Welcome Back Jekyll, Goodbye Hyde

March 03, 2016.



I won't try to pull you in with hooks. I will not attempt to get your attention. Trust me, the allure and predilection is there. To want to trap, lure, you into my world, is there. But I won't do that. Cannot do that.

For if I am editing these words to want you to read, if I am painting a gory, or glorious word for you to want to follow, then I have not done my job. My job in wanting to show you what an addicts life holds for them... for us... for those that might understand, is precarious. For those trying to help, for those morbidly curious, for those just morbid.

For we are morbid in our outlooks.

We are morbid, or we wouldn't be addicts.

There are those that disagree. "I'm not morbid, I'm just expressing myself." Yes, honey, I know. I want to express myself too. There are those that say "Artistry is expressing your self, no matter what."

The matter what is what addicts like I deal with every single day - every single breath-taking internally every moment that you "normal folk" take for granted.

Every single breathe of subterfuge, playing the scales, - because consequence, because even if the scales foreshadow death we'll still play them, we'll still try to cheat them, we'll still try to evade, avoid,... and the hardest of them all for everyone around us, we'll still try to play the game, with our own vitality, nay, our own breathe, lying there on a piece of green velvet with our "hidden ace" up our sleeves, waiting for the moment when we have to cash it all in.

For most of the world's poker players, "Cashing it in" means laying down your hand and knowing, without a doubt, that you have won the pot.

For addicts, cashing it in means you've surrendered to your deepest, darkest fear. You have given power to those around you to make your decisions for you. You have succumbed to the power and force of torment that has overtaken your brain.

You have given in.

Which is the scariest prospect in this heaven and earth to an addict.

You have given in.

Because we ask ourselves every single day, even in our alcohol-drug-emotional abuse fueled haze.

Have I given in to being sick, or have I given in to being well?

Both chooses scare the shit out of us.

We addicts welcome you to the table. Some will say begrudgingly. Others will say, "It's about damn time."

For in truth, we want you to sit at our table, to scrutinize the cards up our sleeve.

Not to say, "Yeah, I know him; I beat his own game because he was too drunk to notice."

No, we want you to stop, to listen. And for you to say.

"Yeah, I know him because he was one hell of a card player. I know him because beneath the hand he played, beneath the cards he was trying to hide, beneath his next order of drinks, he was a man who wanted to be present at the table of life. And this was the only, at this time in his, was the only way he knew how to be there at the table.















Day 90, 3 months
July 24, 2015

So it's been three months now. Woo hoo! I hadn't realized how long it's been since I've written here. 90 days. Holy Cow. In some ways I still can't believe it. 1/4 of a year. That is huge for me; I never would have believed that I could go this long without booze.

I have finally realized that I can be happy without it. I can give a genuine smile and really feel it. Don't get me wrong, there is still that little voice that often tries to convince myself that I could also be happy with it, but I try to tell that stupid voice to shut the hell up.

Crazy as it sounds, I've found that one of the hardest parts or biggest triggers is television. Cray huh? That a silly little box with moving pictures in it could make me salivate for a drink. But have you ever noticed how many friggin' commercials there are for alcohol? Or how many times people in EVERY SINGLE TELEVISION SHOW drink? Jimminy Christmas. I know, the solution to this is simple: don't watch so much TV. I get that. But still. Imagine how much free space there would be if we didn't devote over half our attention span to the buying of booze. Just saying.

Well, I got my three month coin today at my meeting, which was awesome! Also was gifted with the coolest, most beautiful sober gift from my best friend. What an amazing day. AND I"M SOBER! YEEEEEEE HAWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for sharing with me!



Day 60, 2 months!
June 24, 2015

Today I earned my two month coin! Woo Hoo! 60 days and counting of sobriety!

For some, Thanksgiving doesn't come until the end of November, but for me hitting my 2 month mark and staying strong and sober has been my Thanksgiving. To celebrate this, my very dear friends prepared a true Thanksgiving dinner for us this past weekend, complete with turkey and all the 'fixin's! With the scrumptious meal I was asked to write a list of ten things that I am thankful for which I then shared with them, and now I would like to share these things with all of you.

