Relationship Depression

Maybe I am depressed. When all you want to do is mean something to that special person. You want to be the center of their attention. The things you would do to have their love unconditionally. You just want them to feel your warmth, and you want to feel theirs. My mind runs uncontrollably about her. What she's doing, who she's with. How much better she's doing than me. What got me into this? I thought I was doing the right thing. We didn't have the best love. Far from it. She made me miserable some times, so why? Why do I crave it? Is it the jealousy of one person to another or is it love? It's hard for me to know the difference right now. I wish I knew. All I can say is that I wish she was the one for me. I wish we clicked so perfectly. Maybe what I crave is a fantasy. Something that wasn't really there, but I thought was. I just don't want other guys to have what I possibly missed out on. Her beauty is the deepest. That's for certain. I wish our personalities were the same depth in similarity. I look at her and I see a wife. Why are my thoughts portraying her as this wonderful person when I know she isn't. At least for me. It wasn't very often that she didn't cry or get upset when we hung out. Was that me ? Is it who I am that made those awful emotions come out of her like that? God I hope not. All I wanted to do was make her happy and have her whole heart. She was a queen. Full of innocence. I was a fool, thinking I could live to her standards. I wish I could. But that's just not the person God made me. Will I ever make a person that I love and cherish feel that way? Love is not love without equality. If you don't look at that person with the same passion they look at you with, it is simply a crush. That's what I fear. Never finding love. I'm so picky. Only because I want the right things for me. I understand no one is perfect. But that doesn't mean that no one is the right one. Where do I find her? How do I find her? What do I do and say when I'm in that situation. I don't want to mess it up. Love is so fragile. That's because it is based on perspective. One second can make that perspective change. I just don't know who would love me. There's so many things wrong with me. I am a mess. I just can't see a time where a girl would see me as a first choice opposed to all the other choices in the world. There's so much better out there than me, a girl would be the fool to limit herself like that. What do I have to offer to them? Passion? You can find that anywhere. Maybe after a couple of tries, but eventually you'll find it, with a wonderful person. I just don't feel that that person, is me.