Outside Pune

He couldn’t bring himself to lift his head off the table. He had fallen asleep with Bertha's special Brew on the table so now he was stuck. He heard somebody enter through the door and walk with light steps toward the bar. That was unusual. People didn’t normally enter through the door. More commonly people entered through the windows or even the holes in the walls. A confident young voice spoke, “Hello, barkeep, would you happen to know of any would-be adventurers that frequent your establishment?”
“My what?” Bertha the barkeep replied.
“Your establishment, your place of business?” the young man said.
“What?” Her mouth hung open.
“Your tavern.”
“No, I do not.” Bertha finally answered.
“What about that fellow over there with his face on the table?” He gestured his voice toward a large man sitting at a table in the middle of the tavern.
“He’s no adventurer, he’s a sword-for-hire. A good customer, spends all his time here”
Light footsteps approached the sticky table. “Hello, my good man. I hear you are a mercenary” The happy man stated confidently.
“I might be, I might not. What’s it to you?” The man replied.
“I am Archibald Benedict Fluffybottom and I wish to find glory in the wide world.”
“Sorry what?” The man pushed against the table until his face was free from the grasp of sticky drink.
When his face was free he saw Archibald. His clothes were the brightest thing in the tavern and his smile was the next-best thing. He had a sword sheathed at his side, the hilt was fancy. The sword definitely did not belong to any common man.
“Did you say your name was Fluffybottom?”
“Yes, I am of the noble house Fluffybottom. The very same that conquered these lands over 92 years ago.” Archibald looked off into the distance. Well, the most distant wall.
“Alright. So, what do you want?”
“I wish to seek my fame and let my name be sung in every dining hall this side of the sea.”
“And what’s your plan? What great deeds will you do so that your name may be remembered forever in eternal song?” The man seemed unimpressed.
“I will go on a quest most glorious and do whatever it takes to complete it. As I do not wish to traverse the great outdoors alone, I request your company.”
“What’s the pay?”
“You will get” Archibald pondered for a moment “5000 frumples.”
“And what if the job takes a long time? I don’t want to get a measly 5000 if I’m sodding about with you for a month”
“You will get 5000 frumples every week then.”
“Deal.” The man stood up and put his hand on the hilt of his sword.
“You’re bigger than you look” Archibald exclaimed as he admired the man’s strong build. “What’s your name good sir?”
“Murc.” The response might as well have been a grunt.
“Very well then Murc, time to find adventure.”

When the duo left the tavern they gained many strange looks. It seemed as if nobody had ever seen a man dressed in fine garments exit a tavern along with a burly man wearing thick hide armor. As Archibald led the way he spoke to Murc of his own previous escapades and adventures such as going to the docks one time and the time he almost went past the orphanage. Once they reached the outskirts of town Archibald stopped. The town walls of Nore were higher than most small-town walls. Those walls were known throughout the world for being unbreachable and the guard consisted of only the finest members of the famous guard academy. This story however, takes place in the town of Pune where the walls could be climbed by a 5-year-old and the guards couldn’t catch an eel on dry land. “This is where we shall find adventure. Now let us go ask the guards if there have been any disturbances recently.” Archibald said. They walked to the nearest guard.
“Excuse me my, good man!” Archibald shouted.
“Yea, wotchu want?” The guard shouted back.
“My partner and I are searching for adventure, would you happen to know where we could find some?” Archibald’s eyes lit up before he even got an answer.
“Yea, just go out of town, in about twennie steps ya should be robbed. Ya rich stupid boy” The guard answered uninterestedly.
“Thank you good sir.” Archibald went away from the gates of town.
“Where we going now Archie?” Murc asked.
“It’s Archibald, and we’re going to get supplies.” Archibald answered, smiling all the while.

So the two of them walked toward the market in the center of town and came to a blacksmith. After a bit of back-and-forth with the blacksmith, Archibald purchased a dagger and a steel helmet with a faceguard.
“Now I am ready to face the perils of the world and I WILL convince these thieving scum to change their ways!”
“You can try. But I know some of these guys and they’re not easily convinced.” Murc said knowing well enough that most of the thieves were dumb as a bag of cheese.
“I am convinced, that I can convince them to stop their stealing.” Archibald looked proud of his use of words.

