Mock Review

Hi, new friend!

This is a review from the Rockin' Reviewers' Group. A part of The Paper Doll Gang.

I am Candy, a newbie. I like reading works of others because I find it as an effective teaching tool in writing.

For this reason, please be reminded that what I have written are from my own perspective--from a novice writer--that others wouldn't see it in the same way.

The Hook, Character, and Story Line

I love stories about angels. Maybe our earthly life is naturally inclined to search something beyond it.

This topic is the main reason why your story fascinated me. You must be so excited in writing this story just as your character, Arok. The nervousness in receiving an important assignment which the envelop contained and the anxiety in resisting not to open the envelop until the ceremony ended have gained emotional response to me as a reader. It was as if I was listening to the story of a friend. I had a good laugh about Arok's fear on falling on the butt thinking that it would affect the qualification process.

The event when Arok was about to have the close sight of the dominions also captured me. Dominions must look so grand for Arok to feel like seeing an apparition. However, maybe if you have described more about it, I would be in a bliss with Arok but since it was not, I had only warped picture of them.


Suggestions

I listed some pointers in the hope of helping you to improve your writing. I would like to use the second and third paragraph for dissection.

I noticed that you tend to say more than what is needed which gives trouble for the reader to follow your line of thought. I have enclosed in parenthesis () those which I think would still read good even without it.
There's also problem on the use of punctuation like an em dash, comma and in this paragraph, apostrophe for possessive form of Noella. My correction is in red color.
There is also a problem in capitalizing the first letter of the first word in a sentence and the proper noun like Lady. I color coded it green.
There is also a phrase that would read better if included in the sentence. It's in tan.
I have made the revision (following 1-4) in red italic.

         My attention was divided_--in unequal parts-- _ between all that
         and that little envelope in lady Noella's hands. (There was
         nothing particular about it.) It had a slightly yellowish color,
         standard sized. Not too thick. It was just a normal envelope.
         And it held my entire future.

         (OK, maybe that was a stretch. But not by much.) in that
         envelope, was my first assignment. my performance there
         would determine my entire future.

My attention was divided--in unequal parts--between all the grandeur and the little envelop in Lady Noella's hands. An envelope that's slightly yellowish in color, in standard size and not too thick. It was just a normal envelope.

But it held my entire future.

In that envelope was my first assignment. How I accomplish it determines my entire future.

Hmmm..what about that?

Oh! Here are some links that might be of helpl.

1. http://grammar.yourdictionary.com/capitalization/10-rules-of-capitalization.html...
2. http://www.thepunctuationguide.com/em-dash.html
3. http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/mistakes.shtml
4. http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/words/phrases


Overall Impression

I enjoyed listening to Arok's unforgettable and important experience as member of the principality order. The excitement, the tension, the rapture state of Arok and the feeling of suspension in knowing what kind of assignment was assigned gave an interesting tone for the story. I guess, those emotions have enticed me all the way.

It is true that there were many things to edit in the story but it doesn't mean that its value was downgraded. You have the skill of a storyteller. You see, the outline of your story was written in order--only, it was not properly expressed. However, continuing on writing and researching on how to improve this skill would give a great deal of improvement. Thus, the beautiful story will not be obstructed by these limitations.

I can't wait to see how this story will improve.

I hope this review helped.

Keep on Writing!

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