Conversations With God

Conversations With God

It all started off as a lackluster kind of day. The entire month hadn't gone well. Writers block had set in with a vengeance. Not only could I not think of anything to write about, even the force attempts to write something, anything, was not working, I was using alcohol to quell my despair. I sat crouched over the coffee table, blindly staring at the computer screen.
The sudden pounding at the door caught my attention, a relieving distraction at any rate. I slowly attained a standing position and ploddingly, walked the necessary thirty feet to answer my front door.
The knocking became insistent and didn't cease until I flung the door open. There to my amazement, stood Todd. He looked horrible, must of lost thirty pounds.
Damn, I hadn't seen him in months; the last time was when he was in a hospital, when he had gone off his rocker. I'm not really sure how that happened. Todd was always an easy-going kind of guy. His main flaw was that he was a devout atheist; if devout would even be the correct word. He was a zealot. He hated religion with a passion and was never afraid to give his opinions about religion and God constantly to those that didn't want his opinion, including me.
Not that I'm all up in front of God, or go to church or anything, and perhaps I really don't believe in a God but hey it's me, I get to have the right to be believing whatever the hell, I want.
Todd just stood there, staring back at me without a word, so I had no choice but to seek enlightenment and see if he wanted a beer. He looked a little shaky, perhaps beer was a bad idea but what the hell, and you can't drink alone, right?
I'd asked him how it was going and if anything was new, he just slowly shook his head. His eyes kept darting all around the room as if he was afraid his own personal demons were regularly both behind my couch and hiding in the bathroom.
I sat beside him on the couch and gave him a wide smile, you know for old times and to be friendly. Company was better than attempting to write.
I placed a beer in his hand, and he looked vaguely lost. His eyes brightened a minute amount, and he told me that he had a fantastic story, and that I should write it. I told him okay, if you have a story, I'll get out the tape recorder and get it all down in one move.
He gave me a strange look and inquired why I couldn't just type it as he talked. I laughed out loud and proceeded to type on the keyboard as he stared at the flickering screen.
haveyoueseen meetype.tI'm.luckylifkI useIfour fingers.gers emblazoned in Times New Roman bold black, on the screen for him to see, but he didn't even grin.
Any way he got all comfortable looking and looked like he was ready to begin telling me his awesome story. Well, it might not be magnificent, but probably kill a few hours and a six pack.
He had already started talking so I switched on the tape recorder.
"...bad, really bad. My head just hurts. I'm totally exhausted; I haven't slept in three days. That damn voice. It just won't go away. I feel like I'm going totally insane." Todd thought as he attempted to close his eyes for the thousandth time.
At the stroke of midnight, on my thirtieth birthday, it began. The voice, the incessant nattering. Now, days later, not a single solution in sight. Alcohol had only made it worse and sleeping pills had no effect.
"I'm going insane; that's the only answer. That has to be it" he announced out loud into the empty room.
"Todd, you're not going insane, I've tried to explain this to you, over and over again. It your birthright, this allows you to be able to communicate with me and I with you."
Shrugging his shoulders in a useless attempt to avoid the voice inside his head, Todd closed his eyes once again. That only seemed to make it worse. Now he could see who was talking to him, in a very weird way. More like, looking at something faceless and recognizing it.
"I don't believe in you, go away. You are just a figment of my imagination." Todd whimpered, exhausted from lack of sleep.
"You know that's not true, I've explained all this to you. I'm God," the voice inside his head stated.
"There is no damn God, there's nothing out there. All you are is a creation for my demented mind. I need some sleep. I have to work. You need to go away." Todd screamed into the empty room.
God let out a sigh. "I'm not going to go away; you are the first human I've talked to in fifteen hundred of your years. I'm bored. I'm lonely. Your birthright says that you have to talk to me."
"I don't have a birthright. For Christ's sakes, I was adopted," Todd snapped back vehemently.
"You have to talk to me."
"And what makes you so damn important?" Todd challenged.
"I'm God. All the other guys call me that. That's my name."
"Yeah well if you're God, then do a miracle and let me get a couple of hours of sleep," Todd suggested.
