The Goat

The Goat

We had, quite simply, devoured everything. A whole herd of farmhouse animals couldn’t have made faster work than us. Obviously, we were all in pain too. It was a natural by-product of ordering a Chinese takeout, you would happily pour one oversized mouthful after the next until the stomach cramps set in. And then you would keep going just for the hell of it, I reflected. Conversation spiralled inwards in an ever tightening noose, until we were all unable to groan anything un-food related. This Chinese Tuesday was even heavier than normal – our usual merry routine of opening our fortune cookies and boisterously making fun of the oh-so-vague self-fulfilling prophesies was nothing but empty ceremony tonight. I remember that mine said something about, ‘friend in an unexpected guise’. I started to make a joke about Josh always being in unexpected ‘guys’, but we were all too soporific and exhausted to make much merriment out of it. ‘You know I’m just kidding,’ I said to the guys as I excused myself and tottered across the hall and into my bedroom.
Perhaps my sleep was infected with my vague worries about how many dirty and smelly boxes of Chinese food we had left cluttered and scattered across the kitchen. Perhaps it was down to me nursing thoughts about the fortune cookie. I had overeaten for sure, that could be it. And my parting words to the guys kept flashing up in my head as I tried to sleep. Whatever the reason, as I sank every closer towards that whispy and contented realm of sleep I knew I wasn’t quite right. I felt like an overburdened treasure chest being lowered steadily deeper into the water. Except, instead of the usual cool, inky black safety of the land of nod, things started getting crazier and crazier the further down I got. At the time I remember thinking that I didn’t feel quite right as I sunk into sleep. I had no idea what confused madness would charge and prance around my head.
I here include one brief encounter that happened that night. I need to stress, this was one of many.

So here I stood and there stood he,
And our eyes did meet so cautiously,
Now this was odd, what was this beast?!
With beady eyes and cloven feet?

‘I must know you, through and through,’
‘With you stood there and me here too.’
‘You’re not my mum or Andrew’s friend!’
I glared, driven further round the bend.

‘This is not on, you farmyard cur!’
‘I demand from you your answer!’
‘“A farmyard cur”? I see it now!’
‘You’re nothing but a hairy cow.’

‘“A hairy cow”? That’s not quite right,’
‘This beast is really far too slight.’
‘Are you a pig for bacon please?’
‘With skinny hips and knobbly knees..’

‘What are you Sir! What is your name!’
I cried, ‘Go back from whence you came!’
‘This is my kitchen, I’ll have you not!’
‘Unless it’s in my cooking pot!’

The hairy cow still moved not one inch,
Therein causing me to flinch.
‘An imposter, a fraud! That’s no fur coat!’
‘I know you as a goat!’

‘Oh Goat, oh Goat’ did I so gloat!
‘I know your name you silly goat.’
‘You’ll not have me with your tricksy play,’
‘I’ve outsmarted you this very day.’