Once they had reached the town limits again Archibald asked that the gates be opened. With a gentle push, the doors flew open. The boy Archibald walked out into the world.
“This is the first time I’ve ever been outside of town on my own feet.”
“That’s nice.” Murc replied with a smile. The sarcasm in his words was almost tangible.
“Here’s my strategy.” Archibald suddenly said, “You walk along this path as I hide in the bushes over yonder. Once the bandits approach you I will jump out and you will draw your sword. They will then have nowhere to run and they will have no choice but to surrender.”
“Wouldn’t it be better if you were the one walking alone? You look the type that’s ripe for robbing.” Murc said.
“Nonsense” Archibald pulled down his faceguard and strode toward the bushes.
Once Archibald reached the bushes he dove into them. There was a rustle as he landed in the bushes and it seemed to last longer than it should. After a few moments, Murc decided to see why Archibald was still rustling around in the bush. Apparently the bandits had the same idea as his counterpart, as there was a bush-bandit in the bushes. Archibald and the bandit were in a tangle much like the one that the branches of the bush formed around them. Once they got loose they took a while to observe each other.
“You ain’t a bandit!” The thief pointed out. The thief was a short man with a beard that looked as if he had started shaving but stopped part-way through. His clothes looked older than Archibald, and they probably were.
“You are correct.” Archibald lifted his faceguard. “I am in fact a noble of the proud house Fluffybottom and I have come to stop the local muggers and bring safety to all travellers to the fair town of Pune.”
“I’m no mug. I’m a person, and you can’t stop me”
“If you are not a mugger then what are you doing in the bushes?”
“I’m hiding so I can steal”
“I knew you were the type for thievery”
“Yeah, what are you gonna do about it?”
“I am here to persuade you to change your ways. I hope that you will see the error of your ways and be swayed toward an honest living.” He put his hands on his hips and looked into the sky just above the horizon.
“....Alright, I think” The thief looked toward Murc with a questioning look.
Murc shrugged.
“Do not steal.” Archibald began.
“Why not?”
“Well, how would you feel if I would take something of yours?”
“Well, not good. But that’s just because I don’t have a lot. If I had plenty and you had none I would just give you some. It’s the right thing to do. But some people have so much money that I can’t even count it, but I only have a pouch with a couple frumples in it. Yet, they don’t give me anything, and I just don’t think that’s right, so I help myself to their big pouches and take some.”
“Well,” Archibald took a second to come up with a rebuttal. “Don´t do it. It’s their money and they should be able to do what they want with it. They worked hard for their money and then you take it away with a simple swipe of the hand.”
“I have to work hard for my money as well. I work all day and usually get enough for a meal. I don’t rob everybody, I pick my targets well. I only steal from merchants, they don’t work hard for their money, they just get it from other people.”
“Wait a second. You get enough for a meal? ONE meal? After a full days work?”
“Yes, that’s right. I get maybe two or three hundred frumples a day. It’s not an easy job.”
“Why don’t you get a job that pays better than being a thief? If you aren’t getting that much anyway.”
“Being a thief is all I know. I can’t build or smith. I can’t shine shoes or serve drinks. I can only hide and take frumples.”
Archibald didn’t say anything. He looked over to Murc. Murc looked back and shrugged.
“Fine, just don’t rob people blind,” Archibald said to the thief. “Farewell”

Archibald walked back towards the path with Murc. Once there he didn’t walk toward town, to Murc’s surprise. He instead walked away from the walls, into the world.
“Where are you going now Archie?”
“It’s Archibald.”Archibald said. “I need to get away from the bustling of Pune for a while. I need a bit of time to think.”
“If you say so.” Murc shrugged.

So the two of them walked, with the occasional exchange of glances maybe a few words here and there. They walked along the path and whenever they came to a fork in the road Archibald would go the east-most path. He didn’t stop to read the signs, he didn’t stop to look around and admire his surroundings. He kept walking, mostly in silence, but every so often he would mumble a few words to himself or ask Murc a question. Eventually, dusk came and lit the world in a red glow.
“What’s the plan now?” Murc asked.
“We will stay here for the night. We shall sleep under the stars, among the wildlife of the world. Tomorrow we shall return to Pune.” Archibald took off his helmet and removed his sheath from his belt.
“As long as I’m getting paid.” Murc removed his sword from its sheath and lay down on the ground with his sword in his hand.

