A better tomorrow?

A piercing pain, like hundreds of bees are stinging me all at once, awakens me from the little sleep I get these day. “Not again,” I cry grabbing for the pills upon the nightstand. “Not again.” The pain will be in control for the rest of the day; it will leave me helpless.

“Mommy, mommy.” I jump up in terror, forcing my weakened body to move quickly into my child’s room.

“Mommy, mommy.” Trembling and panting, I stumble to the door. After he points out the spider upon the wall, I remove it and save the day. I struggle to remain standing long enough to walk away.

The couch is as far as I’ll make it today. There I lay in silence and watch the kids as they play. Drifting in and out of sleep, this will be another wasted day and another missed opportunity to enjoy their life with them. I begin to sink into my hole. Deeper and deeper into the blackness, I am afraid that I may lose this fight. Thoughts of things left undone, drift to pleas for an end to the pain.

“Mommy, we’re hungry.”

Stumbling into my room, I grasp my bottle of strength; I must stop this pain.

“Lunch is served,” I call out as I head back to the couch. Laying down once again I think to myself "My little men, so brave and strong; to exist like this. What a life to live." With that, I fall back asleep.

"The monsters are getting closer Renee` you must run...Run for your life...Or else you will die." But I can not run. I have no strength left in me to fight this fight. "Please, please, just let me be. Let me get some sleep tonight."

The pain once again awakens me, it’s 12:30 and I can’t remember putting my kids to bed. I sit up and turn on the light. I look at the stranger in the mirror and begin to sob. She is no longer young and beautiful. Happiness and laughter have left her. The love and the excitement life once held for her, have now faded.

“Oh, God. What have I become?” I look away. The medicine bottle sits silently on the stand. The pain is seeping back into my legs and soon will cover my body, once again. With a tear rolling down my cheek, I grasp the bottle and read the dosage, like so many times before…

Take one to two tablets every four hours as needed for pain.

I wonder just how many I have taken today? Or if they will ever really take away this pain I live with.

“Two more…” a sigh “added to the total in hope for some sleep tonight.”

With the room dark and me alone in this king sized bed, I once again find myself wondering if I would be better off giving up this fight. Then I fall asleep again, praying tomorrow will be a better day.