Plain Story 2

6 Harry Potter (on the train)

Potter: Hello, my Name's Potter. Potter, pottu, potu.
Weasley: Oh, can I eat you? (pause) You look good enough to eat. Sorry, it's not me, it's my brothers: Kred and George. They stop me having friends, well not friends, o-ronically of course.
P: (stutters) Oronically?
W: Oh, yes gosh. You'll have lots to fought, I mean think. Do you know any poetry..
Granger: Oh good, are you doing poetry.
P: Where did she come from?
W: Oh, never mind...Here, it's only muggle poetry but still potent.
Angels of thieves
Lemons of leaves
Give me this laughter
Sing me this rafter
Full, let me rivet this gum.
11 inches, marble. Look
Look Harry, look
P: I-
G: I am looking. I am. You'll have lots of time to measure at 11 o'clock, I eks-pekt.
Kred Weasley: Ron, where's Lavender
Noise: keep the voices quiet!
G: Sorry, that's mine. Oh, hello mum. Yes I'm just chatting up a boy. Well, you did ask for brutal honesty. It also doubles as a mobile phone
(no one hears her)
KW: Why did that thing tell for the voices to be quiet:
W: What is it anyway...
G: It's a voice enquirer, it tells you at what point in time...
KW: Oh, shut up
G: to listen to the voices in your head
W: It's raining
P: No, it's snow.
George Weasley: In september?
Neville: What the hell is going on?
Noise: Red rain, Red Rain!
GW: Sorry, it's the only thing I could think of to suit the atmosphere.
Draco Malfoy: Why I bet they can't even do sonnets or know that two plus two is five, kinetically speaking.
G: He's just bluffing, I bet he doesn't even know the difference between phonetics and dunetics.
W: Dunetics!? What's the difference?
G: Phonetics is how you speak, dunetics is how you shou-
M: Are Granger, good, I was looking for you. Do my washing.
N: (Gritted) Leave her alone!
G: Begone Malfoy. Expecto Palonium!
(hares erupt from her chest and chase him down squealing onto the floor)
GW: (meaningfully and conversationally) He's gone
GW: Who want's to play crap?
P: Pardon!
GW: (turgidly) Holy crap! You're Harry Potter
P: No, I'm an ontological being.
KW: Don't play loose with me. You're Harry Potter.
P: (pointendly) So!?
N: You defeated the Dark Lord!

Hagrid: Get your bells, get your bells to ward off evil spirits.
G: What is that man doing?
W: I think he's half giant.
H: Oh, hello Harry. Didn't see you there.
P: (indignant) Why not?
H: Got things on mi mind (tear comes from left eye across cheek).
GW: George Weasley (extends hand). Nice tu meet you?
G: You do know that's illegal, don't you?
H: Tis not! A train's neutral territory. No country owns that. (louder) No country, no laws. Anyway, what with seven houses to please, I had to start somewhere, and I've plonked with the Slytherins for September. They're rich (spits joyfully on corridor)
G: Seven houses. I thought they're were four!
H: Thought wrong then, dint yu! Four founding fathers and three immigrant houses: molidor, vallilee and monk. Molidors can translate, Vallilees can paint, and Monk's know how to kill time. Kill time, not spend it.
G: You both said it, you (pointing to George) and him. That's serendipity.
H: Well, you'll be learning about that in your houses, I mean castle, I say...
And here's your kraggle, I mean toad (lifts dark green boots to show squashed mess attached to left boot)...