Music Journal #1- My Feelings

THANK YOU- ALANIS MORISSETTE

How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I'm filled up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

** This song became a favorite of mine at one of the most difficult times of my adult life. Actually, the entire album did, but this song more so than the others. In the summer of 2001, I started to experience anxiety attacks. I didn't know at first what was happening, other than I constantly felt nauseated, couldn't eat, and was physically unable to leave the comfort of my own home without feeling like I was going to die. I specifically remember one morning calling my mother and asking her to come up and take care of me because I felt "fucked up" and didn't know what was wrong. 26 years old and still wanting my mom to take care of me. I was scared. After multiple trip to the ER, and at the urging of a friend, I made an appointment with a psychiatrist.
On the day of my first appointment, I was filled with a mixture of emotions. I wanted to know what was wrong, if my friend was right about it being an "imbalance/anxiety issue", and if the doctor could fix me. What if my brain wasn't the problem? Then what? The appointment was long, and I had to answer a lot of questions. But, by the end of it all, the doctor said she could help me. A little medication, and therapy, and I would be able to handle the diagnosis- Depression/Anxiety/Bi-polar.
The medication started helping immediately. I think just knowing I was on the right track and that I could feel better was a huge help in itself. I started the therapy, and that was a life saver. I learned breathing techniques to battle the panic attacks, I learned that I was justified in my feelings about my childhood and young adult life that I had been struggling with, and I had someone to talk to that I didn't feel was judging me. I'm not saying I was completely "cured" of my issues, for I know that is a life-long battle I will always have to deal with, but it was definitely a game changer. It was the beginning to a long road of self discovery, confronting buried emotions and pain and demons, and it was HARD.
I had appointments every week, and my drive was about 45 minutes to an hour in each direction, so I had too much time to think before and after. A CD constantly in my CD changer was Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie by Alanis Morissette. On one of the days travelling to my appointment, "Thank You" came on, and I must have been deep in a negative emotion, because once it started playing, I just started crying. Specifically, the following verse:

"How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time"

I so desperately wanted to get to that point, and with everything and everyone. I think up until that point in my life, I had forgotten me. I had been so focused on pleasing others, never saying how I truly felt, never expressing my anger and resentment towards those who had hurt me. I grew up in a divorced family & a house where I felt that my feelings and opinions didn't matter... truth be told, they didn't, really. What was most important was how my parents felt, what each of them wanted when they wanted it. (My parents were selfish people, and I could go on for days about that & I probably will as I add new songs and meanings) But, I didn't know how to handle that. I felt sad, angry, isolated, and mixed up all of the time. Eager to please, mad that I was always trying to. I didn't know how to express myself and make myself heard. My self esteem was non-existent. I was constantly beating myself up for my mistakes & short-comings. I was severely damaged. I didn't want to be damaged anymore.

This song embodied every thought I had had up until that point in my life. It made me sad, and scared, and hopeful all at the same time. I made me feel strong, and gave me something to strive for. When I was feeling really low, I listened to it to release, and when I was really high, I listened to it to feel stronger. I still get extremely emotional when I hear it, and I think it will always be that way with this song. It's a reminder of where I have been, where I am now, and where I am headed. I am thankful for all of the bad, all of the good, and everything in between. And I now know it's okay to feel every emotion I feel. It's okay to forgive myself, and others. It's all part of the bigger picture. Thank YOU, Alanis.
_____
PART OF YOU, ME, PART OF YOU- GLENN FRYE

I felt it when the sun came up this morning
I knew that I could not wait another day
Darling, there is something I must tell you
A distant voice is calling me away

Until we find the bridge across forever
Until this grand illusion brings us home
You and I will always be together
From this day on you'll never walk alone

You're a part of me, I'm a part of you
Wherever we may travel
Whatever we go through
Whatever time may take away
It cannot change the way we feel today
So hold me close and say you feel it too
You're a part of me and I'm a part of you

I can hear it when I stand beside the river
I can see it when I look up in the sky
I can feel it when I...
So many miles to go before I die

We can never know about tomorrow
But still we have to choose which way to go
You and I are standing at the crossroads
Darling, there is one thing you should know

You're a part of me, I'm a part of you
Wherever we may travel
Whatever we go through
Whatever time may take away
It cannot change the way we feel today
So hold me close and say you feel it too
You're a part of me and I'm a part of you

I look at you your whole life stands before you
I look at me and I'm running out of time
Time has brought us here to share these moments
To look for something we may never find

Until we find the bridge across forever
Until this grand illusion brings us home
You and I will always be together
From this day on you'll never walk alone

You're a part of me, I'm a part of you
Wherever we may travel
Whatever we go through
Whatever time may take away
It cannot change the way we feel today
So hold me close and say you feel it too
You're a part of me and I'm a part of you

part of you, part of me, part of you
part of me, part of you

** This song reminds me of the day I left for college. I initially went to a Junior College for two years before venturing out to the Big Girl World, and moving away to a 4 year school. I went just far enough away so that my parents couldn't stop by on me unexpectedly, but not too far that I couldn't get home in less than 3 hours if I needed to. I was ready for my next adventure, was excited to live with my best friend, and ecstatic to be away from the strong-arm of the law (my parents). The only thing I wasn't excited for was leaving my baby sister behind and not being able to see her every day.
At this time, I was 20 years old, and my sister was 10 years old. A very big age difference for siblings, but despite the age difference, we were as close as two 'younger' sister's could be. I had made a mix tape of all of my favorite songs at the time and songs that were significant to my departure. This song was one of them... and when it finally played, I bawled like a baby.

I look at you your whole life stands before you
I look at me and I'm running out of time
Time has brought us here to share these moments
To look for something we may never find

My sister looked at me and of course asked why I was crying, and I just told her that the song reminded me of her, and that I was sad to be leaving her and sad that I would be missing out on some of the most important milestones of her life- boyfriends, break ups, friend drama, dances, first kisses, learning to drive- ALL OF IT. At the time, I don't think she could fully comprehend the significance of my leaving, just how much how the song was relevant to me and my feelings, or how difficult it was for me to leave her.
My love for my sister is immeasurable. And I still feel as strongly about this song now as I did then, and I cry every time it comes into rotation. Being so much younger, I saw her more as my child than I did my sibling. My mother would talk about that like it was a bad thing, like I was trying to take over her role, or something. But the truth of the matter is, I was forced into that role by my mother herself. Sixteen years old, and I was responsible for more than most of the kids my age... and probably more than any young adult, to be honest. I had school, cheerleading, work, cleaning the house when I got home, starting dinner for my mom, picking my sister up from brownies, taking her to gymnastics or whatever other activity she was in, babysitting her on the weekends when my parents went out, doing grocery shopping and little errands for my parents when they asked... it was a lot. And it continued on until I left for school. I was a even a "room mother" and a tutor for my sisters 4th grade class at one point. Of course, I felt like she was mine. How could I not?!??
I was angry about all I had to do. Not towards her, but towards my parents. All the same, I wouldn't change it for the world. It bonded us for life, and I know no matter what happens, she and I will be part of each other.
____