Tantario of the Toons

         This is the story of a cartoon. Our hero is from the old west. His name is Tantario. He is an Apache Indian who is tall and as thin as the pencil that drew him. His skin is dark orange and his hair is flaming red. He wears a purple vest, wool chaps, and nothing else. Don't worry, it's not offensive, he doesn't have any reproductive organs. His blood stained hands (that actually have five fingers) wield a rifle and spear, both of which ride on his back.
         He rides a great black stallion over the plains and canyons of a dusty landscape. He has no friends but many, more realisticly drawn pets. Above him flies Tweet, an enormous condor that cleans up the messes he leaves behind. On his shoulder is Scales, a Gila monster that whispers torrid and exotic thoughts into his ear. Then there is the pack of coyotes who have the uncanny ability to stand up on their hind legs. Their names our Champ, Chump, Chimp, and Chomps. Chomps is actually a long haired Chihuahua (though no one has noticed). She rides on the backs of the other coyotes.
         Our hero lies in the shadow of a stony tower of red rock, his wide brimmed hat pulled down over his eyes. Tweet is perched upon the tower his sharp eyes searching for death. The coyotes lay around him while Scales spells out a dream.
         It is a peaceful day. Sparrows dart overhead while hawks dive at them brandishing inch long claws. Porcupines and squirrels fight for space in the small pines that sprout from the charred remains of a forest fire, And from time to time an antlered buck pokes it's head out from it's hiding spot farther up the hill.
         Tantario doesn't care for the peace of the day. Which is why he dreams of a war between his people and the whities. Scales fills his head with gunfire and death. Then he introduces a line of naked women into the middle of the mayhem. They dance and leap and die. Their bodies are soon mangled beyond recognition. Then for the coyotes, Scales has the pack emerge from the ground and set upon the whities. Their jaws soon gush blood and their claws are clogged with entrails. Tantario never makes an appearance in the dream. Scales knows that he doesn't like himself enough to want that. So Tantario just watches until the inevitable conclusion.
         They always ended in the same way as Tweet swoops in and tears huge chunks from the scene to gulp them down until all that remains is pure blackness. Then a beam of light shoots through and Tantario wakes. He rubs at his aching back and scratches where his genitals should be. It's just a reflex guys have to make sure their equipment is still there.
         
         Let's see how a flesh and bone man awakes. He yawns, farts, stretches his arms, and looks at the unused pillow next to him. He frowns as his hand reflexively goes beneath his blankets. He gives his junk a jiggle, scratches where necessary, and sighs contentedly. Because he knows there is at least an outside chance that he might get to use it.

         By the way, this happens to be a single, well balanced man who is not yet totally desperate. Who knows what psychos (perhaps whack them with a rock hammer) or married men (look in their wife's jewelry case?) do with their genitals.

         Anyway, Tantario only knows disappointment when he wakes up. But he just frowns and climbs to his feet. "That was a good one Scales." He speaks apache in a deep voice. Scales hissed a bow as the coyotes growled their appreciation as well.
         Tantario looked around seeing that the towers shadow was growing short as the sun sought out his sleeping spot. "Time to move out fellas. Now where's that stupid horse?" The horse was indeed retarded which was the only reason Tantario had been able to tame it. Problem was it always wandered off.

         Quickly the search party dispersed. Tweet spread her mighty wings and her shadow brought night where ever it fell. The coyotes bound off in all directions, there barks and yips keeping them in communication.
         Tantario loped off as well, but he searched for water.
         As always Tweet spotted the horse first. It was biting at a piece of old charred wood not too far away. Tweet called out and the coyotes converged on the horse. Then herded it in Tantarios' direction. They all gathered around a clear pool and drank their fill. Then it was time for the hunt.
         The hunt followed the same course as finding Horse except this time the buck was the prey and tantario joined in, bringing forth his spear. He didn't bother with his rifle. Bullets were for people.
         Tweet flew low and let out a call when she spotted the buck. Tantario and the coyotes took up the chase while tweet swooped over their prey making it change directions and slowing it down.
         When Tantario and the pack caught up they attacked recklessly. Injuries quickly followed. Champ took a hoof to his skull and fell to the ground twitching. Chimp managed to jump on the bucks rump with Chomps on her back, But the buck leapt high and Chimp flew off hitting hard against a rock, breaking bones in her legs and back. At the same time Chomps somehow became impaled on the buck's antlers.
         Tantario was able to ram his spear into the buck before his dumbass horse panicked and through him to the ground. He landed hard on his ass, crushing his tailbone while Scales jumped from his shoulder and rolled away unharmed.
         Still Tantario's spear made the buck stumble so that Chump could latch onto it's throat and bring it down. The two thrashed about for a while before the buck went still. The others quickly crawled (chimp), scratched (Champ), and waddled (Tantario) to their kill. Once there Tantario extracted Chomps from the antlers and used the head of his spear to cut out chunks of meat for himself and Scales. Then the pack went to work before Tweet cleaned up the rest leaving only the bones.
         As they ate Champ's skull popped back into shape, Chimps bones mended, and even Chomps' broken body healed.
         Meanwhile Tantario lay on his stomach as his meal cooked over a small fire. And when he ate his tailbone healed and his stomach bulged out. As for Horse, he ate just about anything and at the moment chewed at the deer's antlers.

         Once finished this tribe of the homeless unwanted stood strong and noticeably brighter. Ready to set out into a very strange world.