"you know who"

I lived in Ohio for a little while, my father got a new job and now I live in a small city in Georgia, well more on the outskirts in this tiny town, Columbus, Georgia. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of two years, Tatum; I haven’t really done anything after that because I feel absolutely horrible. He was a wreck too, still is. There’s this other person I’ve been in love with for little over a year now and I know I’ll get hell if I do go after what I want. My town is very religious and believes that same sex couples are wrong and don’t deserve what a “straight” person deserves. Even my parents would disown me if they found out about my feelings toward Avalon. But the way she talks to me, and looks at me, like I’m a person and not a toy; like Tatum did. I’m just tired of having to hide the feelings we share. I found a note in my locker at school last year that said;
“The way your long black hair waves in the wind, and how your blue eyes glisten in the moon light as we walk by the lake, make me like you even more.
~you know who”
I don’t understand what she actually wants with me or if she’s confused, but I’d be damned if I let her just get away without at least a failed attempt with beautiful Avalon. Her bouncy blonde curls frame her face with such perfection, those seductive emerald green eyes can stare a hole through anyone’s heart.
Happily waking up for school to see her, is that love, or not? Ava’s peppy personality compliments my quite, mystifying behavior better than anyone would ever think. We’ve been best friends for almost three years, but she got distant when I started dating Tatum, the captain of the high school hockey team. I was absolutely enthralled with his good looks. His dark brown hair always done and on point, his hazel eyes always had that bewildering look in them. But I never understood why when we broke up she came around me more and now we’re inseparable. Although that little cheerleader excitement can get annoying, I wouldn’t change it for the world, and I’m falling more and more every time she smiles. She smiles a lot! I think it would be a good time to tell her my feelings, but I can’t seem the stress it enough; what if she leaves? Then my phone rings, and it’s her.
“Hey, hey,” I answer.
“Hey girly, how’re you?” with her southern accent prominent.
“Uh, okay I guess. Thinking a lot, you?” I replied.
“Just got home from practice, can I come over in a little bit?” Avalon asked.
I answered with, “Of course! See you in a little bit.”
“Okay, bye.”
“Bye”
I’m trembling now because I know, she’ll be able to tell something’s wrong, and I’m not ready to admit I’m in love with her. I don’t have enough time to prepare myself for this conversation, but it needs done, and it will get ended. But what do I say? How do I bring the subject up?
I hear a knock then a thumping up the stairs.
“I’m here Ame!” she called out. I guess my parents let her in.
“In my room,” I yelled back.
She entered my room, looking amazing in her little white shorts against her tan legs, and floral shirt, blonde hair tied up in a ponytail.
“Hey cutie,” she smiled.
I smiled because of what she said, “Hi.”
“What’s wrong? And don’t you dare lie to me either,” she said with a stern look.
“Oh, it’s nothing dear, I’m just thinking about something, that’s all.” I replied with.
“Amethyst,” she said with a strict voice, “what’s wrong, I know something up and I hate when you don’t tell me things, please?”
I was silent in the room for a bit, and then I sighed, “I love you.”
“I love you too; now tell me what’s wrong?”
I sprung up, “No, I love you; I’m in love with you. I broke up with Tatum because I wanted you. I’ve loved you for a while and I know how our town is so I thought pushing it down would be the best thing to do. I completely understand you not talking to me after this but at least you know how I feel; I can’t keep tearing myself up by not telling you..” before I could finish, Ava cut me off with tears in her eyes.
She had a puzzled look for a minute or two, and said, “You guys just broke up you couldn’t be in love with me?”
I sit with my head down shaking like a crack head and said, “A year” now looking up, “I’ve loved you for a year Avalon, everything about you makes me love you more too. When you walked in my room today, I was taken back and my heart was in my throat, you’re beautiful and you make me feel important, I just can’t get enough of you.”
It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop, she just looked at me with a flabbergasted face and one tear rolled down her pinkish tan cheeks and whispered “Amethyst Rose! What in the world were you thinking? Hiding this from me, I like you a lot too. No, I love you; I loved you since the first time I laid my eyes.”
I cut her off, “Your gorgeous eyes.”
She giggles in the cutest way, “No, but really Ame, ever since you were the ‘new girl’ at school I couldn’t seem to get that shy, laid back, smile out of my mind. What? Three years now.”
This is not how I expected it to go. I thought she’d get mad and never talk to me again. I was wrong.
Walking over to my bed, she sat down, “I see that this was hard for you to say, but I’m glad you said it, and I’m glad you trust me enough to tell me first hand. I want this to be something more but I don’t want to rush anything, it’s all up to you dear.”
Thinking for minute, I grabbed her hand and told her to come with me, with a silly laugh she said, “Where are you taking me?”
“Don’t worry about it,” I replied, laughing along with her.