Murc woke up fully rested the following morning. He stood up and looked around. Archibald was still fast asleep. He spotted some trees a distance to the north, that’s where he would find food. He walked over to the trees. There wasn’t enough of them for it to be called a forest, but there were a few. He found some mushrooms on the ground. After a bit of inspection, he deduced that they would be safe for eating. He grabbed a bunch and returned to Archibald. Once he got back his companion had woken up. He seemed pensive, much like the day before. Murc offered him some of the mushrooms he had gathered. Archibald accepted but he ate slowly. He didn’t respond to Murc’s questions and it looked as if that he already had some questions he was pondering on.
“I believe it is time we return to Pune.” Archibald eventually said as he stood up off the ground.
“Alright, you want me to show you a shortcut or would you rather follow the path?” Murc said.
“You may show me the shorter route, if I am to adventure I must learn to go off the beaten path.”
“Alright then, just follow me.” Murc said and started walking.

The walk was easy enough. There were a few hills along the way but there were no swamps or chasms to cross. When they had been walking for a while Archibald started the conversation.
“Do you think I acted correctly yesterday? Letting that thief go free? It didn’t feel right to let him steal but it didn’t feel right to make him starve either. It seems as if there was no correct option.”
“I don’t know Archie, sometimes-”
“Archibald” Archibald interrupted.
“Okay Archibald, sometimes nothing is right. In which case nothing is wrong either. The real world isn’t like the stories where there is always a right and wrong, usually there is both good and bad in all people, and people usually have good reasons for doing what they do.” Murc said.
“I guess, I didn’t think of the moral dilemmas I might face trying to stop a few ruffians from doing what they might. I thought that it would always be honorable to stop ne’er-do-wells.” Archibald sighed. “I guess that’s the reason for adventure, to learn about the world and discover your place in it.” Archibald said.
Afterwards, there was a long silence which persisted until they reached the perimeters of town.
“You may return to your usual business Murc.” Archibald said. “But do not take any other jobs, you will remain on pay until I say otherwise.”
“Sounds like a good plan to me.” Murc started walking towards the gates.
“Try not to injure yourself before our next adventure!” Archibald shouted after him.
“I’ll do my best”

A bit more than a week passed. Murc only realised this because he got paid in the meantime. Most of the time he was off he spent at Bertha’s Booze Barn but sometimes he had to take a step outside, mostly to get somebody else out permanently. He occasionally went outside when it rained so that he might get clean. He did this knowing full-well that the rains of Pune were not clean at all. You’d probably get cleaner from standing in a sandstorm than standing in the rains of Pune.
Murc was in the middle of a ‘physical argument’ when Archibald burst into the tavern. His face had regained its brightness since the last time the companions had met.
“Murc, my good fellow. I have discovered a solution to all of our problems!” Archibald exclaimed.
“What problems? I haven’t had any problems.” Murc shot an aggressive glare toward the man who had just recently had an unfortunate collision with his fist.
“The problem is thievery.” Archibald explained.
“I thought you said thieves were alright as long as they didn’t take too much.”
“Yes, but that was merely a temporary solution. You see after our last quest I had a thought. I could make sure all thieves had enough money, so they wouldn’t have to steal from anybody.” Archibald’s smile somehow managed to grow wider with every word.
“Well, if we had that kind of money couldn’t we jus-”
“And all forms of thievery would immediately cease to be, unless the perpetrator was stealing for his own pleasure, in which case there should be no moral dilemmas involved with putting him behind bars. Now come my experienced friend. Come on a journey to lands far away where we shall find the relic which I have only read of in stories of times gone-by.” Archibald turned around and walked out the door of the tavern.
Murc followed but gave Bertha a confused look as he did so.

“Archie, what is this thing you’re looking for anyway? And how would it make so much money?”
“It is the Holy Apple of Homely Adam, or HAHA for short. And my name is Archibald.”
“What?” Murc said.
“Homely Adam was a man who was renowned for his plain appearance. If you had seen him merely moments ago you still would not be able to pick him out from a crowd. He was a man of prayer, and he went on pilgrimages regularly. It was on one of these that he obtained the apple. It was a golden apple, it simply fell from the heavens just in front of him. He thanked the gods, picked it up and was on his way. Once he returned home he took the apple from his knapsack. He observed it for a while and wished that he understood the apple. Then it came to be that he understood what it was. The apple can grant wishes. He managed to keep the apple a secret until one day his home got broken into by mages who took the apple and hid it away.” Archibald told the story as if he had told it a thousand times.
Archibald walked to the gates and Murc followed. Once they reached the gates Archibald pushed them open and walked out without even acknowledging the guards.
“Now let us go east.” Archibald said.
“Why east? Is HAHA east of here? There’s nothing east except cities and towns. You would think it would be hidden off in some far-away temple or something.”
“Well, we must go east in order to reach one of the settlements in that direction. You see the current location of HAHA is unbeknownst to me,” he admitted, ”so I will go meet with the mages of Quleen and get whatever information I can from them.”
“So you’ve just dragged me along on some hunt for information?” Murc seemed quite displeased.
“Yes, but you are of course not expected to gather the information with me. You must merely aid me in the navigation of the land. When we get to Quleen you may do what you wish as long as I am still able to contact you.” Archibald explained. “I’m sure you could find a tavern or something of the sort.”
“I think I’d rather stay with you than wander on my own.” Murc said.

