Candles

Candles









Me….. Sitting in a chair…. her standing over me…. looking. Looking at me…. seductively, her eyes said I want you. Her body said, take me…. if only for tonight. I swear this is the last time I’m doing this. I shouldn’t be here now but I am. Damn when she called me I knew I was in trouble, but I couldn’t help but….

“Come over”. I shouldn’t be here. I don’t want to be here. Why am I here…With her? If I could just walk away from her, at least one time….it would give me the power to never come back. “After work,” she said.

“Come see me, and wear that sexy suit and tie”. Damn her, and those lit candles. Why did she call me? Why she say that to me…In that voice. She, herself, doesn’t control me. But the way she looks at me, the way she smells, the way her body curves. My god, please help me. If I could just close my eyes to pray for just a moment… but I can’t stop…. staring at her. I can’t stop touching on her, and she won’t stop kissing me. And the same situation happens again. She won’t stop taking me……She won’t stop….won’t stop…stop….She won’t stop giving me pleasure.

“Give me pleasure”, she whispers. I take her, but not like a man in control, but like a man being controlled. Damn girl you good at what you do. Me on the other hand I’m done already with what I do. I fail too deep. I wonder is it possible to truly love someone you hate. Someone who makes you hate yourself, but gives you so much pleasure. I wonder… if I could return that feeling…would she feel the same as I do. No! It’s a sport to her, a competition for control of the soul.

Devil woman, “I Love you”. She smiles and laughs at me. What’s funny I wanted to say to her. I do love you.. I wanted to scream. But that type courage you can’t find in me. So I just smiled and hugged her body. She rubbed the top of my head as we laughed together. She got off me and slipped her panties back on, and covered the rest of her body with a pink see threw robe. I couldn’t stop staring at her… admiring every part of her body.

“I’m glad you came” she says. A gentle hint that it was time for me to go.

“Yea I’m glad I came too”. LIE!!! I pulled up my pants and buckled them. I button my shirt up and put on my blazer. As if I’m being rushed. The way she looks at me has changed. The passion left her eyes just as fast as it came.

I got up and walked out the door. I stood in the door way, and she looked at me. She stood their standing there while holding the door open, looking at me. I smiled at her…oh if only this time was different. All she had to say was see you later, or soon, or I don’t know something to let me know that I get to see her again…for sure. But that’s just not the case, not with her anyway.

“Bye candy,” she says. A term that she gives all her no name lovers.

“Bye baby….Oh and take care of that body for me,” I say with falsehood. Man fronting is so hard when you know you’re about to cry. She nods and closes the door as I walk away from her apartment door. My legs feel shaky as walk down the stairs, to the parking lot in front of her building. A real man never cries but, I couldn’t hold back the tears when I got in my car. My steering wheel took a beating as I hit in frustration. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t love someone like this, but the sad thing is…I don’t like to lose, and I love things I can’t have.

I drove home and wouldn’t you believe it, I made it there safely. Who would have guess I get there in a bunch of pieces. I walk into to my home…my beautiful beach house. My lonely house…man it’s so empty in here. I need more paintings, another pool table, and maybe some more…I don’t know. Ha! I’d have to turn up the heat in here, just so it could stop being so cold. I’m losing my mind I think. I never thought about death so much in my life…but maybe I’m just alone.

I had a dream last night, or was it a nightmare. I don’t know but it was weird and it kind of hurt my chest. I was at the beach and I saw her there in the middle of the water. She was so far out and it looked like she was drowning. I was wearing my suit tie again, but I didn’t take it off. I saw her sinking to the bottom and I didn’t think, I just reacted, and dove into the water. I swam after her. I swam hard and fast, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t catch up to her. The waves were too strong. I didn’t give up though I kept swimming, and swimming, but it was no use she was just too far out. I kept swimming though because I had faith, and I was hopeful… or maybe foolish enough to keep trying. I lifted up my head and saw others. Other, guys, swimming after her…just like me, and then this rescue mission, all of sudden became a race for the drowning women. I wouldn’t quit though, if anything, seeing the others gave me my second wind. But still she was too far gone, to catch up with, and my tears were just adding to the water. The waves got bigger and I drowned. I drowned trying to save her.

But that was just a dream.

I woke up in my bed in the middle of the night. I walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Who was I? I couldn’t tell any more, I looked the same but still I couldn’t recognize myself. I thought to myself, am I still a good person? I’m not losing my mind am I? No I’m losing my heart, and for what? Just to win something that I’ll throw away if I ever got it. Life can’t be this complicated, can it? I don’t know what to do next. I’m so lost, so I prayed to God.