Ten Things I Am Thankful For (and billions of other things too!)
(In no particular order)

1.) Being sober and healthy today, the 60th day and counting of sobriety. I am thankful that I had/have the strength and the blessings to get sober and stay that way.

2.) My Higher Power, the Lord. Without His love and guidance I could not be the person that I am. He is giving me the strength to follow through with this and there are no words for how thankful I am for Him.

3.) My family, friends, and loved ones are one of the biggest blessings in my life. They have and do support me in this journey as well as other journeys, for which I am so very grateful for. This road to staying sober ultimately had to be my own decision to make and conquer, but it would be an extremely more difficult and lonely road without the love, support and encouragement that they give me every day.

4.) My health. The pain in my liver that I felt every day while drinking is gone! I am blessed enough that my liver was able to repair itself and that I did not do permanent damage.

5.) Having a place to live, food to eat and my car. I could be homeless and starving right now but I am fortunate enough to have people in my life who love me and care enough about me to open their home to me. And with that, I FEEL loved by them and like I am a part of something. They make me smile every day.

6.) Furry friends that give me love and affection every day! It may sound silly to some people who have never shared their lives with animals but my life is so enriched by Blackjack, Bear, the froggys at night outside my window... When I hug my Big Boy or Pooch I am filled with happiness. They give me love and acceptance that is unconditional and floods my heart with warmth.

7.) My artistic abilities. Some of the greatest joy in my life comes from writing, crafting, being involved in the theatre, etc. These things are essential to life like the air that I breathe and I am truly thankful to have the ability to do them. Thinking about them now shows me how much I miss these things when I have not done them in a while and makes me want to get back into doing the things that I love. I have given up my passions for far too long and I need to bring them back into my life ASAP. Creativity brings me SO MUCH joy and I should not be afraid of it.

8.) My confidence coming back. Self-confidence is a very important thing to have and for so long I have lacked it. I feel GOOD about myself now and I am beginning to see some of my worth. I still have a long way to go in this department, but I am starting to believe that I have talent and am a good person. I am starting to believe that people have reasons for liking me; I have reasons for liking me.

9.) Memories – good, bad, and those still to make. I have so many good memories. They bring me joy, laughter, sometimes tears and my life would not be the same without them. They show me who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. They push me to achieve my goals and they enrich my life. They can bring a smile to a bad day.
Though hard to remember and there are those that should not be remembered at all, some bad memories are important too. They show me how I DON’T want to live my life anymore and remind me of the mistakes that I cannot make again. They also make me smarter and more aware, as well as more resilient. That being said, I am in no way asking fate to send me a bunch more in order to gain more battles to fight! I’ll take what the Lord wants me take and that’s all folks!
And I am looking forward to the good memories that He has in store for me now and in the future.

10.) Good theatre, good books, good music and good movies. These things make me happy and feel good. I can’t help but smile when I hear Elvis singing to me, be filled with emotion and desire to be a part of it when I hear/watch a musical theatre production. A good book can pull me into a character, a time, and a place and can help me to create my own stories. No matter what mood I’m feeling, there is a movie out there I love that will fit with that mood and immerse me. These things are not so much escapes and running away from life, but running WITH life.


So there you have it folks, my not-so-grammatically-correct list of thanks. Try one of your own, you'd be surprised at how fulfilling it is just to think about it and write it down. Kind of puts things into perspective. It's a great way to make yourself smile and hey, you just might make someone else smile along the way.







Day 49
June 13, 2015

7 weeks of sobriety. One week away from earning my 2 month coin. In the past few weeks since posting many things have threatened and many things have strengthened that sobriety. Word of advice - when working towards staying clean do not let your medications run out before you can refill them. Many of you may be saying "What? Medications? Did you substitute one substance for another?!" No, I have not. Anyone who knows addiction can relate to the fact that the substance abuse is almost always a symptom of underlining issues - depression, anxiety, fear, anger, etc. There are many of us who require assistance to control these problems in order to maintain a healthy balance, i.e. medication. If these are not abused, anti-depressants etc. can be essential to healing if used properly. There is no shame in this, nor should there be any stigma attached.

