I Sit & Ponder My Existence at the Bar

Here I Sit Pondering My Own Existence at a Dive Bar
I do a lot of thinking, too much thinking.

Tonight throughout the course of my horrifyingly freezing cold shower (thank you Marty my Brooklyn Slum-lord) my mind began to roam.

I hate, hate when it does this.

Any prolonged period of time in which i find myself in a pure state of misery (such as taking an insanely freezing cold shower) I began pondering my existence. I think about my parents, their parents, I think about New Jersey, I think about why I am choosing to take a freezing cold shower in Greenpoint, Brooklyn.

I convince myself anything and everything that currently causes me misery can only be preparing me for the next battle, which i never let my mind stray far enough to even begin to think what the fuck could be next.

I can only focus on my weirdo family tree and the present. Although today while walking down Manhattan Avenue in Greenpoint I had mentioned to my friend that i believed that i indefinitely have what it takes to become a sniper.

I am very tactful and when push comes to shove although i don't like to admit it, I have it in me to protect myself and whoever else i need to. Doesn't this sound like a noble way to go through life?

It isn't.

Here I stand, dripping wet in a dark bathroom stale, one bloody knee to be shown for my effort of trying to shave to a dim candle light. and it was there and then i reassured myself i was exactly where i needed to be. Coming from such deep Jersey roots, none of which really resemble who I have really became or developed as a person. Although, I can't thank my ancestor's more for their joint contribution to enabling me to struggle, see past the bullshit and over see the less fortunate on this life's journey.

I come from an assorted mix, to say the least. God bless my parents and their will to procreate with a solid follow through.

Never having been close to either side of my family, it has always been just my parents, my brother and I and a bunch of emotional problems we could never address.

My past had once bothered me, not because of hear say throughout New Jersey, or an angry stampede of kid's i went to high school with bum rushing me on Thanksgiving Eve demanding i refund them for their mother's engagement band that my cousin had stolen from their earlier in the year, while i was a state away basking in my ignorance and ignoring the thought of what might be going down in my home town. When it came to my father's family, i chose to look the other way. As my father had once done. A lot of dirty holidays made me think I might never enjoy a Christmas ever again, but I'm starting to think just because of how hard i have worked to stray away from that whole scene, i might really enjoy that holiday one day. I might not ever show any evidence of ever hating that holiday. Who knows this shower apparently had a lot of wisdom to offer.

I lost my mother's grandfather to suicide, a departure made on his part to keep his good name within his company (and other said companies). He went down with his name, which to me as much as i resented him and his nonexistence in my mother's life, remained an admirable quality.

I believe going down with what you believe in, not so much going down for embezzlement but having the balls to "go down" if need be. I really appreciate the lyrics involved in the song by Yes "Roundabout" I have and always will since 8th grade. My true intentions may lay dormant until need be, you may be weary of my intentions until that day comes when it's time to suit up and put your war paint on, but .. the people in my life i care about, are reminded of this daily and secretly i hope, by this point they would know id be the one waiting around the corner with the bat.

Maybe I'm not the choice candidate to be the god father or god mother of your child, but ill always be able to pick up after that person falls off and fails to meet your expectations. I won't be the person to say i told you so either, I'll just scoop up the duty with no words exchanged.

I might not be apart of your wedding party, but i will be at your wedding. I will be at your wedding especially if i think that you might be second guessing it, ill be that friend that double parked around the corner, shows up ten minutes late and sits in the last pew, that's ready to be your get away.

This is what i offer people.

I'm the one phone call, when you only have one call. I can't help this role, i was born to play this role. I'll always suite up.

“Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known.”
-Chuck Palahniuk

More and More each day i have excepted who i really am, I am that Jersey Kid. I am that Jersey kid that is surviving in NYC, struggling trying to start something iindependent taking Jersey along with her daily, weighing the good with the bad and turning into her own. No one is watching me, no one is asking to join me in this cold shower I am doing this alone, no witnesses. I steal from CVS because sometimes i need to, other times i just get a rush out of my confidence level. Nothing major, nothing over ten dollars.
I am just really interested in my capabilities at this point, after having them being tested so many times over the years. This Jersey Kid has been dragged by her ankles through shit all over NYC and some recognition needs to be given, even if it is only being given by herself.
Avoiding your home town, your relatives, the name you bare is a direct insult to the person you are today, yesterday and the person you will be tomorrow. It took me the longest time to truly and deeply understand the meaning behind who i really am and today, during an awful cold shower in Greenpoint, Brooklyn around 8:45, I really came into myself. If given the choice to avoid such suffering and living with such common amenities i might not have as much to say, or as much to bring to the table.
Everyday is a struggle and I never have enough money to realisticallypay all the deli's back in on Manhattan Avenue that i owe money to, I know that when i drink too much at the local bar and i take two cans of diet coke and put them in my purse, they know exactly what it is that i am doing, but i think they know its for a better cause and that on Thursday when my paycheck comes there will be a silent turn over of an extra two dollars in addition to my current purchase and both parties has an idea why. I steal from CVS because i do so in such a blatant, "what of it" type of method that no one has time enough to judge my character, stop me before i do it again or challenge me for wanting to do so. It's a bunch a neighborhood kid's making minimum wage, that are too tired from attending school all day that to go out of their way for a cause that wont hurt nor improve their hourly wage would be unnecessary.
I have this poetic poor artist, criminal blood that flows through my body in the most beautiful, correct way that this blood could ever flow through a human body. Criminal in the way that i watch my own back and understand motives, not in the way that i would or could ever cause harm. I'm too honest and my heart beats to loud to ever actively take part in hurting another. If your beating your wife on my street, I'm stopping, I'm questioning it and the thought of whether or not you might actually know my address or come back for me at some point doesn't enter into my head until i slam that door shut, either way .. i wouldn't be able to let it slide. Poor and Poetic in the fact that i don't mind the struggle as much, I have seen it from the flipside and i like the person i am much better after a good month's struggle because i always have much more to talk about and better stories to tell. Stories that make others laugh and soothe their troubled soul.
So, after all this cocontemplating at the corner Dive Bar, I have come to find i wouldn't have it any other way. Given Hot water, id chose the cold.
I am and will always be that Jersey Kid, Sitting in the last row glarring out of the window plotting on my escape, just wanting to know desperately what is going on beyond highway 36 and what the future may hold.

But i found it, in the form of a cold shower and no one should worry for me.

This blog Entry was written to three songs:
1. Lotus Flower - Radiohead
2. Atlantic City - Bruce Springsteen
3. Nothing like this - J - Dilla


It was really only three songs, the blog took a while..... I had a three song combo in mind, what can you do.