"I told you before, I don't do miracles. I think you're thinking of somebody else, perhaps one of the other guys. They used to do all kinds of things. I remember one time; Yahweh parted a river so that a flock of his followers could get safely across. That was a breathtaking spectacle. He always was a showman.
I remember another time; he had a thing for burning bushes. He tricked this guy, Nonah, Nosan or something like that. I have a tough time with names. Any ways, oh yeah, the burning bush. This guy wanted a list of the rules or something so Yahweh got Zeus to do his lightning trick and etch the words onto a couple of stone tablets. I think Zeus just made them up on the fly. The guy still thought he was talking to his God, that's hilarious.
No wait, Moses, that was a guy's name, the other guy I was thinking about was involved in a flood of some sort. You do know you can't flood the entire planet. There's not enough water. Now you can do local flooding, but nothing is nearly catastrophic as flooding the entire world. Besides what would do with the water when you're done. Now you have all this water you have to get rid of. So then there was..."
"Will you just shut the fuck up. I have to sleep. You have to let me sleep." Todd injected, forcing a stop to God's never-ending prattle.
"What do you have to be so vulgar? I never say words like fuck. Damn, you just made me say it." God said.
Todd stole a glance at the alarm clock. Forty-five minutes until he had to get up and get ready for work.
"Maybe I'm vulgar because you haven't let me sleep. Humans require sleep or they die. Is that what you want? If I die, then you'll have nobody to talk to. Again."
"No they don't. Humans don't die from lack of sleep. I don't know where you heard that, that's the silliest thing I ever heard." God stated with authority.
"Whatever," Todd hissed with loathing dripping from his voice.
"Did I tell you why they call me God?"
"Yes. Probably a hundred times, I've lost count. I don't care." Todd moaned wearily.
"Oh come on it's a great story. Plus I am the star of the story. My brothers called me God. Well, not really my brothers, sort of brothers. I can't explain how the relationship works because there's lots of us. We're connected; sort of. Never mind, that's not really the interesting part to the story any ways..."
"Yes," Todd said unemotionally, "and then they'd always laugh and say you were the one God, and afterwards laugh some more. Did you ever wonder why they were laughing at you?"
"They weren't laughing at me; they're just fun guys, and besides; everybody needs a name." God insisted.
"I think you were dropped on your head at birth," Todd growled between gritted teeth.
"I wasn't born and I don't have a head to get dropped on, so I don't understand the reference. Explain it to me."
"No." Todd yelled.
"You have to explain it..."
Damn, Todd sounds like he is having an argument with himself, small wonder they locked him up in the rubber room. It was a good time to grab a beer. Looking over at Todd, he hadn't even touched his, well more beer for me. Heaving my bulk off the sofa, I made my way into the kitchen.
For a second, I thought I heard a very quiet voice talking to me from a distance. All I could make out was, "he's not telling the story right." That was a little weird I hope whatever Todd has isn't contagious. Nothing a beer won't fix, so I opened the fridge and retrieved another one. It seems like this is going to be a long story, hope I don't run out of tape.
"... work. I can't go because I'm exhausted, and it's all your fault. Why don't you bother somebody else? Give me a break." Todd whined, close to tears.
"As soon as her brother turns thirty, I'll talk to him too." God reassured happily.
Todd remarked quietly," I don't have a brother" and smothered his eyes with his shaking hands.
"Yes you do. Your father was always fond of the women. He got as many as he could. Remember I said it's your birthright. I know your father, and you have a brother."
"Then why have I never heard of him before," Todd exclaimed in exasperation. "
"Maybe because you're adopted. They don't tend to give up that information anymore." God informed him eloquently.
"I'm not adopted," Todd sobbed with weariness in his voice.
"But you said, well you just told me, you were adopted." God said confused.
"I was hoping that would make you go away. My judgment is fried; I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I need to sleep. How many times do I have to tell you that?" Todd said, trying to close his eyes again.
"You still have a brother, sleeps not going to change that. I should probably explain your birthright then you'd understand."
Todd sat up in the bed and cradled his head in his hands. He then started rocking back and forth, slowly, in a jagged rhythm. "I don't care about any of this," he uttered in a barely audible voice. "If you're really God, show some compassion and please let me sleep."