I have no problem stating that in order to get sober in the first place I checked into a rehab facility. Again, there should be no stigma or shame over this. In fact, I believe that anyone who takes that step in order to get help should be commended and should be proud that they did what they had to do in order to get the help they desperately needed. When in rehab the addict meets daily with therapists, counselors and doctors who prescribe medications that are intended to be continued even after treatment.

Key Words - Intended To Be Continued After Treatment! I ran out of my meds and foolishly thought I would be ok going a few days without before I could get them refilled. Not a good idea. Those days were hellish and the friends I am staying with deserve a medal for dealing with the emotionally distraught, highly irritable, moody troll I became during that time. Thankfully, I still had the strength and resolve to not drink during that time, but boy was it rough.

My point in writing this is to say that it is okay to get help with your recovery. It is essential in fact. Counseling and addiction meetings (AA, NA, Al-Anon, etc.) are necessary, and if a trusted doctor prescribes medication that helps but does not mask the issues, then stick with it. Help is not a handicap.



Day 31
May 26, 2015

As I sit here typing my eyes are drawn not to the computer screen but to the red coin sitting on the keyboard. A coin stamped with 1 month on the face and the serentiy prayer on the back. 1 month. I earned my one month coin of sobriety from my AA group yesterday and let me tell you- this coin means more to me than any I might find in my wallet.

If you had told me 2 months ago that I would have 31 days of sobriety under my belt I would have scoffed and called you crazy. But now, as I look at that coin I see the following ones in line that will be next to it, 2 months, 3, 4, 5, 6 ... 1 year, 2 years, 3, 4, 5, 6 ... And it will go on. I've worked very hard to earn these 31 days and I will not give them up. They represent life, hope instead of sorrow, health instead of sickness, joy instead of anger, peace instead of anxiety... the list goes on.

I struggle still - every day. It wouldn't be called a victory if we didn't have to battle for it. And I know that it will contiune to be a fight every day to stay sober, a challenge that will never leave me. But it will get easier with time. As day 31 is a little bit easier than day 1 was, with each baby step I take the road will be a little bit less strewn with obstacles and boulders. Will it eventually turn into a smooth path free of pitfalls? No, life is not like that. But when I do come across those obstructions that sit in wait along the way, I have an amazing support group that will and always has reached down to help me scramble up and over. And I have myself ... a much stronger person than I realized I was before.

Am I cured? No, this disease has no cure. But can I do it? Absolutley, if I continue to work hard for it.

Who would have thought a coin could mean so much...


Day 24
May 19, 2015

Day 24 dawns with a sense of relief, a feeling of having come thru a day of trial and test. A feeling of having run a marathon where the stop-watch was my own mind.
I started a new job yesterday. The four hours of training went well. I wasn't even aware that the little voice of un-reason was lurking in the back rooms of my mind until I clocked out and got into my car to leave. As I pulled out of the parking lot and headed to my noon AA meeting, that disembodied voice pushed through and said "Ah, work-day complete, now I can stop and get some wine to unwind." I was shocked as the words echoed through my head like a ping-pong ball wildly smacked to bounce around the walls of my conscience. What the hell? Where did that come from? I had a moment of panic. The cravings reared up and screamed at me to turn when I passed the store where I used to always buy my booze.

Old habits die harder that steel at times, especially when you find yourself in the same patterns of your previous life. I mentally yelled at that little voice, telling it to shut the hell up, to go away and leave me alone because I am stronger than it's urges. Why was I feeling this way? Because the last time I was working, I was still drinking. For years my habit was to drink, work, and drink. If I worked the evening shift, I would drink before work. If I worked the morning shift, I would work and then drink. Having gone through the motion of the morning shift, my old ways of living come to the surface and demanded that it was now time to drink.

We call ourselves Recovering Alcoholics because we are always recovering. Being an alcoholic will always be with us, it is not a thing, label, feeling, etc. that will ever go away. We cannot divorce it, we cannot move to a different town and leave it behind. It is a disease that we will always carry with us, but we do have the capacity to put it into constant remission if we want it bad enough and constantly work to keep it at bay. Some times are easier than others. There are those times, as yesterday proved, when the old ways and thoughts rear up out of the blue, and we are faced with a struggle and a tough decision to make.

But we CAN do it. Even if it leaves us feeling like a wet towel rung out and tossed into a heap on the floor.

