The Parenthood Questionnaire - an Online Quiz

1. The baby's crying...:

It's the wee hours of the morning. You hear crying from the crib- the type of blood curdling screams that babies are so good at. Without fear of being judged for your imaginary actions, what would you do?

	Pretend to be asleep and "accidentally" kick your partner to wake them up.
	Glare at your partner because you know THEY are faking being asleep and then firmly shut your eyes and fake snore.
	What kind of monster would ignore their child? You were already up anticipating the baby's cry and now you lovingly care for your progeny.
	What crib? The baby sleeps with you and is already helping herself to her mother's milk.
	Like a vulture you were already watching your baby sleep (which is not at all creepy) and swoop down the second the baby started to stir
	You may stumble a little bit on the way to the crib- kind of like a drunken sailor- but you care for your baby and even manage not to drop the baby even if you do fall back asleep
	You have trained the family dog to bring the baby a bottle just for situations like this one.

2. Fill in the blank...:

Your child comes up to you with a bright smile on their face and offers you a spider. A big, hairy, disgusting spider that looks like it could eat you. You look at your child and say:___________

	"Put that down! It's dangerous!"
	"Oh honey, that looks like tarantula. It's amazing you found one in the wild. Lets put it in a shoe box. Careful of any hairs that might shoot out at you."
	"Give me the spider and then call 911. Mommy's having a heart attack. I love you, sweetie..."
	(nothing because you fainted)
	"Oh that's so cool! Lets find your sister and put it down her shirt!"

3. Sometimes kids make you so mad!:

Your kid was warned. They were warned again. Now it's time to discipline. How do you do it?

	The good old belt. As long as it doesn't leave a mark it's fine.
	Time out, followed by an apology and hugs. Works every time.
	I make my kid stand with his hands on his head while kneeling- I saw it on cops and it works for them...
	Nothing, your kid is a delight and the joy of everybody's life. Even when she's screaming she's my princess.
	The family dog handles the discipline.

4. Mommy Daddy time...:

Stress levels are a little high, you find yourself speaking fluent baby talk to your partner, and last night you burst into tears because the spaghetti was too lumpy. You decide to take a break from parenting and just be two people in love- what do you do?

	Your baby doesn't stress you out, your partner does. You kick your partner out of the house and enjoy some quality baby time.
	You leave your baby with a trusted friend and go out for a nice dinner. Wait just a sec, you are just going to call once to make sure everything is okay...
	You party it up like you were teenagers. Your memories of the night are a little hazy but from the hangover you are experiencing- you suspect it was fun.
	It was a typical date. Small cruise to Mexico, vaca in California, dinner and a movie. The grandparents are displeased, but they will understand that it's an honor to watch their grand baby.
	The baby wouldn't let you leave. You spent the night sulking and crying about the spaghetti again.
	You spent the night having dinner and a movie. It was wonderful. Now it's time to pick up your darling baby and go home.

5. The baby's crying...:

You are in the store. It's been a long day. What started as a cute toddler asking in the sweetest voice for a cookie, has degenerated to screaming, stomping and kicking strangers. What do you do?

	Cheer your toddler on! They are going to be a pro wrestler one day. Body slam that lady!
	In a firm neutral voice you tell your toddler that screaming doesn't get them a cookie. Then, you pick the toddler up and walk out of the store.
	Oh dear, what can you do? You go off to corner and cry while your toddler threatens everyone in the store.
	You grab your toddler and hug it out. Safe in the loving prison of your arms, you let your toddler cry it all out and then you go about your day.
	Somewhere in the background you hear the song "murder train" by the foreskins, while you join your toddler in the tantrum. There is much destruction. You are quite proud.
	You never made it to the store, you are drinking wine on the couch while the nanny dog licks your toddler.

6. Teenage drivers...:

Your teen just turned 16. What do you do?

	Your teen is enrolled in a driving class and the professionals will handle teaching him. After he's proven himself you will buy him a car.
	You bought a shiny new car for your teen as soon as they turned 16.
	You are teaching your teen how to drive and after they get their licence you will give your old car to them.
	You taught your teen how to hot wire your neighbor's car. Watch out world! Your teen is officially a driver.
	Not much to do. You let your kid do their own thing.

7. The baby's crying...:

Your beautiful baby has fallen and now has a goose egg on the forehead (don't worry, they are just fine). How did the injury happen?

	The baby fell out of the crib trying to climb over it.
	The baby wasn't strapped in the equipment clearly marked: strap the baby in securely to avoid risk of injury (but that's okay because you were a new mother, right?)
	The baby has never been around corners, heights, or far away from your arms- so this injury would never happen.
	Your baby is already quite the runner but not that graceful. The accident involved a spoon, a teddy bear, and a globe- enough said.
	Who knows? The nanny dog obviously wasn't paying enough attention to the baby! No bone for the doggy!
	The baby was involved a minor baby racing incident. The obstacle course had a sharper corner that was expected.

8. Mommy Daddy time...:

Cue the romantic music....the baby is asleep (Finally!) What are you doing?

	The bedroom door is firmly shut and locked. Music is playing and the bed is rocking.
	The baby is sleeping with one foot in your ribs (just like old times) and one fist in your partner's eye...you are both staring at the ceiling afraid to waken the monster ehem baby.
	You are passed out, enjoying the deep sleep of an over tired parent.
	This is your favorite time of day. The kid's asleep and now the video games come out! "Die Ogres! Die!"
	Your baby has quickly developed into a nocturnal howler monkey. They are swinging from the ceiling as you chug coffee to keep awake.
	What's mommy, daddy time?

9. fill in the blank....:

Your child comes home from school with a black eye. After grabbing an ice pack for them you say: "_____"

	I told you to rule the school yard with an iron fist! Go back and get revenge!
	Honey, no means no. Stop trying to kiss that girl!
	Did you try running away? Running away fixes most problems!
	Go watch TV, I had a hard day and don't want to bothered.
	I'm calling the teachers. We'll get this fixed.
	Who did this to you? I'll go make them regret touching my little baby!"
	Today you are a man. Let's go have a beer.

10. Career Day:

It's career day at school. Your child came home excited about all the job opportunities out there. Which career do you tell them to seek?

	Jobs are for the weak minded! You teach your child how to live off the land and ship them off to Alaska to learn about big game hunting.
	You tell your child to go to college and find themselves. Whichever career path they take from there you will support.
	Your baby isn't getting a job, or growing up, and they definitely aren't moving out of the house!
	You tell your child that they can get whatever job they want, as long as they move out of the house by the age of 18.