An hour later, Todd decided that going to work wasn't an option. Pulling clothes from the closet, he dressed in silence, not caring whether what he was wearing matched. Closing the apartment door, he decided to head for the hospital instead.
"I thought you said you were going to work. Why are you going to a hospital?" God inquired.
"Mostly because you drive me insane, or I am already crazy, or I have been like this my entire life. I have to get this fixed. I have to make you go away." Todd vowed without enthusiasm or conviction.
"I know it's difficult, the last time I had a connection to someone; it took him a long time to adjust. That's all you need, just more time." God said with empathy. "You just have to relax, and you'll get used to it, really."
"I don't want to get used to it. I don't believe in you. I don't want you around invading my thoughts and talking nonstop. I'm exhausted. You won't let me sleep." Todd whispered quietly as he slowly progressed down the street to the bus stop.
Standing at the bus stop, people started moving away from Todd because he was talking to himself and weren't sure if he presented any danger to them. Four people started walking down to the next bus stop to avoid him.
Todd slumped into the empty seat waiting for the bus to arrive. He hung his head in defeat and started murmuring nonsensical words. The most the other people could make out at this point was the word God, apparently repeated at random.
The heavyset lady, who had vacated the bench, pulled out her pink cell phone and called the police. She explained whoever was on the other end of the phone that a lunatic was at the bus stop with them and was probably dangerous.
Three police cruisers pulled up in less than a minute. The lady just pointed at Todd, and the officers approached him with their hands on their guns.
Todd barely noticed their arrival and started screaming, "shut up, shut the fuck up, leave me alone. Just go away, I don't believe in God."
At this point, the officers wrestled him to the ground, subduing him and putting handcuffs on him.
Officer Waltendus looked at Todd with a touch of sympathy and told the other officers that this man should be brought directly to the psychiatric ward in the hospital.
They loaded Todd into the back of one of the police cars and left with the sirens blaring.
Todd lay uncaring on the back seat of the police car, gratefully accepting his fate.

The hospital for Todd represented a rapid departure from reality as he was poked and prodded, and eventually someone talked to him. The doctor sat across from him, carefully polishing his spectacles and squinting at Todd as if he was in great pain without those glasses.
Abruptly, the doctor spoke, "so it seems, I have been told, God is talking to you. Tell me why do you think God is talking to you?"
"I don't think he's been talking to me. He has been talking to me. He won't leave me alone, and I can't sleep. I haven't slept in over three days. I've tried sleeping pills, getting drunk and everything else I can think of. He won't shut up. Before we go any further, God is just his name." Todd stated exasperated.
Doctor Alfred Humdrene had been in practice for a long time and was unphased by the young disheveled man sitting across the desk from him. He had heard it all, seen it all and at this point in his life, was growing bored with the profession.
"Are we talking God from the Bible?" The doctor inquired almost sarcastically.
Shuffling uncomfortably in the hard wooden chair, Todd responded quietly " I don't know if he's from the Bible or not, I don't believe in God. I'm an atheist, plain and simple. All I know is that something named God, won't shut up. He claims that as my birthright, he gets to talk to me because he apparently can't just talk to anyone."
"Are you telling me that, you are a messenger or prophet, delivering God's words to us?" The doctor asked in a mocking tone while holding his glasses up to the over head light, to inspect his efforts.
"No." Todd stated emphatically. "Look, the problem is that he won't shut up. I can't get any peace. I can't get any rest. All he does is tell me stupid stories and several hundred times of how he acquired his name. He is boring me to death."
"I'm not boring, why would you tell him that? All my stories are good stories, well they're not my stories because they are not about me, but they are great history stories at the very least." God injected, using Todd's vocal cords for emphasis.
"Yes and they would be great stories, if it wasn't you telling them. You have no sense of storytelling at all. They're disjointed. They don't make any sense. All I want you to do is leave me alone." Todd muttered.
The doctor finished fidgeting with his eyewear and looked at Todd with concern. He was about to say something when Todd continued his tirade.