“Dear heavenly father can you just send me a girl that loves me, and only me. A women I can share my life with, and not only the riches in my house but the ones in my heart. Dear God get rid of all the trash in my life; get rid of all the things that hurt me please. Amen.”

I walked back to my bed and looked at it. It’s messy and ugly. That isn’t good but I still got go through with sleeping in it. It reminded me of my relationship with Raspberry. Even though Raspberry was sweet, and beautiful, but she wasn’t good for me.

I have to meet someone new. I got get out and try and find the right love, the right type of lady. If I can do that I’ll know who I really am. I’ll know where I belong, and if my life has actual meaning besides being alone with my thoughts all the time. Is it so bad to want to share with someone, and wanting to get something in return. I’m going to fine the right one for me, God’s going to help me. I’ll get what I want and what I deserve. I’m a good person aren’t I? So why should I worry? That’s right I shouldn’t worry, all this sitting alone in my chair thinking all day long is over.

I met this girl at my job. Clementine was her name. She smiled at me all the time so, I knew she liked me. If I wasn’t so dumb I probably would have noticed her earlier but, you know I think everything happens for a reason. That’s why when we were assigned to a project together I took it as a sign that this was my time to ask her out. Mixing business pleasure was never a good idea but, I wasn’t going to lose a chance for love because of work. My God if you see my head, let me know where it is. I think at this point in my life I’m ready to sacrifice anything. I mean I’m almost 25, I don’t have a lot time left to find what I’m looking for. Or maybe I’m desperate because I’m tired of getting hurt.

Clementine, a cute young women, not beautiful like Raspberry but, I think I can work with her. She began talking about work but I was more interested in talking about our future together.

“The numbers for this report are solid and…” She looks up to see smiling at her. “What?”

“Oh sorry I was just….it’s nothing”

“Um ok anyway….let’s get back to the numbers”

“Well it’s just, that we’ve be working at the same company for so long and I just now realized…” I laugh.

“Realized what?”

“I just realized how beautiful u really are.”

She giggles and says “Well now, that’s ummmm… well that’s nice.”

“Yea I apologize if this catching you off guard… I just wanted to let you know how I felt about you.”

“What do you mean how you feel about me?”

“I just I like you and well if you give me a chance I can show you that I’m worth giving your heart too.”

Her smile grows bigger, and she closes her eyes. Then she looks up at me and says “Well if you think you can do me right then I guess I have nothing to lose.”

“So um….where do we go from here”

“Why don’t you start by taking my number, and calling me for a date?”

“Ok then I’ll do that.”

Dating Clementine was the best time I ever had, simply because she was so easy to please. I mean I could give her something simple, like a butterfly pin, and she was easily impressed. We had fun together, and I could tell she really cared about me. In such a short time she gave me her heart. Unfortunately we had yet to have sex, and I’d never worked so hard to get a lay. Also through the whole time I couldn’t stop thinking about Raspberry, but I figured it was because Clementine and I had yet to take our relationship to the next level.

After about two months of dating it was finally about that time. I could feel it. When I asked her back to my house, I knew tonight was the night. I asked her back to my place and she accepted with joy.

“I was wondering when we get to this part,” I said in a joking manner.

“Oh really so you want me huh?”

“Oh yea baby,” I wrapped my arms around her and leaned in to kiss her. She leaned the rest of the way and we kissed. We kissed passionately, and I grabbed her tighter and rubbed my hands down from her back to her butt. I squeezed it, it felt good, but it wasn’t round like Raspberry’s. Why am I thinking about that? I stopped kissing her and picked her up in my arms. I carried her to my room, and laid her on my bed. I looked at her and I couldn’t help but noticed that her hips weren’t as curvy as Raspberry’s, her lips weren’t as full as either. Then I stopped and I looked at Clementine deeply. Something about her just wasn’t right for me. She was amazing and she made me feel safe and secure but, I couldn’t help but feel that she didn’t really accept me.

I mean after every conversation we had I kept getting the feeling that she was just going through the motions. Like she wasn’t really sure if she wanted to be there, I mean I could tell that she didn’t want to hurt me by rejecting me, however she wasn’t sure about me. I felt as if she saw me as a dark figure that wanted dark things from her. I wonder if she could tell that I was so lonely that I would’ve been with anyone. I liked her but how could I love her if she didn’t accept me for what who I am and what I’ve done.

“What is it,” she asked?

“Do you trust me,” I asked?

“Yea…I mean I do…but I won’t let you hurt me if that’s what you mean.”

“No it’s not”

“I mean I know you been through a lot of, I mean especially with that one chick Raspberry, but I mean it’s nothing I can’t get over.”

And at that moment I realized why I was unable to have Raspberry. “I’m sorry Clementine but I can’t.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m in love with someone else,” I said bluntly.

