I Hate Pain

I do not mind letting everyone know that I hate pain. I have a very low threshold for it. One would think that as much pain as I have endured during my fifty-five years I would have grown somewhat immune or at least tolerant of pain. Truth is though, I haven’t. If anything I am less tolerant and a lot more sensitive to it.

I have endured numerous surgeries in my lifetime. From head, literally down to my toes. Brain surgery, back surgery, wrist surgery, thumb surgery, eye surgery, amputation, plus an innumerable amount of cuts, scrapes and bruises.

The physical abuse my body has endured has left lasting noticeable scars. These scars make for good conversation starts. Every human that has ever lived has some kind of scar. It’s life. Life has its risk. Life comes with trauma and drama. Busted lips and black eyes seem to be a part of growing up. Skinned shin bones, sprained ankles, getting the wind knocked out of your sails. That’s all a part of the pain process of living.

We climb, we fall. We run, we trip. We play with knifes we get cut. We hang around enough fire eventually you’ll get burned. I think I’ve made my point on the physical aspect of pain. It’s the other kind of pain that bothers me the most.  It’s that emotional pain. That pain that gets pushed back deep into the tiny little crevasses of our emotions.

I am not talking about getting your feelings hurt. Or simply that hurt that comes with a minor disappointment.  Not the pain of “It rained on my parade.” No, let me address the deepest kind of pain that most of us will ever endure.

I want to call it ‘people pain.’ It’s the pain that you and I inflict upon each other. We read the signs all the time that reads in big red letters, “Beware of Dog.” I think in some cases we ought to post signs around us that read, “Beware of people.”
         I’ve never been attacked by a dog, but I have been by people. It hurts. In all fairness I will confess there have been times that I should have had a collar and chain wrapped around my neck with a warning sign: “He bites.” I’ve bitten a few people in my day. I tore hunks of flesh off. Not there physical bodies but there emotions, their feelings. 

Why? It’s a thing called, self-justification or perhaps it was retaliation? You hurt me, I hurt you. You hurt me a little; I’m going to hurt you a little more. You throw a cutting word at me; I’m going to use a dagger on you. You sliced me with a remark; I’m going to take your heart out with an action.

That’s what we humans do. It’s happened since Cain and Able. Sad thing is this: Most of us wouldn’t treat a stranger on the street like we treat people we say we love. We won’t hesitate to pull a sword out and literally go for the jugular vein. 

Why do we do this? Why have I done this?  Because of Selfishness, misunderstandings, greed, jealousy, strife, bitterness, conceit? Really doesn’t matter why, or how just we feel in our actions. Our intent was to hurt.

I hate pain. I hate the pain I have caused by my actions and reactions. I hate the fact that I have at times severely wounded people that I love. Some to the point that it has left a scar that will be tender for the rest of their lives, and mine. My actions hurt them, but now my actions will haunt me.  Thus no one wins in the emotional war of pain.

I’ve gained nothing by hurting anyone. I don’t stand taller by it. I don’t stand prouder for it. I certainly haven’t garnered any respect for slashing out with words, or with some type of physical or mental retaliation. In most cases I have come out of those situations with more regrets, looking and feeling like an idiot, or a sadist.

For those of you that I have hurt with words or actions, yesterday or last month or year or even way back in our childhood days. I want to say from the bottom of my heart, “I apologize”.  I am sorry that we had that misunderstanding. I apologize that we had that infringement placed upon our relationship due to my actions or the lack thereof.  I apologize for the cutting, harsh, hurtful words that wounded you. I am ashamed, and I request forgiveness.

God being my sovereign judge, I stand before Him guilty in many counts. Without His mercy, I am doomed to an eternity of regrets and damnation. Eternity is too long for me to carry the guilt of pain I’ve caused to some that I pray will read this. To God I first confess and ask for forgiveness. Then if so, you find yourself taking the time to read this, and I have ever caused you emotional duress I ask for your mercy and forgiveness as well.

I too have been emotionally wounded. The pain of a broken heart never heals. Emotional wounds run deep into the abyss of my emotions. I have invited death to come on several occasions. I have begged God to let me die. Obviously He didn’t let me die; therefore I must be setting at my desk typing this blog about pain because He has something’s I need to finish.

I don’t know the questions about my life; much less have the answers as to why things turned the way they have. Why do people make the choices they do that will adversely affect others?  Why has this road been so difficult? Please do not read this as though I am sitting here having a pity party, and throwing ashes in the air and wanting the world to feel sorry for Rick Musick. Absolutely not, God has been good to me, and He has brought me a very long ways from the edge of self-destruction.

The subject matter is not me; it’s the subject of pain. I hate pain! I refuse to live in the pain of my past. I do not expect anybody, nor do I invite anybody to evaluate my life and try to pin-point my character flaws and instruct me on all the ways I went wrong. Pretty sure I have heard it from some people that had some good intentions who let me know exactly why this and why that and how come this and how come that. Besides my conscience screams loud enough at times it echoes like I’m in the Grand Canyon.

So what’s the point? Where am I going with this? The point is this. Every one of us has a choice. We can continue living in pain, or we can forgive and ask for forgiveness. We can be bitter against the perpetrators of our pain, or we can ask the Lord to bless and forgive them. We can carry the load of grievances, or we can lay them at the foot of the cross. We can live in yesterday’s despair or we can live in today’s grace.  We can love and hug and embrace the good people that God has placed in our lives or we can dwell on what is not. I choose the latter.

The fact is this: pain has been and pain will be,
But, pain alone cannot dictate our victory.
I took the pain I’ve caused and asked the Lord for mercy,
For the pain received I thank Him for His grace.


Is it impossible to forgive under such duress? Can we forgive under such emotional trauma? Ask Jesus. In no way would I compare myself to Christ hanging on the cross. Compare our pain to His, Our physical or emotional wounds to His, Our agony against His? That’s like comparing a splinter to His wooden spikes. Yet, Jesus was able to pray past the pain: “Father forgive them, for they no not what they do.”

Isn’t that the case some times? When we inflicted pain or have been the recipient of pain. We or they didn’t realize what lasting effects our words or actions were going to have. Maybe we did intend to hurt, but didn’t know it would hurt that bad. Perhaps they didn’t intend for the stone to cut that deep, but they threw it harder than intended, and what was meant to just leave a bruise, gushed blood.

I hate pain. So I pray, “Lord help me be careful not to hurt with words or actions, and if I do, help me to be quick to humble myself and resolve the matter, because I need your mercy and there mercy too. Help me Lord to be quick to be merciful, and forgiving to those who may trespass against me. 

Thank you,
In Jesus name.


Rick J. Musick
2-22-2014 1:57 p.m.