Slumping deeper into the chair, Todd shouted "Look God, all I want is some sleep." Regaining a bit of his composure, he continued "You can't keep me awake forever; it's not healthy. I can't think anymore. I can't go to work, and I can't relax in any way. If you want to bother me for a few hours a day, that's fine but this twenty four-hour nonsense has to stop. I can't take it anymore. Why do you think I'm here?"
"You don't have to be here. You have to accept the facts of your birthright. Besides that, I'm lonely I haven't talked to anybody in fifteen hundred of your years. I can try to make my stories better if that would help." God lectured, once again making use of Todd's larynx.
Shaking his head violently, Todd argued, "Is not your stories, it's that you won't go away, not a moment's peace since you showed up. You told me that you could take a form. Wouldn't that be much easier to talk to people. You told me that my father, took a form and impregnated my mother as well as my brother's mother. Why can't you do that instead?"
God spoke quietly to Todd," Well, first off, the problem with me taking form, is that I'm not very good at it. My brothers, for the most part, can maintain a shape for days and even months. The longest I've ever maintained a shape is an hour. Most of the time, it is a lot less than an hour. I've never mastered that skill. My main skill has always been telling the tales of my brothers."
"Well then it doesn't do me any good at all, does it." Todd exploded in disgust flailing his arms in the air.
From his perch on his chair, the doctor watched in amazement as Todd seemed to be having an actual conversation with somebody because of all the interjected pauses and occasional outbursts that seem to emanate from a different personality. He knew of course that Todd's behaviors were purely delusional. The diagnosis would have to be schizophrenia; heavy medications were in order.
Todd was led to a small room that contained a bed in a toilet. It resembled a prison cell except for the fact that the walls were padded. He lay down on the bed as the nurse started administering injections.
The world became unfocused, but sleep still would not come. Todd writhed in an uncontrolled fashion, barely aware of his surroundings. God's voice seemed to be a long way away but still haunting him.
Another beer down the drain, it may end up being a 12 pack day. Wandering off to the kitchen to retrieve new refreshment, I had to seriously wonder, what kind of drugs they had given Todd. Perhaps he had some left and might be willing to share.
With another cold brew in hand, I made it back into the living room where Todd was still babbling. I noticed that the tape recorder had stopped. Damn, I needed to turn the tape over so I told Todd to wait a minute and quit talking. In oblivion someplace, he ignored my request and seemed to talk even faster. I Quickly switched over the tape to the other side. Possibly I can probably fill in the gaps later.
"... two days and everything was still a blur. Todd sat slumped in the chair across from the doctor, who at present was paying far too much attention to polishing his glasses. The doctor occasionally looked down at the notepad on his desk and made a few tiny marks on it.
The doctor seemed to be speaking to Todd through a long tunnel, as Todd could not understand a single word that was being said to him. Attempting to raise his head was a waste of time and effort.
The doctor continued his conversation. "The nurses have told me that you are still not sleeping properly, and that you only seem to pass out for 10 to 20 minutes at a time. We're at the limits for the drugs that you're on. It may be necessary to explore other options. You of course would have to agree to some of the more radical procedures. What do you think about that Todd?" He concluded, not really expecting an answer.
The doctor sat, dejected, staring at his spectacles as if there was a spot on them that he couldn't seem to polish away and was causing him great annoyance.
"What exactly have you done to him?" Demanded a booming voice.
Startled, the doctor looked up trying to discern the vague shape that was standing in front of his desk. He carefully placed his glasses on his face to get a better look.
"Who exactly are you? What are you doing in my office? How did you get past the nurse? This time has been allotted to my patient, and I have no idea who you are and why you're here." The doctor asked quite perturbed with the intrusion.
"I'm God."
"I seriously doubt that particular claim." The doctor stated, with years of authority in his voice.
"Look, that's just my name, and you still haven't answered my question. What have you done to him? I can barely understand any of his thoughts; they're jumbled and disordered. It is his birthright to speak to me, and you're interfering with that." God roared angrily.
"Are you suggesting that you are the one true God?"
God was perturbed and replied furiously "I don't know about the one true God thing; that's just my name, just as your name is Alfred."
