Probably Wouldn't be This Way

Disclaimer: The truth is I don't own Inuyasha and Co. nor do I make money for this. Sadly, it all belongs to Rumiko Takahashi. :(

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A cool wind blew the ragged trees, and the fallen leaves, cracked underneath her boots as she made her way towards the large gray stone. Her hands tightened around the stems of the flowers. Time seemed to slow with each step she took toward the massive rock. Her eyes glossed over with a thin veil of unsheathed tears, and her chest tightened with the all too familiar ache. God, she missed him. The pain in her heart increased, causing her to rub the spot over her breast as if it would ease the ache. It didn't, it never did. Nothing stopped the pain, not the wine, the pills or time. Funny how they say time heals all. It doesn't, it was just another lie to try and comfort the grieving.

A twig snapped underfoot as she stopped in front of the object of her discomfort and dropped to her knees. Her long raven mane shielded her face from the outside world as she cleared the stone of its debris and placed the flowers in the container before sitting back against her legs. Her bottom lip trembled, and her vision blurred even more as her blue eyes read the inscription on the granite rock. Sesshoumaru, it said. It was like a fluorescent sign, flashing consistently, drawing in anyone who sees it. She closed her eyes to block out the sight of his name. Christ, it hurt to read his given name. It hurt even more to say it out loud, something she didn't do very often.

She tilted her face upwards and let the cool breeze caress her flushed cheeks. The same question surfaced as it did every time she came to visit. “Why?” She said aloud, not caring if anyone heard her. Who cares if they did? All they would think was that she was crazy. Hell, maybe she was. The sounds of nature flooded her hearing, instead of the baritone voice she so wished to hear.

Tears escaped her tightly closed lids, running slowly down her heart-shaped face as another sob slipped past her lips, “I...I miss you...” She choked on the words, her face still tilted up not looking at the stone as she cleared her throat and continued on. “It's been five years, and I still miss you terribly. My Mama said....” She paused as the wind gently caressed her cheek as if it were a lover soothing its partner. Her throat thickened, causing her to swallow deeply before continuing on, “Mama said it would get better but I...I don't think it will.” The dying grass scratched her exposed skin, but the mourning woman felt none of this. “Something's missing from me now, like a piece of me is gone. I feel hollow, and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to fix it.” Her head turned toward the stone, and she opened her sad eyes. Her heart was now screaming in anguish, and it was beginning to overwhelm her.”What am I to do when it's you that's missing from me? How am I to go on without you?” Her throat tightened, like a noose from the hangman's gallows. “I need you. I need you more than I need air to breathe, more than life itself. I need....Oh god...I...”

Her grief washed over her like a tsunami slamming against the unsuspecting coast. She slipped under the waves and drifted slowly down toward the bottom. Her pain oozed out of her wounded heart. God It hurt, it hurt so much. Why couldn't anyone understand that the pain was too great to overcome, that it was impossible to move on nor did it ever get better with time? They all told her that it would, 'just give it time' they all said, but it never did, in fact, it seemed to get worse the more the days dragged on.

Her head buried in her small hands, and her tiny frame shook violently from the emotional assault. Christ, she was cracking at the seams. How much longer could she deal with this pain? How much longer before she lost her mind and did something that would end the hurting? She knew she was close to committing a terrible act that would insure her the peace she wished for and oh how she wished for it. Hell, anything would be better than what she was feeling at this moment. Her emotions swirled like a kaleidoscope changing to a new angle.

Dammit! Her hands ripped from her face, then slammed against the scratchy earth. How could he leave her like this? How could he be so cruel to think that she could survive his loss? How could he leave her in this empty shell of who she used to be?

Buried anger bubbled to the surface, causing her temper to snap, “You weren't supposed to leave me! We were supposed to grow old together and be happy. Shit! It wasn't supposed to be like this. You promised me you wouldn't leave!” Her nails dug into the hardened earth as her crying increased. “You promised.” Her arms trembled, then gave under her weight, causing the rest of her body to fall to the cool ground. She slowly shifted onto her side, pulling her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms tightly around her legs. Her swollen face buried into her knees as her body rocked with the slightest movement. The words she uttered were now muffled, “How could you...” Her sobs increased “leave me?” The sounds of the outside world slowly began to fade as her adrenaline receded and exhaustion finally set in. Her sad eyes drifted closed, and everything went silent.

