Confused But OK

Is it a blessing dressed up as pain,
Or am I denying the loss I have obtained
Your beautiful, sexy, intelligent beyond smart
And yet, no longer does it cut through my heart.

Lonely and confusion are there in abundance
But why? And of What? just adds to the illusion
Are the feelings real and trustworthy?
Why am I not suicidal

Deflecting or delaying the pain is always a fear
If so then the darkness is near
While sad and emotional
I still see a way clear

Did I fall out of love without even noticing
If yes why did I stay?
Was it easier that way
No, I can't believe that was the play

Where you lit up my life
I now have a void
But each other time you left
I wanted to bleed

No longer I need to experience that pain
But it brings into question the depth of my loss
Are you the woman I thought you to be
Or have I changed so much that it is only I that I see

Am I being open, honest and true
Or am I lying to myself as well as to you
I love you, I don't, what is the truth?
My heart says to love you but my head is unsure