starting over

This is my first blog entry on a page I am going to call love. I am going to write in here about the things in my relationship that are good, and the things that I'm struggling with. So perhaps it should be titled 'work in progress' because that's how I really feel. I want to write in this blog to help do the following:
--get my mind focused on the good stuff, remind myself at the click of a website that there is so much good stuff in my life right now and that I am in the right place.
SO here goes...
I am in love with Dave. He is a fantastic guy and I'm very much in love with him. I would have moved in with him this past fall but my son, Eric, who is 17 is not really ok with that...not because he doesn't like Dave (he does) - he just wants his own space and we do have a good gig where we are so it seems like an ok deal for now. HOWEVER that makes things really hard for me. Because I am always wishing I was where I'm not. So when I'm at Dave's I wish I was with Eric and when I'm with Eric, I wish I was with Dave. You get the picture. I don't want my 17 year old to resent that I'm not home. But I love being with Dave. And as a mom, I'm a mom first and always so that's "easy", but that's a lie - because none of that decision making shit is easy.
So back to Dave. I love him. (did I say that?) I think about him all the time. I text him too much I'm sure. I wonder what he's doing and if he's thinking about me right this second like I am and plot and plan when I can see him again, or better yet, when we can have sleepover night again. I work damn hard to make those work...I don't think he realizes how hard I do plan to get those days to work but when they work, they're amazing.
I love him for lots of reasons. He makes me laugh. He is a real person with the same goals as me, the same beliefs for the most part and the same things that are important to me are important to him (again, for the most part). He works and values supporting himself. He has "things" and likes to do fun stuff. His friends are crazy and we have a lot of fun together. He cares a whole lot about me. More than I know I'm sure. Sometimes when he does things or says things, I get smacked in the face wit hthe reality that he cares more than I thoughts and it makes my heart so happy. He followed me in the girls bathroom when he thought I was upset (well I was upset so it was right on the money there), he hugs me when I need him to, he is there when I need him to be. He says sweet things and even though he wants everyone around him to think he's a hard ass, he is a softy with me. I call him my sexy cactus because he has points and rough spots but inside, he's mushy and soft and all mine!
I worry a lot that he will cheat on me. When I come over unannounced, I always expect to see him there with another woman and it's stupid because I really dont' think he will cheat on me. He swears he's not a cheater. He promises I'm the only one and has been honest about the girl I think he'd cheat on me if he did. I have frustrations with him even being her friend but I don't feel like being the kind of girl that says you can't be her friend because that's now who I am....truly none of this is who I am. This untrusting, jealous type - - is not me and until I got into a relationship with Dave that was more than just "friends" I didn't realize I was even like this at all. It's thanks to a lot of hurt from the DIVORCE and since the divorce that has made me like I am and it pisses me off because I want to be the person I was before I let people hurt me. I'm working on it. I trust Dave as much as I can but my mind always does this:
text dave something interesting and awesome
wait for an answer. minutes go by when i know he has his phone. nothing,. nothing....still nothing, more minutes....still nothing.
"maybe he is texting someone else", "maybe he's on the phone with someone else", "maybe it's his mom" (who's been sick), "maybe it's what's her name", "maybe they're making a plan to meet tonight", "the house is his all alone so they could hook up right now", "your going to get dumped", "why would he choose you", and on and on.
I want this to change...i want my self- talk to be he loves you crystal. He tells u all the time he loves you, he does things to prove he loves you all the time, he wants to be with you, he asks you to move in, lets you use the truck, gives you money when you need it, he loves you and "nothing is going to change that" (his words ) but for some reason my self-talk goes right to the first thing - - and it causes SO MUCH ANXIETY! if i do that during school, i wait til prep and leave to be sure he's alone :( lame. and not me. not the actions I would have ever taken before. and not the actions I want to feel I need to take now.
So that's gotta change and i know there are baby steps to getting there.
I know I'm a great person and he loves who I am. He has told me. He loves that I'm fun, have a job, I help him out (clean, help with dogs when he's out of town, etc), I am fun and love the same stuff he does (fishing and naughty stuff lol)...I'm a great person and he knows that. So that's another reason i can't see him cheating on me...I'm a great catch - and WAY better than the other girlfriends he's had (doesn't every current girlfriend say that?? haha!)
We are both very busy people and on total opposite schedules. He works construction and I'm a teacher. I have two teenage sons and he has no kids/never been married. I'm divorced for going on 5 years now due to him having no time for me, being a liar, and destroying important people in my family. Even though Dave works construction and I thought we wouldn't make it through the summer because he'd be too busy, we managed to not only make it, but have a great summer in the process! We went camping (which he swears he hates), we went to a wedding, we went fishing, stayed in a hotel, had all kinds of mini-adventures and I truly felt like I was a "kid" again - and since I missed out on my teens and 20's raising young kids, it was nice to be "young" again (speaking of, Dave is 30 and I'm 35 lol - but it works just fine)...
we have a great sex life lol - - it's a priority and doesn't get pushed to the back burner very often - - sometime this last summer, when he was really tired working 18 hour days then it was not a priority (well not as much as sleep lol)...but I really enjoy our 'alone' time
So anyway the purpose of this blog is to write things that happen between me and dave and to remind myself of the positives that are there - and there are lots - and talk myself through the negatives so they don't take over my thinking because i waste a lot of time being negative in a positive world. My life is where I want it for the most part - yes there are things Id want to change but that's what i"m here for...to make changes and make things better - to enjoy the good stuff because it's there and it's MINE and I deserve it!