The House

The House

I find myself dreaming about the house that I grew up in. I see all the wonderful work that has been done on the house and still am critical about the fact that on the outside it does not look right. I marvel at all that was done while I was fighting my own battles in Kansas. I was glad for what my sister Lori accomplished with a lot of help. Yet I will always think of that green house as home. Now that it will be up for sale it will belong to someone else. I can not imagine all the emotions that were tagged and stirred up as people dressed up the house to meet prospects, so that we all might have closure and the reward of seeing just how valuable our home is.

As I laid in bed I recalled the times I got on my knees and prayed. It was the place where my relationship with God took root. It was the one place I looked forward to going to whenever I went back "home". It might seem crazy, but for me at least it was the one place that felt safe, as brothers and sisters fought for there own sense of independence and glory.

Over time everything changes. I will get past this with God's help. There was another special family vacation place called "the farm" that had to be sold. It was the magical place where I got lost in the woods and cried out to God. God was there for me. It was purchase by another family at least thirty years ago. I never have gone back there and I doubt I ever will.

I write this with fear and trepidation. I in no way want to undermine the tremendous efforts to create a dream house. I am not even there while all this is going on. The same house that feels safe also is a reminder of all the hurt that can happen whether people mean for it to happen or not. I honestly think that same house I looked forward to seeing was a reminder of suffering mental illness. I was sent to a halfway house where I saw the placard "Home is where the heart is". My healing happened in that other place. Here I am wanting to be "home" and face the reality of what I truly want for myself. Mom, Dad and my grandparents are gone and what is left? If it is true to say that there is no place like home where is it? Home is where the heart is. I live to see how and why that is true. I celebrate that with others I look forward to after this life is over and done the one place I really know as home, a place where I see God.