After a half-day walk, they came to a guard tower on the right side of the road. The guards posed no issue, but they did keep their eyes on the two adventurers. Archibald noticed that these guards did not look as if they had just woken up after a night of heavy-drinking and then when they realised they had overslept just threw their armor on. Their armor was fitted and they seemed alert. The tower itself was well built and had been well maintained. You could clearly see that the stones of the tower had been weathered, but the tower maintained it’s structural integrity. Just down the road from the tower they came to the walls of what was probably Quleen. The walls were tall and the gates to get inside were huge. Two guards stood on separate sides of the gate and when the travellers drew close they closed off the pathway by crossing their pikes.
“Good day! We are a travelling duo seeking information from the mages of your fair city. Would you be so kind as to let us in please?” Archibald said to one of the guards at the gate.
“Why, you don’t look like the normal lot that come travelling here by foot. Your companion here, sure. But you? You look like you should be riding in a wagon or a cart at the least.”
“Ah yes, you see this is my inaugural quest. The objective of which I must, unfortunately, remain silent about for the time being. If you wish I could don my helmet, it would certainly make me look a lot more like the usual traveller.” Archibald said
“No that will be no problem, let me just ask permission to open the gates. Please wait a moment.” The guard turned to the gates and gave a few knocks in a certain irregular rhythm. After a few seconds, a few knocks came from the other side. The guards at the gate stepped to the side and the gates opened slowly, revealing the city within.
“Thank you kindly”

The city itself was amazingly clean, especially to somebody who had lived in the bad part of Pune their whole life. The buildings looked as if they had been built earlier that day and it felt to Murc as if he was the first one to ever walk on the paths.
“How’d they get the city so clean?” the mercenary asked.
“Ah, it really is quite interesting indeed.” Archibald said. “You know the rain in Pune?”
“Yes, the dirtiest rain there is.”
“Quite so. This is where the dirt originates. The mages of Quleen take all the dirt off all surfaces in the city, send it off into the skies where it joins up with the clouds over Pune and pours down on us”
“So these guys just take all their filth and send it over to rain over Pune? Who do they think they are?”
“Oh don’t worry about it. It’s not on purpose that the rain comes over Pune. They just didn’t think much about the placement at the time.”
“So they didn’t even know Pune was there?”
“Well, they did know. They just didn’t really bother to remember it at the time. Remembering the locations of towns can be quite exhausting you know.”
“I’ll have their heads. They could just put the rain somewhere else but instead, they just make it rain muck all over Pune while they laugh it up in their fancy wizard city where everything is clean and perfect.” the mercenary drew his sword.
“Calm down, you may speak to the wizards once I have gotten the information that I need, perhaps meeting one of the inhabitants of Pune would convince them to transport the filth elsewhere.”

