Controlling My Life

         “You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you.” The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. Any relationship, whatever the genre, brings joy, love, confusion, and the inevitable pain. The roller coaster of feelings can thrill or terrify any human being; it can cause one to avoid or search for new friends, loves, et cetera. Tragic as it is, relationships also bring a feeling of being stuck in them, with no way out. Some are more willing to stick around because of this feeling, however harmful the relationship may be. Strength and valor comes from being strong enough to say “enough is enough, I am through with you.” Yes, it hurts, but in The Fault in Our Stars by John Green, Augustus Waters provides an easy explanation for what I learned about the hard way: letting go.
         Childhood is often looked at as a joyous time--one of few worries and much play. When I think of my childhood, all I remember is confusion and stress. My mother is an emotionally abusive person; I have accepted this now, but it was not always something I could think about and then dismiss. It consisted of many haunting nights and tenuous argumentation. When my mother told me I am worthless, and the cause of all of our family problems (even financial) I had no choice but to believe her. If the house was a wreck, it was my doing. If my siblings did not listen to her, it was my doing. If my stepdad did not come home any given night, it was my doing. I lived through years of believing everything is my fault and I am the cause of my family’s dreadful unhappiness. She never admitted she abused anyone; in her mind it was always the fault of others. I look back now and tell myself I do not want to live that way, but at the time she was the adult figure I was supposed to look up to. Children do not know who is REALLY a role model. All they know is that their parents are in charge and they must obey, under any and every circumstance.
         Augustus uses this quote to explain how he has chosen to be hurt by Hazel, and he likes his choices. I use it as a guide to be able to choose who I keep in my life, and who needs to be cast off, because I do not need them. I have not spoken to my mother in over a year. I choose not to let her hurt me, because I know that whatever I may do, I will always have myself. I do not want any person who is dragging me down (unrightfully at that) to continue with her violent ways. “You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you.” I have some say in who hurts me, and I would like it to be someone who also makes me a better person.