“Excuses me,” she says?

“I’m sorry but, I can’t be here with you. I think we should call it a night.”

She got off the bed, stood up and looked at me. She then turned away and walked to the front door. “So that’s it… you’re going to leave me for someone who will hurt you huh?”

“No,” I said, “I’m leaving you because you don’t accept me. Clementine then walked away and we never spoke about our relationship again. Of course we still worked together, but we pretended that nothing ever happened between us. I have to give to her she was good at fronting her true feelings, just like me.

The nights passed in a blaze it seem like, it went by so fast that I didn’t notice that I had heard no word from Raspberry for about a week after I ended things with Clementine. And then…The phone rings, and it was her.

“Hello,” I say in a hesitant voice.

“Hey sexy, I heard you were free again.”

“Yea…So”

“So why don’t you come over so we can well…you know.”

“I want to Raspberry but, I just can’t.”

“Oh….um well ok then,” she says in a shocked voice.

“Not tonight I mean, but I can come over tomorrow, if that’s ok.”

“Sure candy, that’s fine.”

“I’ll see you then, I guess.”

“See you then, bye candy.”

“Bye”

That night, I had another dream about Raspberry well almost another one. I was swimming after her yet again but this time there was more guys out into the water. Just as before I was swimming after her but she was too far out. Like before my tears added to the water and I began to drown. But this time as I was drowning I felt someone grab my arm and I looked up. It was Clementine trying to pull me out of the water, and I almost let her save me, but then I saw something. I saw Raspberry drowning just like I was, accept she was alone deep down at the bottom. When I saw Raspberry I let go of Clementine and began to drown again. I sank to the bottom and I ran though the water to Raspberry. I couldn’t breathe but I could see her and she was at the bottom too. She was standing there holding herself in the deepest darkest part of the water, but I ran after anyway. I got to her….I finally got to her.

The next day I left work early. I had to get Raspberry’s apartment. I drove there as fast as I could. I arrived there before she did. I waited for about ten minutes before she came home. I saw her walking up to her apartment and I got out of my car to stop her. “Raspberry,” I shouted.

She turned around “Oh hey, you’re early”.

“Yea I know I just had to get here and see you.”

She smiles, “Oh well someone’s more eager than usual. Did you miss me candy.”

“More than you’ll ever know baby.”

“Oh well let’s get up stairs then.” I followed her to her apartment and watched her as she walked into the bathroom. “Just sit on the bed I’ll be out in a minuet.”

“Ok,” I said as I sat down.

I looked around her apartment and I saw those scented candles again. She walked out of the bathroom in her see through rob. She walked over and lit her candles. She started to walk towards me, and as she was just about to undo her rob. I said, “Wait.”

“Something wrong,” she said.

“No I just wanted to tell you that…. I took a big gulp, looked her straight in the eyes and said, “I Love you.”

She raised her eye brow and smiled. “Why, she said because I give it to you so good.”

“No, not because of that, because you accept me for whom I am.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You accept me, even though this cowardly guy who’s intimidated by your beauty, even though I was always too scared to even call you. I mean I never invited you over to my place, or even asked you on a date. I can’t even get you off, and yet you still invite me over, and I use to think it was because you just wanted sex, but now I know it’s because you want the connection we share.”

She walks the bed and sits next to me. “What do you mean what connection?

“We both are so afraid to be hurt, and afraid of hurting others, but we don’t want to be alone.”

“Oh,” she says while she shakes her head. “You make sense but it can’t be that simple to love me especially knowing what I been through.”

I put my head down and looked at my hands. “I had a dream about you…and well you were drowning. I tried to swim after you, to try and save you, but I just couldn’t make it. I ended up drowning myself and then I saw you drowning as well. I ran after you and caught up to you, and when I did, I held you. I guess what I’m really trying to say is, I accept you even though you been through a lot and maybe I can’t save you from drowning but, I won’t let you drown alone.” She looked at me like she never had before. Tears began to run from her eyes, and she scooted close to me. I wrapped my arms her and held on tight.

“But what if I hurt you?”

“I don’t’ know Raspberry, but what I do know is that as of right now in this moment I love you and I don’t ever want to let go.”

“Oh…Ok”

“And I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that this moment…this feeling last forever.” She looked up at me and smiled. We both lied down and I held her in my arms. Then she got up and blew out her candles. She came back to the bed and laid her head on my chest, and said “I love you too Watermelon.”

“So you wouldn’t let me drown alone, huh,” she says.

“Nope I sure wouldn’t.”

She smiled and said, “Would you try and pull me up if I was really drowning.”

“I would, but I can’t swim.” We both laughed and then she said “Don’t worry, I can swim, so I guess I’d be saving you.”