After a bit of educated guessing and questioning of locals, Archibald and Murc finally reached what they expertly deducted was the mages guild. The main clues were that a small sign reading ‘Mages guild’ hung outside the door and the fact that the walls seemed to have been patched up quite a few times. Archibald knocked on the door. A few seconds later a young man, almost a child opened the door.
“Hello, sirs.” the man said.
“Good day,” Archibald replied, “We are here to convene with the mages.”
“About what? If I may be so bold as to ask.” The boy was confident that he could be so bold as to ask.
“Well, I have heard tell of a certain magical relic and I wish to learn of its present location so that I may find it and solve the problems plaguing my dear hometown of Pune.” Archibald said.
“Also, we hate your dirt.” Murc added.
“Well, I don’t think there should be a problem with these questions, as long as you can pay for the time they take to answer.”the boy said.
“Yes, payment should be no problem. You see, I am of house Fluffybottom. The richest family in Pune.”
“Very well.” The young man let them in.
Once inside the building seemed to be smaller than it looked to be from the outside.
“Incredible, it’s bigger on the outside.” Murc said.
“Quite so.” an old voice said. Upon further inspection, Murc discovered that the voice belonged to a body and to the body belonged an ancient face. On the face was skin that looked like it had been taken off a pink, dying elephant. And from that skin grew a long beard the color of dandruff. “It’s mage-lord technology. Our finest work.” the old man continued. “Now, what is it that you want?.”
“I would like to know the location of the HAHA, o wise one.” Archibald said.
“And make the rain in Pune clean again. Please.” Murc added.
A laugh erupted from the old man. “Well, o young one, the HAHA should not be too hard to find. In fact, I already know where it is. And what was this about rain?”
“The rain in Pune, which is where I live, is filthy because of you lot. You take all your dirt and you fling it over the walls and it lands on us instead. I would like you to throw it somewhere else if you could.” Murc said. “O old guy.” he added.
“Well, I didn’t even really think about our dirt landing on somebody else, the spell just sends the dirt to where it feels it should go. I could cast it again with a different incantation. It would, however, be a bit of a bother. I would have to request payment.”
“That’s no problem. Archie here is the richest guy in Pune. He can cover payment for the both of us.”
“I would prefer to be called Archibald.” Archibald glared at Murc.”But yes he speaks the truth. I am a man of great wealth. I will indubitably be able to take care of all expenses involved.”
“Very well then. Which of these pressing matters shall I take care of first?” the mage asked.
“I think the dirty muck rain should stop first. I feel like it should be free but I guess money is no issue for Archie...bald here.” Murc said.
“Yes, I concur. We should be rid of the muck to start off. I would hate for it to rain filth even once more simply because I wasn’t patient enough to wait my turn.”
“Very well. That would come to 10.000 frumples. The waiting should only be a few minutes. Once I have the money that is.”
“Yes, 10.000 frumples is no matter to me.” Archibald conjured a pouch from his pocket. “There you are my most excellent mage.”
“Thank you, I shall return shortly. Roger! Distra- I mean keep the customers company while I move the dirt drop-off will you?” The mage went into a door that was obscured by darkness.
“Hello, sirs.” The young man who had opened the door for them joined them. “I hope that you are well.” he said.
“Yes we’re fine, thank you very much. You wouldn’t happen to have any refreshments that you could offer two weary travellers? I am famished from the journey.” Archibald said.
“Sorry, sir. The mage dines elsewhere so we have no kitchen or storeroom here.”
“Worry not. We will survive until we are finished here.” Archibald said.
“Did you say the mage dines elsewhere? Singular?” Murc asked Roger.
“Yes, I did say that sir. Why do you ask?” Roger answered.
“Well, it seems quite odd to me that a guild would have one guy in it. It seems like that’s not really a guild. That’s like calling a flautist a band.”
“Yes,” Roger said. “It is quite unconventional. But we used to have more members, and so it was a guild.”
“Where have they gone off to now?” Murc walked toward Roger as he asked.
“They… realised that Paul, that’s the mage who is assisting you, could probably take care of this city’s needs by himself so they moved to... somewhere where they would feel needed.”
“Is that the truth? It doesn’t seem very true to me.” Murc had gotten quite close to Roger.
“...No, it’s not.” Roger conceded.
“Well then, give us the truth.” Murc said, surprisingly calmly.
“Paul... He siphoned the other mages.” Roger looked down at the floor as he spoke. “He used our amethyst to drain the other mages of their power and now he keeps it on his person so that he may use the power for his own benefit. In fact, I find it highly unlikely that he will actually move the rain. He’s probably gone off to the next city with your money. Once he gets there he will probably siphon their mages as well.”
“Well, what can we do to stop him?” Archibald quickly asked.
“I don’t know that there is anything you can do. I think, you’ll have to leave this one to somebody else.” Roger said.
“But I’m an adventurer and that’s the sort of thing adventurers do!” Archibald was quite upset.
“Not this time Archie. Leave this one to the merry bands of travellers who have been dealing with this sort of thing for years. I think if we try anything here we’ll get sucked into something we don’t want to mess with.” Murc said.
“Maybe so. I guess there’s always another time.” Archie said.

So the two adventurers returned to Pune, back to the tiny walls and dirty rain. But that would just have to do for now. At least until a new mage got to Quleen. But the returning of the mages, that is another story.