The doctor wasn't impressed with this fellow knowing his name as it was clearly marked on the door to his office. "I think it is time to call one of the orderlies have you brought back to whatever room you came out of. You must be one of the new patients, which I have not met yet." The doctor said reaching for the phone on his desk.
"I can prove to you conclusively, that Todd, is not imagining me." God grumbled forcefully.
"And how do you propose to do that?" The doctor inquired.
"Well, I don't know if Todd has told you or not, but I don't do miracles, mostly because I can't. Now my brothers, on the other hand, could do all kinds of amazing things. I remember in Egypt, Atum, decided to be the main deity for them back then and did many astonishing things but the best thing he did, was tricking them into building the pyramids. He convinced them that if they followed the procedures exactly and started entombing the pharaohs, that they would also be Gods. That was hilarious.
Now Odin, on the other hand, didn't really perform a lot of miracles so to speak; however, he taught us that you can make humans pregnant. And then Loki, by far my favorite, was always playing practical jokes and everybody.
My brother Athena, said that we didn't add any extra chromosomes to the DNA. However, it changed a few things in which she called the junk DNA.
Oh a gender thing, I think. I have to explain that because you have two genders, well not you, but humans do. Athena, most of the time, liked to take a human form as a female. I think she wanted to have a child or something. Keeping a form for nine months may not be possible, and I don't know if she succeeded or not. I don't have a gender, well none of us do. I will have to go over some of my notes to see if she had a baby. I may have missed that.
No wait, I seem to have gone off topic here. Okay this is the part that I meant to tell you. Odin figured out we could take a human form. Now, most of my brothers were really good at it. Some of them could maintain a form for months. I, on the other hand, for the most part, I can only maintain a human form for a few hours.
Before you ask, Todd is not my son. I'm explaining that wrong. One of my brothers got Todd's mother as well as Todd's brother's mother pregnant. He then transferred their birthright to me. He did that because he knows that I haven't had anybody to talk to in quite a while. He was supposed to take me with him, to the place my other brothers are at right now, but he left suddenly. But then that's just like Loki."
Doctor Alfred Humdrene simply stared at the person in front of him and was only willing to give him a few more minutes as he wasn't sure if he was violent or not. He rested his hand near the phone, just in case.
"Athena said that we didn't need to add any extra chromosomes to the DNA. However, it was necessary to change a bunch of minor things in which he called the junk DNA." God repeated.

"That's the reason why certain humans can hear my brothers and me. Whatever Loki did, altered it just right so that they could hear me instead of him. That's better because he's not here right now, and I am.
Anyway, there are not a lot of ways that I can offer you proof except by the lack of my existence. I'm not very good at holding form and when I lose control of it, the body just comes apart. Now, would you accept that as proof that I exist in that Todd hears me?"
Dr. Alfred Humdrene simply stared straight forward attempting to see through what he considered to be the apparition in front of him. It was dressed in an ill-fitting purple suit that appeared to be from the 18th century. Nothing about the attire matched including the fact that the person claiming to be God wasn't wearing any shoes. His hair stood out at odd angles from his head, and the colour was hard to describe. It seemed to oscillate through a full colour spectrum. He nodded hoping this would be over soon. He moved his hand from the area of the phone and sat back in his chair much more comfortably; removing his glasses, he started polishing them with a renewed vigor.
God took that as an affirmative and said, "I'll be back in a minute or so."
He slowly began to melt into the carpet. Causing what would be considered to be a nasty stain. He further dissolved and the stain instead of getting larger began to shrink. All that was left was a small discoloration.
To the doctor, it appeared as if Jell-O had become unglued. The shock of seeing that caused him to casually reach into one of the drawers of the desk and extract a bottle of valium. He immediately opened it and removed three tablets shamefacedly choked them back without water.
Doctor Alfred Humdrene was completely unnerved and wondered if it was time to see his own psychiatrist. No doubt the patients are rubbing off on him, and he needed a vacation any ways.
He shakily reached across the desk for the phone without considering his action. What could he possibly say to anyone, that the figment of the imagination of one of his patients had come to life in his office? No, perhaps saying that, he would be locked up here with the rest of them. Pulling his hand back, he rested it awkwardly in his lap. He replaced the spectacles on his face, waiting for the valium to kick in.