Did I stop and drink yesterday? Thankfully no. Did that little voice make me want to? Yes. That's the simple truth. Whats not so simple is that I wasn't willing to throw away 23 days of hard-won sobriety.

And here is the dawn of a beautiful Day 24.



Day 21
May 16, 2015

Day 21! Yay! Being sober is amazing unto itself, and when you have people to share it with, people who support you and encourage you every step of the way, it is all the more profound. I am blessed enough to have such people in my life, and I hope and pray that you do too. I awoke this beautiful morning to find a suprise on the dining room table waiting for me. There lay a beautiful hanging dragonfly, made of patterned glass and silver with more glass, beading, and metal work trailing about two feet below it. Picture a wind-chime of sorts. The wonderful angels whom I am staying with gave me this gift because they believe in me. Now, instead of the number 21 having the drinking connotations that youths salivate over, to me 21 will always be the day my dragonfly marked three weeks and counting of sobriety.

Day 20 was an eye-opener. It was a day that could have gone south if I had given into the old patterns and destructive thoughts that propell a drinking spree. I found myself sitting in front of a bonfire. Stop and think about that for a moment. How many times have we sat around a roaring fire under the stars, with music playing and the drinks flowing? Such a social gathering almost always goes hand-in-hand with excessive drinking, laughing, conversing, and partying.

But for once I was able to sit, laugh, party, and have conversations... that I actually remember the morning after!! Amazing!! Could I have had a drink? Yes. Could I have stopped at that one drink? No. Was I tempted? Of course, there are temptations everywhere we look as recovering alcoholics. Did I still have an awesome time without it and feel a sense of pride and accompishment when I didn't give in to those cravings? ABSOLUTELY!!!! What an amazingly freeing experience to be able to have fun with friends doing something that I have always enjoyed but to not have to rely on alcohol in order to have a good time. And to be able to hold coherent conversations and remember them in minute detail the next day... what a thrill!

Last night I danced under the stars without falling and sloshing all over the person I was dancing with. Last night I laughed, smiled and sang to the music without slurring and slipping. Last night, I lived.

Those who don't struggle with this disease may not get the significance of such an experience. That's okay. We do, and that's a very important thing.

Thank you for sharing with me. May you smile today, and tonight, take a moment to look up at those stars above you. Life can twinkle and shine with beauty just as they do.



Day 19
May 14, 2015

Nineteen days of what, you ask? The big S - the road back to life, health, hope, love, redemption, happiness and so many positive things too innumerable to count.

SOBRIETY.

A word that haunts many people but which is the life-preserver we must swim to and grasp with all that we have in the choppy, storm-ridden sea of booze in order to survive. At times this "simple" word has struck fear, anger, anxiety and depression in the hearts of many, myself included. To live sober is to live, but it's not always an easy breast-stroke.

Many who read this will find my story familiar, others who are not personally involved with this horrible disease may still glean a better understanding. Whether you are the person afflicted with the cunning, baffling and powerful monster that is alcoholism or the loved one of a person struggling with it, you are not alone.

As of April 26, 2015, I have finally made the life-altering desicion to stay sober, nineteen days and counting! Along with this transformation, I am creating this informal blog of sorts, to be updated regularly. I am writing it for myself and for all of you. In doing so it will help me to continue on the path of recovery and I hope that it may help you to see that though it is one of the hardest things we will ever do, it IS possible. I have faith in me and I have faith in every one of the alcoholics out there who want to get better again.

I am no saint. I do not have all of the answers.I have not found the magic wand that will always make the heartache and hopelessness disappear that sometimes creeps in to make us doubt ourselves. But I have found the hope that I needed and the belief in myself to finally change my life for the better by putting down the bottle. Is it easy? Hell no. But can I - can WE - do it? HELL YES!

Whether you are the alcoholic, mother/father, sister/brother, aunt/uncle, grandparent, friend etc. of the person(s) suffering, or one who simply wants to have a better understanding, come with me on this journey. Let's swim through this current together, helping each other to keep our heads above water. The sandy, sometimes pebble-strewn ocean floor will be beneath our feet to guide us back to shore, if we find the courage to put our feet down and stand up out of the water.

Please feel free to comment, review, and ask questions of me and others while following my journey with me. Thank you.