stay

My reflection in the bathroom mirror is surreal, women to my left and right jostle to grab space beside me, and yet they don’t seem to touch me, I am an island, sheltered for just this moment, the pounding music muffled by the walls cocooning me. My head spins, I know I’ve had too much to drink. I focus hard at my reflection again, looking for some familiarity. Long dark hair now wild and gathered around my shoulders, my pale skin flushed, my makeup, which had been perfect earlier, now smudged and heavy around my hazel eyes. The dense air surrounds and comforts my cooling skin, I smile. One of those slow, deep, genuine bliss smiles that say to anyone, who cares to be paying attention, that I have a secret. I turn, pushing past the beautiful women who seem to have survived the night much better than myself. I lean into the heavy door and let the sound wash over me, welcoming me back into the dark safety of the club, free again to disappear into this night, free to be no one to no body.



But that wasn’t entirely true. Tomorrow I would be 5000 miles from here, tomorrow I will be home, tomorrow I will be back at work, tomorrow I will be responsible, I will be trustworthy, I will be respected. But tonight, I am still somebody to one person. Despite the crowd, he is the only one I see. Waiting at the bar, his lean body relaxed, confident, his arms open, messy dark hair pushed back from the strong features of his face and those steel eyes.. oh my.. he’s looking at me. I recognise his smile, it’s that deep bliss smile that says to anyone who happens to be paying attention, that he has a secret.



I had spent the week with this man, but it was in an entirely different setting to this. Thrown together for long hours, in a small conference room surrounded by spread sheets and cost analysis reports. My respect for him grew every day, he was driven, determined, confident and smart enough to back it all up.  The work wrapped up today and when it came time to say goodnight, I just couldn’t. I don’t normally come to places like this, but somehow it was the perfect escape, the hedonistic party atmosphere made it possible to suspend reality and ask myself “what if?”.



I looked at my watch and my stomach tightened. If I left right now, I would have just enough time to collect my luggage and get to the airport. Every logical thought told me to leave, grab my coat from the check, say goodnight, kiss him, maybe give him my number, but go, go now.



I watched as he came toward me now, fresh drinks in hand. I watched the smile ebb from his beautiful face and I tilted my head in question as I took the offered glass. “Do you need to go soon?” He asked. “No” I replied, “We have lots of time”.



“What if?” I thought.