Perpetual (Second Draft)

Perpetual

"Nothing rests; everything moves; everything vibrates."-The Kybalion.

I have existed for too long. I watch them grow from their father's seed, blossom into the sweet flowers of flesh, possibly seed once more before they wither and return to the earth from whence they came. Friends, lovers, foes, acquaintances, even strangers all gone, I am alone. Everyday I see the cycle continue, their faces becoming more and more alien to me. They are not blood of my blood. I am not of theirs.
What am I?
I smoke, I drink, I take copious amounts of drugs, I play deathly games in the rain, I do all that harms them, to no avail. What a bitter shell of a creature I now stand. Dehumanized, why would humanity even need such a word? Yet here I am, Adam, primordial, eternal.
If I was a better individual, I would use my limitless time wisely, I would find a cure for cancer, aids, hell everything. If I were a better man I would find a cure for war, for death itself and create beings more akin to myself. Though I am not a better individual, I am not a man. I inhabit a vessel that shares many of the main attributes of a man, I have eyes, finger, toes, and genitalia but doesn't a man grow old? How I have longed for wrinkled flesh, Grey hairs or any other signs of age. How I have longed to procreate? How I still long to die, should I not have the right to die, if I so choose?
The malignance of humankind is all I wished to have and be in my early years, now all I envy is the dead. To decompose, return to nature or perhaps finally become a part of nature. I have tasted every vice and have grown tired of them all.
I may try living under the ocean; I have not tried that yet. I only hope the pressure of the deep could end my existence once and for all.
Why am I this way? Was I chosen for this? What cruel fate is this that I am not given the luxury of virtue? What is the divine reason for my intolerable existence?
My parents were of normal human stock or so I was led to believe, so why me?
Every being that I have shared my story with have either reacted violently or treated me as a pariah, a freak. Perhaps that is exactly what I am, a sideshow attraction for gawking pundits to laugh at. My god, I hope not but strange beings are born every day, surely another must be the same as I.
Perhaps I should place an ad in the paper. I can see it now "7,000 year old being seeking mate, preferably immortal and female although not a necessity, to talk with for the next few millennia." How the readers would laugh, who wouldn't think such an ad a joke?
Am I destined to walk alone until the world ends? What then?
Is my extinction to come with the world's or am I to be thrust into the horrendous never-ending vastness of space until that ends too?
Will my apocalypse ever come?
Infinite questions and Infinite Time, I used to believe this to be a superpower although now I think it a curse.
If there is one lesson I can impart to you dear reader it is to eradicate beliefs and embrace ideas. The wondrous nature of ideas is that you can change them on a whim, but a belief is an integral part of someone. It is a mutation, a spectral limb that can become infected, should the infection of new beliefs that contradict the old appear, one has to amputate the limb before the infection spreads and graft a new one that reflects the structure of said new belief.
What most people find the hard way is that their minds are senseless butchers, if they lose much more than that one belief, they almost lose themselves!
Perhaps that is what I will do, lose myself once more.
To be no longer Adam, just Am, a wandering consciousness forever drifting throughout the annuals of the future. I shall voyage forth against the grain of humanity. No more will I pretend. I shall abandon all thought of fitting in.
After countless millennia of torment and anguish I have finally come to the realisation that I am what I am and that is all I will ever be. Perhaps now I can be happy.