Her Smile

Her smile. That was what was imprinted in his mind. Her smile, it was something that he would never again experience for the rest of his life. Which only made its memory more terrifying. It once brought him comfort in which he would dwell in, but now it was a like a star. Something he once thought he could touch, but now the reality was that he could have never been able to reach her.

He never knew that, that was the last moment with her. In some ways he still couldn’t believe it. That moment was the end of her smile and his own.

He was so naïve when it happened. Maybe if he had been more careful and listened he would still see her smile, but the past was still the past. No. Nothing could change what happened. All he could do was stare at the dead world he had built himself. A world of protection from everything that might bring anyone else near. There, alone, in his mind he stayed. Safe from everything that could have tried to touch him.

But she still came.

Not in the physical ways she once did. For he could not see her in the light, but when the light of the sun began to fade behind the mountain tops… she was there. He would be sitting on his reading chair, watching the sun set in the ash filled sky alone when he felt her. But this time was different.

“Joseph,” her voice entering his mind as almost as she had whispered in his own ear.

He could almost feel her breath against his skin. The faint smell of her perfume seemed to linger in the air were she would have been. It was then, in what seemed since she had gone, that a peace filled him. His eye lids grew heavy and the sound of her voice cause him to let down his guard. Slowly his head dropped and he closed his eyes.

When he opened them again he was no longer in that chair facing the setting sun. He blinked a few times trying to adjust to the light. Once everything began to clear he could feel a chill run down his spin. He had been there before. The soft green grass under him. The light of the sun dancing on the trees. But it couldn’t be. This place was no more. No, this place had disappeared-

With her.

“Joseph, what are you doing?”

He turned his head to the side and froze. He couldn’t help but stare at her. She looked just like he remembered her to look like. Her blond hair tousled and crazed from the wind. Those bright blue eyes that seemed to shin brighter than the sun itself, and that smile. That perfect smile.

“Come on, you goof, what are you doing on the ground?” she asked through a laugh.

That laugh. He almost forgot about that laugh of hers. She hated it, but he found it adorable.

She set herself beside him almost as if it was the most normal thing in the entire world. He couldn’t speak. Words seemed to be not be real. This wasn’t real. This couldn’t be.

“Joseph what’s wrong?” She asked breaking the silence.

His tongue felt like lead in his mouth. To speak. He need to speak to her. He swallowed and let out a nervous laugh. He found his mouth moving on its own accord. Something in which he would have never wanted to say. Not when there were so many things that he could have said, but it was too late.

“Nothing”

She graced him with a knowing look. A smirk coming to her face.

“Come on Joseph. Something is on your mind. One, you are never this quite. Never. And two you have been staring at me for the last 10 minutes. Something is wrong.” She said looking back at the sun set.

The sun made her eyes sparkle and its warmth seemed to cling to her skin. She glowed. He could hardly believe it himself. He could almost feel her joy pouring out. He hadn’t experienced that in some time. There was no more joy in the real world. Not anymore at least. A smile came to his face and decided that he would enjoy this moment as it lasted.

His eyes meet the horizon and he let out a long sigh. It was all so beautiful. The sky was painted with red, yellow, purples… an image that he could barely remember. Yes, the feeling of the grass below him was a dream. It was all a dream.

“This is a dream.” He said, in his words.

“Aw, does that mean I am your dream girl, Joseph?” she teased, her eyes never leaving horizon.

“You were always my girl,” he said and this time he reached for her hand.

He couldn’t help but stare at it. He could feel it. Her soft warm flesh touching his own. Just like it once was.

He looked back at her face. He couldn’t tell if she was blushing or if it was the way the last bit of sun touched her freckled face. They sat there in what may have seemed like a second in his mind. Then she did what he dreaded. She jumped up and offered her hand to help him up.

“Lets, head back.” She said.

He grabbed her hand and pulled himself up. They walked in near silence. He could feel the wind on his face. Oh, the taste of the wind. He forgot it all. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This was a dream, but it felt so… real. No, but it couldn’t be. This was just a realistic dream. He was savoring this moment. This one moment.

Her laugh brought him out of his concentration. She leaned against him and continued to laugh. Bits of her hair brushed against his face. The sharp scent of her shampoo invaded his senses. She was just how he remembered her being. Not that mangled weak girl in the morgue… Before she was taken. Before it happened. She was just as he left her. He wrapped his arms around her almost to hold her down making sure she wouldn’t disappear as she once did. Burying his face into her hair he wept.

“Joseph.” She said into his chest. “What’s wrong?”

She moved her head from his chest and stared into his face. Her hands touched his face. Her smile broke and a frown set on her features. She rubbed the tears from his face.

“Hey, hey, please don’t cry. Please don’t cry.” She said softly. “Please tell me what is wrong? Please.”

“I don’t want to wake up.” He said quietly.

“Why?”

“Because when I wake up you will be gone.”

“Then don’t wake up.”

Those words shocked him. Could he never wake up? Would he want to stay like this with her forever? Yes, yes, he didn’t like the world without her. There was no world without her. If only it where that simple.

He pressed his forehead to hers and sighed. Oh, if it where only that simple. He remembered something that he would have asked her if she was still alive. Something that he wished he did a long time ago.

“Marry me,”

She let out a small laugh. A smile tugging on her lips.

“Oh, Joseph.” She said and there was something in her eye that he had not seen before.

He would have never imagined her saying the words she said next. He could not tell if it brought him grief or joy. It brought him something. Something that he was not expecting to feel. Something that could never be defined.

“The dead cannot marry. The dead cannot marry.”