Without warning, an area in front of his desk began to shimmer like moonlight reflecting off a pond.
God appeared in what looked to be a mist, and the doctor screamed like a frightened child.
What stood before him was the same ugly purple suit except now God didn't have a face. There is just a small slit where the mouth should have been, and he was completely bald with the overhead lights reflecting wildly off of the skull, in a rhythmic pattern.
Wow, Todd really is bonkers. This calls for a double beer. Making my move off the couch, I almost fell face first into the coffee table. Conceivably, one beer would suffice. I left Todd to his misery and ambled towards the kitchen. I had to assume it was a lack of food that was causing an imbalance in my drinking. A sandwich was in order so I made two. One for me and one for Todd, just in case he was hungry because he still hadn't touched his beer. I attained a shaky sitting status on the couch and attempted to pass Todd a sandwich but the argument he seemed to be having with himself must've started while I was in the kitchen.
"...and that was what happened, the doctor told me all about it so it doesn't matter what you say, I'm going to believe him," Todd yelled.
"But that's not what really happened." God pointed out quietly.
"He said you scare the hell out of him, and I should be very afraid of you. Guess what, I am. You never leave me alone."
"But I'm letting you sleep more." God stated in his defense.
"Yeah well, that is only because a doctor explained to you how bad it actually is for my health. You had to agree to it, or he would keep me on the Thorazine, which really seemed to annoy you because it prevented you from talking to me properly. Unfortunately, he never asked my opinion because I would have gladly stayed on the Thorazine because even after all of this, you still won't shut up." Todd shouted.
"But Todd it's your birthright and..."
"I'm sick and tired of hearing about my birthright; the problem is, not that you talk to me is that you invade me." Todd screamed, interrupting him.
I glanced at my watch. Damn, where's the time gone? It's almost midnight and Todd is still sitting there telling me his story. I wonder if it actually has an end or is he just going to keep babbling. I'm going to run out of tape.
"I don't care, you tell him."
"Todd that is what we came here for don't you remember?" God stated.
"Yes I do remember. That's not my job, that your department. I'm not about to tell him that he's my brother." Todd roared in defiance.
Brother? What the hell did he say? We're not related. Now I'll grant that our circumstances are similar, sort of. His father died before he was born and mine well, as my mother says, he simply just left. Plus, Todd is just a couple of months older than I am. There is no way he could be my brother. Perhaps I'm drunk and I just don't understand what he's saying. So I ask him what he's on about, but he still lost in the argument with himself.
"You have to relax Todd and settle into this. It is your birthright and your brothers so you will be able to communicate with me. If you fight too hard on this, you will drive yourself crazy. I remember Lucifer, his son. Now I know, from your religion well, not yours but a lot of religions; Lucifer is the fallen angel, king of hell, the devil and on and on and on. What really happened was that Ra decided that in order for there to be good there had to be a corresponding opposite. I'm not much of a science guy, but I do know that in most nature and physics, there are a lot of opposites to one thing or another. Electricity has a positive and negative charge. That kind of thing. Loki tricked Lucifer into accepting the role. I like to point out, that there is no place called hell. It's purely an invention. Well later there is a planet called Hell but that's not the same thing as the biblical version but something's are the same. It's hot and red sort of.
Any ways, Lucifer used to show up occasionally and bed a few women. So there was this one woman, Mary or something like that, and of course he got her pregnant. The baby was born and when the baby reached the age of thirty, Lucifer took the opportunity and started speaking to him. Unfortunately, the arrangement didn't last very long, about three years or so. The guy's name was Jesus or something, and he threw himself off a cliff. Now he had some followers or something; I'm not sure how it went, but they formed a religion around it because they said he had ascended into heaven.
That's not really the point. Because he refused to accept Lucifer talking to them, he drove himself insane. I don't want the same thing that happened to you. I like you." God said with a caring tone.
"I don't give a shit, you can wait a second or two and tell him yourself," Todd mumbled in disgust.
"Radical, Todd seems to be speaking both parts of the conversation. That's really unusual. Then quite clearly I heard inside my head "Hi. I'm God."

I dropped my beer.