A Letter To Jessie

{Author's note: this is the first piece I have ever published. It's a letter I wrote to my wife, to leave at her grave. This really did help me so much in dealing with my life altering tragedy, continuing depression and transition of moving on. I hope you understand where this comes from (the heart)...}

What can I say sweetie. Another year has passed, and I still feel as lonely as the first night I realized you weren't ever going to lay in bed with me again. You weren't going to yell at me for wearing my shoes in the bedroom. You weren't going to pat my stomach because you wanted me to love you.

I've been so lost without you. I've missed you so much.

I use to walk down the streets of our home and I would see all the people, the couples, smiling and holding each other in the cold autumn evenings. I envied them. Because while they laughed and carried on with their conversations, they didn't know they were passing by a man who had lost everything. The world kept moving on, and everyone was all smiles, but I...I was walking along shattered fragments of a life I had. The same life of joy and happiness I saw in those people. That made me even more sad.

You use to love it when I would read to you in the evenings. Now, I read alone. I still look up to find your face from time to time. It's just a habit now. So I guess that's where the idea stemmed from, to write to you this letter. To read to you, for one final time.

When you passed away, I fell apart; you know that. You took with you every part of my heart, and every single ounce of love I had. And I...well, you know the rest. My life became a big dark hole. I've suffered for so long, struggled alone and afraid to live another day without you.

But lately, I've recognized that I've been feeling better. I've been feeling...other emotions. And while I still miss you, it doesn't hurt as much as it did before.

I use to snicker at the people who said to me that "time heals all." What do they know about my loss, I thought to myself, because it sure wasn't healing anything for me. But damn them if they weren't right.

When we were together, in the beginning, I had such a bad case of tunnel vision. Call it love sick or devotion, but it felt like everything around us just blurred away for me, and all I saw was you and I in the moments we spent together. It's like we were in our own secluded world, when actually we would be sitting outside the coffee shop, and your clumsy elbows would always knock down the napkin box or sugar packets. I loved those little things.

I never thought I could love anyone as much as I did you. But as much as I prop myself up on those memories, it's time I stop holding on to them so tight.

You made me a better man, my love. You changed me. And, I mean, I just can't express how truly grateful I am of that. And yeah I know this is going to sound like such a cliché, especially for us, but, there is more to us than what we had. We just have to walk separate miles for a while now.

You of course, will realize what I was trying to avoid writing there. You were always privy to those quick thoughts of mine. But yeah, if you've taught me anything about love, it's that it can supersede any obstacle; even death. And I know you will still love me, forever.

It's time I let go of the thought that I will never again be happy without you. I want to feel that joy again, that you and I were so lucky to have. I know it won't be the same, but I have to be okay with that. To laugh again, with someone who will love me as much as you have. To be with someone who paralyzes my senses with just a look, just like you always use to do. To feel the sense of wonder as she grabs everyone in the room with her smile.

I know these are all your features. I just got carried away. But, is it too much to ask in wanting something similar? You're right.

And no I've not thought of Jules in that way. Not now, not before, not that time. Like I've told you over and over.

I talked to her you know, the other day. She let me in on some big news. But you probably know that already. She's expecting. She's having a baby Jess...

I gasped in exaltation - with that little squeak that you always jest about, and my eyes swelled up when she said to me that no matter what the sex is, she's going to name the little one Jessie. For you my love...

Julia further confided that she brought your mother to tears as well. Both with the news and the name. Hmm... She still hates me you know, your mum. She says she doesn't, but I sense it. I know she still resents me for what happened.


Right. I'm swinging off topic. So yeah, your sister is happy and well. And it's time for me to find something like that. Even if you're not a part of it anymore.

I've been more active lately. Socially. I've met a few people. Some interesting, some rather strange. Although, "strange" differs largely from our city. I don't know, it just feels like finding friends was easier back then - it came naturally. I guess it's a bit arduous now because I'm still...rebuilding. Reestablishing who I was, who I am.

But I have found a couple of souls here in this wasteland, to talk to. One of which I became really close to, for a while actually. Something of a sibling affair, I found in her. It didn't last though. I guess we were just too different to be so close. It's funny, when I think about it. I saw a little bit of Matt's persona to her. That made me smile, for the time I knew her.

Still, it was nice to share my stories with someone. My sorrows, my joy. She knows all about you. Though how much, I'm not certain. She doesn't listen all that well - she's just a "fresh twenty," like you always use to say.

I really do owe her a many thanks though. For I disclosed with her personal stuff that let me reach the point in my life, this new life, where I feel like I no longer weep for your memories, but laugh and smile at them...

I am no longer a widower, I suppose. I'm just a guy now, who's lost people he really cared about. So it's time I look upwards, for the fact that I got to really know what pure joy was like. What it was to really love somebody.

I don't know if I will ever fall in love again. But I know I have to open myself up once again and believe that there might be someone out there who will make me laugh again, and will make my heart race with a grace of their smile. Who knows, maybe one day I will find a soul who has gone through the same sorrows, and we might find a bond there in sharing our memories of each other's lost loves.

It's been years since I've heard your voice, and a while since I've seen your face in photographs. But I cannot forget who you are to me.

Thank you for sharing your life with me, and for making my life whole. I want you to know that I regret no part of it. None. Only that it came to a halt so quickly. Every moment I spent with you, was like I was in a waking dream. I really was the luckiest man alive, to have the girl of my dreams.

Thank you, for giving me the honor of being your husband. And just know that where ever I end up, I will always, always love you.

Goodbye, my sweet Irish girl.

Forever, your brown eyed boy.
Oscar