She sighed with anger, “You’re crazy, Amethyst!”
We go downstairs and find my parents, and I said, “Guys this is Avalon Grace.”
Confused, my parents answer, “We know hunny? You’ve guys have been best friends for years? Why are you-”
“My girlfriend” I said proudly, cutting them off mid-sentence.
Ava lost her mind and was screaming and crying with joy. I just hugged her smiling and thought to myself, “I love you.” My parents on the other hand were yelling, screaming and saying ungodly things, reciting a part at of the bible in our direction, telling us we’re going to hell, but I didn’t care. I have the love of my life in my arms. We went everywhere together, even went to school holding hands, hugging and kissing, not giving a damn who gawked at us. We were the talk of the town, nobody agreed with it but they usually kept their comments to themselves, except for the old timers. But everyone expected it to end soon, four months later we are still happily together; that’s when the bullying and tormenting began. It only happened to me though, I don’t understand; I wasn’t the only one in the relationship. Thank God, it’s only me though; I’d rather get emotionally and mentally abused than her. I completely understand being surprised, but the names I was being called were ungodly, and uncalled for. For a year I’ve been dealing with it, sweeping it under the rug, and trying to focus on my amazing girlfriend.
Sitting on my bedroom floor Avalon asked, “The bullying still going on, babe?”
“Yeah, but its whatever, they’re just jealous that I’m happy with you and they don’t have anyone to be happy with,” I said back.
Giggling she said, “True, I love you.”
Smirking, I told her I loved her too.
But in all reality, I was suicidal and depressed. I’ve contacted my old drug dealers in Ohio, to set me up with someone down in Georgia. I’ve been smoking pot for at least six months and shooting up heroin for the last four months. I also found a new easier way of getting through this pain, cutting. I started cutting, one cut at first, then two, and it progressed. I’m getting out of control; I’m cutting every night, and popping pills to ease my thoughts. This has been going on for way to long. I have to tell her. I was about to come straight out and say it, confessing everything, and then her phone rang. She had to go home. So I just put it off until I had a chance to really talk to her. Sickeningly enough, as soon as she left I grabbed my razor and jumped in the shower to do my main priority at that point. Cut, and cut, and cut some more, until I walk with a limp and a smile on my face. But when I was in the middle of slicing my skin, my phone buzzed, it was my dealers’ girlfriend, Amanda, she asked me to go this party she was having for her twenty-first birthday, I texted her back after I got out of the shower and cleaned up my leg.
“Of course! See ya in a little while.” I replied back.
Putting my clothes on, Ava texted me asking if I wanted to hang out the next day, and I said yes, obviously. So, I guess I won’t drink and get high at this party, and I told them I didn’t want to do anything, but that obviously didn’t work because later that night I went to the party and started drinking as much as I did when I lived in Ohio. Avalon is blowing up my phone, and I know this but I’m purposely ignoring her calls and texts, at this point I just stopped caring what was going on in the world. I don’t remember much about that night, but I woke up at my house; my pants were covered in blood, and my hands were cut to pieces. I took a shower just thinking I did something stupid the night before, but I noticed deep cuts up and down my legs. Along with the cuts and stinging pain, I think to myself, “Avalon. Avalon. Avalon.” What did I do to myself; she’s going to be so crestfallen. She called me while I was in the shower, but I picked up expecting to get yelled at, but instead she was excited. Thrilled to finally hear from me, but I didn’t sound so enthralled, and she was extremely worried. I told her to just come over because I can’t hide this from her, but while I was waiting on her I got an email from someone I thought I really knew,
“Amethyst,
You know how you’re getting bullied? I thought I should tell you, it’s because of me; you leave me and get together with my sister? You’re a fag and nothing more; you’re a disgrace to your family and this community! You’ve changed Ava and I don’t appreciate the fact that you made my little sister into a queer. A waste of space like yourself shouldn’t still be living. You’re a wanna be scene girl with your gauges and stoner life style. I know you’re addicted to heroin, and soon so will Avalon. You’re a coward and don’t deserve a beautiful, amazing girl like her. You’re a failure and everyone knows that. Do you even think that being homosexual is okay? It’s not, you’re sinning and I hope you go to hell before anyone of us go to heaven.
-Tatum”
All I thought to myself was little sister. Avalon is Tatum’s little sister. I immediately grabbed my sharpest razors after what I had just read and sat on my floor, cut up my arms, downs my legs, and across my ribs. I heard a knock at my door, my parents are not home so I cleaned up the blood really fast, hid my razors, and slipped into black clothes and waddled to the door. Ava just walked in before I got to the door and she tried hugging me but I said, “No” and told her to sit down. She’s perplexed. I start to wiggle out of my clothes and she tells me to stop because she doesn’t want that, but I told her just to be quiet. I slip out of my pants and her jaw drops; I unzip my jacket and take that off. She’s crestfallen, crying and asking me why.
