Raw Prologue About Self Harm & Cutting

There I sat in a tub of my own blood, numb. My adrenaline high had already worn off but I still couldn’t feel the physical pain yet of the new cuts that I had just put on my body. The blood was beginning to drain slower but I could still feel the warmth of it as it still trickled down my arms. That feeling, that very feeling of the warm blood moving down my body would give me the most intense sensational yet crippling experience/high. This time it was a little different from all the others though. I was more hurt and angry this time. I lost just a bit more of my control. I pushed that blade down in the same spot over and over and over again. I cut myself so bad, that little flaps of shredded skin were hanging on my shoulders.

So many people, too many actually don’t understand this. I’ve heard that we self harm to gain attention and get pity, because of insanity, because we have a death wish and want to die or because we purposely want to hurt certain people in our lives. I’ve never been given a reason that has even come close to why I cut myself and that’s why I am writing this. No amount of college or Degrees will give you the knowledge to understand this disease.

There are so many young kids and adults out there that are living an identical life to mine, ten years ago. My heart hurts for these people and the families that don't understand it. I don't want anyone going through this alone like I did. I want you all to know that I was there. I felt all alone and even embarrassed. I was ashamed that I would constantly lose control of my mind and hurt myself the way I did. For five years I lived someone else's life, a life run by personal demons that I couldn't control. I want to show you all going through this that there is a light at the end of your tunnel and I want to help you get to it!