Depression

I never saw it coming.  It hit me like a brick wall.  Sound, solid stone that crashed into my inner being and pounded the very essence that I was into a bleeding pulp.  I knew it as nothing more than blackness. A blackness that frightened me more than anything else I had ever known, ever had.  I could not see it, I could not control it, and I could not stop it.  It came, it's inky darkness all encompassing and destructive in it's wake, engulfing me entire - impersonally and completely destroying what I am.

I had been riding a high wave, floating through the air as if nothing could touch me. I saw others crash and burn in the salty seawaters; their surfboards having broken under the stress and thrown them into the choppy waves. But mine held. Much longer than perhaps it should have, as I rode further and further towards shore.  I knew where I wanted to go and I was going to get there as soon as I possibly could.  And that was upon that wave.  If I could just keep my balance for just a little bit longer..

Crack - the first sign of trouble. A crack in the board - not a fatal one, but one that if not repaired could quickly turn worse. But the crack was not even noticed. The roar of the wind in my face, the churning sea below me, deafened my ears to the warning that signaled an end to my wild ride.

I could see the shore now - only a few more hundred feet. I leaned forward slightly, goading the wave to fly faster and faster to my goal. But I leaned a little too far. The board dipped forward into the raging saltwater. The newly added stress caused the fragile plank to bend and snap, the previous crack having been ripped open. I was thrown into the air, hurtling at tremendous speed towards the destination I had thought I wanted.

But that destination was still too far to be reached. An unseen obstacle - a large outlay of jagged rocks - loomed before me.  My course was inevitable. I'd ridden too long and pushed too far.  My body crashed into the rocks, as if I were a rag doll tossed to the side by a small child who had lost interest in me. However, I did not drown. My head did not split and my body did not break into pieces.  Instead, that simple blackness overwhelmed me and I disappeared into it.

My body was completely separate from my mind. I could not feel. I could not see.  I only knew the blackness that enveloped me so completely. I later learned that a couple of my friends had come to my rescue and saved my body. But my mind was completely unaware.

The total blackness lasted for an eternity. I knew not what was going on around me, only what my mind was suffering. The blackness shut out everything else, leaving me with only my inner self.  A picture show began to play within my head against that black sheet. The memories and thoughts that I had tried desperately to forget, those that I had never wanted to remember again played before my eyes. I could not close my eyes to the dreaded pictures, and I could not stop them.

Fear crept in. I knew not where I was, nor what was causing such trouble, and I wanted it to end. Several times I thought of ending it - killing my body in hopes of ending the torment of my mind.  I did not know how strong my thoughts were, their effect on my unconnected body, how close I came to following through.  I wanted it to end, and I lashed out at whatever was nearest. I was in a hole, one that only got deeper the harder I tried to get out.

Touch. The gentle touch of a loving hand against my skin.  Light penetrated the black web that encased me, and I could see hope. My footing was loose, and I had no idea if I would be able to pull myself out of the chasm I had fallen into.  But with that hand's help, I could get a little closer, and perhaps not fall so far the next time.