“I’m sorry Ava,” I whispered.
“Babe, why did you do this to yourself, why didn’t you talk to me?” she cried.
I’m not telling her about the email, so I lie, “The bullying got so bad. I couldn’t handle it, and you wouldn’t have understood.”
Avalon and I go upstairs, she wants to clean my wounds and get me into some fresh clothes.
“Give me your razors,” She demanded.
I willingly just handed them over to her; all twenty-seven of them. She had a stunned look on her face because of the amount of shinny silver was in her hand. She flushed them down the toilet, now gone forever. Ava sat me down, looked at my wall, and told me to explain why were the words “I draw too” up there, so I said;
“I knew a boy who liked to draw; he drew pictures that nobody saw. He was most artistic late at night, in that bathroom out of sight. He kept a secret no one knew, he didn’t tell a soul and his gallery grew. His drawings were different, no paper or pen but needed a bandage now and again. We stood by the river under the stars; he rolled up his sleeves and showed me his scars. He felt embarrassed and looked down at his shoe. Then I rolled up my sleeves and whispered, “I draw too.”
I finished and looked up, I will never forget the look she had in her eyes. We kissed and I apologized again. We laid in my bed for hours, way after dark, and when Avalon left, that was the first time in a year that I smiled and actually liked it. Everything couldn’t of been better, until I saw the most grisly sight, when I arrived at school; everyone was standing out front with Avalon held back hold signs that read “FAG,” “DEVIL BABY,” and “DISCRACE.” I started crying and tried to get Ava away from them but they just picked me up and threw me away like the piece of trash I am. I got back in my car and sped home. I opened the door and ran upstairs grabbed a bottle of pills and a rope, and headed out back. I had no intentions of still being alive after a half hour. I popped some pills then made a noose, hung it and scurried up the tree. I began to cry and put it over my head and dangled from the limb. Swaying in the wind, I heard a faint yelling growing closer and closer, I heard the horror in their voice. But who was it? Avalon. As she saw me from the tree and came running over and took the pocket knife from my pocket and cut the rope, I had a pulse, a weak, murmured pulse. The pills had yet to kick in to their full extent, but sure enough when they do, I’ll be gone for good. But as Avalon begged for me to stay with her in that majestic voice, she just kept repeating,
“Come on, stay with me, I called for help. Please stay with me, Amethyst,” she repeated over and over.
“Come on!”
“Please baby, please.”
At the point I knew, I had to hang in there for her, for my baby girl. I remember waking up in the emergency room, I remember looking over and seeing Avalon hold my hand and praying. I can’t talk due the tube in my throat from being intubated.
With tears running down her face, I still can hear her say, “Hey baby, I know you can’t hear me, but I just wanted to talk to you, I’ve been here for 4 days. The first day I was here, I was walking the halls looking in every room until I found you, I looked in, you were just laying there, with this tube in your throat, and bandages up one arm down your other, then they had to do two EJ’s, well…external jugular, which means they put the IV’s in your neck, and your heart rate wasn’t very good, but I knew you’d make it. You’re strong.”
I squeezed her hand when she had stopped talking, and she popped her head up with smile and said, “I knew you heard me.”
She explained everything; I overdosed and got my stomach pumped. My parents were talking to an evaluator about sending me to Stoney Lodge Mental Hospital, hours away in New York City. They refused and I got 302’d, after being released from the hospital, I went straight to the mental institution. My suicide attempt changed me, I’m quieter, more reserved, but I’m sure that’s from being away from Avalon, only if I could just talk to her. Granted I see her every other day but it’s not enough. She won’t continue to stay up here until my release in four months. I can’t seem to shake the fact that I tried to kill myself and failed. I am a failure. Who fails at dying? They have me on seventeen different medications, and locked in a room all day, like I’m a wild animal, and its driving me insane.
My life has been a mess, ups and downs, trials and tribulations no one should ever have to deal with. I was abused as a child, I have mental, emotional, and physical reminders of that every day of my life, and my teenage life was hell, as you can tell. The one nurse Leigh has became my best friend, helping me through thick and thin, through all the long nights. Nothing is more important than life has been pounded into my head repeatedly. I would love to believe that, but it’s not possible. So as this if being interpreted by many, I am willing to give up my life so Avalon can me accepted and not ridiculed by everyone at home. As of right now I am no longer living, I hung myself last night at the hospital, from my home life to my personal life, I shared everything, this entire time whomever had been reading this has read my last and final note. I don’t like cutting, and I sure as hell hate shooting up. I’ve just been a nuisance, an inconvenience, and nothing will make Ava happier than being able to move on and get someone better, a man.
I have always and will continue to love you, Avalon Grace McLain.