It's Been Awhile

I feel attacked, but from myself.
Journal entries fill my bookshelf but the only time I write is when I hate myself.
I've stopped writing because it has become a depressant and a stimulant, like a drug;
but just like drugs, when times are tough where else is there to run? I've swept myself under the rug.
And of course I listen to music while I write this so it isn't posed or scripted, I have no idea what I'm writing which is why it'll be vivid.
I'm not sure if it's myself or my surroundings but I've become a mess at least once a day. I'm not sure where to go or what to say which is why this is more of a journal entry than anything. At first, I won't lie I was hoping this would turn into some deep depressing work of art but I can't help but fall apart. No tears, not words. I know I'm not better because when I listen to the music I use to live to, I break down. It might be a triggering but misery loves company. I can't help but go back to my old ways. I know that I have matured and I've learned. I've even become more passionate than ever but like I said, times are tough.
I'm thinking to myself, this must be awful however, I do not care. This is for me.
It's truly troubling, I feel like I'm a contradiction. I say this is for me and no one else but I feel unaccomplished if it seems "awful" or "juvenile." Maybe I'm just hopeful that this will make me feel better. So far, no good.
I'm telling you, it's the music.
I've been having these overwhelming thought again. I think about hurting myself and the thing is I don't know how to make it go away this time. I don't want to find my answer at the bottom of a bottle or screwed to a pencil sharpener but, I do want to find. The major question I have is how, I suppose.
Will it be in a hospital? Or in myself? How will I find happiness again when I just want everyone to leave me alone. I remember the last time this happened and I wished no one loved me so it wouldn't be so hard to leave.
I plan to be a doctor of psychology... I feel like this may be a setback but how do I fix it? I feel my breakdown coming but how do I stop it. i know it affects everyone around me and I think that's the hardest part. You know the feeling in your chest like it's about to implode but it doesn't so you just stay like that? Yeah, me too.
I need someone's help.