The breeze mingled her unbound hair with the crinkled leaves on the cold ground, and a few strains tickled her serene face. Her hand came up and pushed away the nuisance as her eyelids twitched then slowly opened. Where was she? She blinked several times and focused on the twinkling stars above her. Oh...She knew where she was. The sound of nocturnal animals skittering across the graveyard assaulted her ears as her blue eyes closed once again and her red lips parted, releasing a heavy sigh. She should have known better than to come, but she was a moth being drawn to a flame. He was her beacon on a dark and stormy night and she needed him. Even when the loss of him was the greatest here, she needed to be close to him, even if he was six feet under. 'Gone' it echoed within her sad mind and the dull ache pulsed slightly. The raven-haired woman shook her head, shaking away the thought and the hurt. She needed to get out of here. Her eyes snapped open and she pushed herself up on her elbows, her head tilted away from the forbidding monument. She couldn't look at it, if she did, it would start all over again, then she would be in this godforsaken place all night. Pushing herself to her feet, she made sure her back was facing his resting place as she brushed the leaves and twigs from her body. She took in a deep breath of crisp air, then began walking back through the sea of dead, forcing herself not to look back as she made her way to where her car was parked.

The birds chirped in the sparse trees as she slowly made her way down the path. She pushed open the cemetery gate and fished the keys out of her pocket, pressing the unlock button as soon as she came closer to her car. She opened her door and slid into the driver's seat, placing the keys into the ignition and sitting back in her seat.

Her blue eyes were drawn back to the cemetery, and she felt the pain bubbling just underneath the surface, which caused her face to snap away and go straight to her center console. Her hand shook as she opened it and pulled out a large prescription bottle. Forcing the top off, she sprinkled a few white pills in her palm and tossed them into her mouth, before grabbing a water bottle to wash them down. Christ, She didn't care how many she took as long as they finally did something to dull the ache. Her eyes drifted back to the source of her pain and she felt her grief in her heart spring to life. Why weren't they working? Why weren't they stopping this crushing pain? She needed this to stop. Oh for the love of the gods, she just wanted some peace, some fucking solitude in her damned life. She reached for the bottle again, and spilled more pills into her hand. She brought them to her mouth, tossed them in and washed them down with the rest of her water. Didn't the Gods understand that she needed them to stop the ache?

Her head rested against the steering wheel as she waited for the medicine to take effect. Several minutes passed and soon she could no longer feel the pain. Hell, she couldn't feel anything at the moment. Her head felt all fuzzy as if it was filled with cotton and her body was quite heavy. She shook her head to try to lift the drug-induced fog, but it remained. Her weighted hand raised and reached for the ignition, fumbling slightly as she turn the switch, causing the car to roar to life. The fuzzy headed woman shook her head again to try and clear her thoughts as she put the car into gear. Her small torso sluggishly twisted and her thin arm flung listlessly over the seat, so she could back out of her parking space. She shook her head once again to chase away the haze before moving her heavy foot to the gas pedal and quickly pressing down on it, causing the car to lurch forward instead of backwards. This caught her drug-induced mind off guard as her small car hurled in the opposite direction and straight for the old cemetery wall.

Her body flew over the dashboard and slammed roughly into the windshield as the car smashed into the well-worn stone. Glass sprayed into the night as her tattered form landed harshly on the scratchy cemetery grounds. Blood trickled down from her wounds, leaving little pools on the deadened earth. A gurgling sound passed her damaged lips, as she tried to take in air, blood filling her lungs with each strangled attempt. Using the last ounce of strength, she struggled slowly to move her face in the desired direction. Dull blue eyes tried to focus on the large monument protruding from the cold ground as her last and final thought flooded her mind and her broken body ultimately succumbed to its injuries. 'Sesshoumaru....'