Thank you

Thank you

You took me by surprise - all though your affection itself wasn't really, I had gotten used to it by then. You men are simple to read. Probably because you choose to be. One complicated gender is enough for a planet if you ask me, and me being like a man myself in many ways, I can agree that it at times is tempting. The surprise anyways was my affection towards you. That was the one thing I wasn't prepared for, still it happened. I always know what I'm doing, what I'm getting myself into. Even when it seems like I don't. Even when I don't. So darling, I want to apologize for my bad intensions, since now I know how much they can hurt. And even worse, in a way you might say I always did.

It would be easy to say that you were the one taking advantage of me, since you're the one that should know better. The secret is that we both do, but sometimes you have to forget what you know in order to learn something new. And I did. I learned a lot, and I learned it from you. I'm guessing you didn't, considering you already know everything. But again there is a difference between knowing and understanding. Not that you would understand, being all so knowledgeable.

You should know, that's the reason I love you. I like your green eyes and the way they sparkle. Your smile, and the way you always put you tongue out before you start laughing. Your stupid, messy afro that you always tell people you are going to cut, when we both know your goal is to get it as big as possible. But my heart belongs to all your knowledge, and the way you always manage to prove me wrong even when I'm not. As if you have the answer to everything, even the things you don't know.

I know we would never work, cause we're the same you and I. And I'm too proud, and you're too stubborn. If you had continued wanting me I would probably not have desired you anymore anyways. It's hard writing that feeling all I do right now, but I know it's true, and I'm like that and you're like that. And that my darling is how God keep people like us from being together. Geminis, twins, brother and sister.

In a way we could conclude that you won. Or in all ways we can conclude that you won. I guess taking it for granted that you were far behind made me believe that I was already the superior. I didn't realize there still was a long way to go, and that I would stubble and fall as hard as I did. At least I didn't think you would just run by. That was the most painful part. Lying there, seeing you passing my motionless body without caring to check if I was wounded or even blinded. Cause you no longer had the intension to let me win.

I know that you probably won't miss me. Why would you? I'm so lost and incomplete compared to you. Even though, I still find myself being missed by a lot of people. People who don't know better. People who hasn't even reached the point of awareness of being lost and incomplete and ignorant. And sadly those are the people I'm going back to. How will I ever grow surrounded by people with younger minds than I? Who will teach me how to be? Who will tell me that I suck, that I'm lazy, hopeless and that they are disappointed in me?

You were exactly what I needed in my life. Whose existence I was unaware of, or simply never considered wishing for. You were my push in the right direction. The only person who has really been pushing me all my life has been me. I have gotten too used to hearing people telling me I'm wonderful, funny and intelligent. So much that I started believing it. But you were different, and you made me realize that just because the people around you suck more than you do, it doesn't mean you don't. It just means that you are playing in the wrong level.

One day I hope to play in yours. I have tried, but I quickly realized I wasn't ready for that yet. I might never be. I know that most people won't, but then again most people won't even try, and rather just live comfortably and careless on the lower ones. The easy life of the clueless. Sometimes I wonder how you arrived at such a high level so fast. Who inspired you like you did to me? Or perhaps it just came natural, like a gift given from God. The God whom we concluded that we might have some faith in after all. But nothing is natural anymore, not even the air that we breathe.

I remember that one night. When you took me to the park in the middle of the night. It was freezing outside, and I was wearing that ugly coat your mum borrowed me. I remember sitting down on the bench while you fired up a cigarette. And then you started speaking. And I swear no one has ever spoken to me like that before. You kind of looked like Jesus while standing there in the shine of a streetlight with your burgundy collared hoodie on your head. That was the day I lost. The day I fell in love with you.

I do know that you and I would never work. Mostly because I feel inferior to you. I modestly admit that I rarely feel subordinate to anyone. But I hope to in the future. Find people who will ruin what is left of my cockiness and imagined wisdom once in for all. I can nearly purpose that you did it all by yourself, but still my pride is too big for such an outrageous confession.

In a way I hope you never loved me. And if you did do not tell me, cause that would just destroy all that we have become. Perhaps it would repair my sore pride, but I would no longer see you as the great, wise man that you are. Since I can never see a man who desires me as nothing else than a fool and an inferior.

Maybe that's why you stopped wanting me. The moment I started dazzling. The moment you saw a flic of desire in my eyes you got turned of. The chase was over. You just wanted the meat, why would ever have any desire to drag out the heart? Still you did. I'm still not sure if it was unconscious or not. And in the end it doesn't really matter. Cause my love for you will fade. I feel it fading already. Cause I'm like that, and you're like that. But all that you have taught me won't. So I'm happy it didn't work. I'm happy you broke my heart. I'm impressed that you managed to do it, and I'm felicitous that someone had the guts. Thank you. Thank you for opening my eyes and showing me that not everyone will love me unconscionably if not only for a little while. Temporary and beautifully.