In Love With The Wrong Guy Chapter 5

                My mind was frozen. My chest was pounding hard that it was the only thing my ears heard. My hands shook with all the doubt I had. I couldn’t believe how I was looking for Alex and wasn’t even prepared to talk to him. I forgot exactly what I planned to say.



                “Hi, Liyah.” It was good that Alex was the one to start talking because if it was me, he would’ve notice the nervousness in my voice. I braced myself because I thought I shouldn’t let his smile go down.



                “Alex!” I shrieked in a smile. I probably seemed surprised, but it was just that I couldn’t talk right.



                “Still can’t get used to Sander?” he laughed and looked down. I didn’t know what he was trying to do, but I found it a bit charming.



                “I’m sorry, Sander.” I laughed back as he started to smile at me again. I tried to make it as casual as possible. “I’m just a little more confident with Alex.”



                “Really? A lot of people find Sander more comfortable since it’s unusual.”



                “It’s really cool and unusual.” I stated. “But I think Alex suits you better.”



                “Thanks?” he said in a confused manner, still smiling.



                “It’s a compliment!” I laughed, and I guess he found me hilarious because he gave me a fascinated look. “And you’re welcome.”



                “So!” Alexander started a conversation while he blew out a breath. “What brings you up here when the party’s down there?”



                “I should ask you the same question.” I tried to say it as polite as possible. His smile widened when I asked. I guess he found that a bit interesting or something.



                “Me?” he chuckled and turned around. I walked nearer to him as he laid his arms on the railing and looked up. “I don’t know. I needed a little air.”



                “Is the crowd suffocating?” I stood beside him, laid my arms on the railing and looked where he looked. “I mean, there’s barely enough air with the noise.”



                “Well, not exactly. I was partying with them for the past three hours. I got a little tired.”



                “Yeah,” I chuckled. “Especially because you’re a really friendly guy. It must have been exhausting to befriend all those people downstairs.”



                “You’re friendly, yourself.” He stated. I found that a bit sweet. He actually threw back the compliment I gave him. Well, maybe he thought I was friendly because I acted very differently when he was around.



                “Thanks.” I said.



                “You’re welcome.” He said back. After he said that, my stomach felt warm again. I tucked my arms around my waist instead. The feeling was getting weirder.



                For moments, I didn’t know what to say. I just stared up the way Alex did. I didn’t know why he was doing that, nor did I know why he was there alone before I saw him. Each of the seconds that made me feel more comfortable with him just passed by like how the awkward atmosphere had suddenly felt like to have flown away.



                “Tell me.” I started again. “Why are you really here?”



                “Well,” he said straight on, without a trace of doubt. “I thought the stars would look nice tonight.”



                “You’re not wrong.” I added and smiled. We just stared up. “Though I have to say… I never expected a guy like you would go for something like this.”



                “Yeah.” He chuckled. “It may not seem like it, but I’m a little different than most guys. I don’t know if it’s in a good or bad way. I just feel a bit different.”



                “I know. You’re a lot kinder than most guys.” I swung my head to him.



                “Thanks.” He faced back at me and smiled. He closed his eyes and smiled at me. My stomach felt warmer. Something in his tender expression made me stare. I smiled back to him though he couldn’t see me with his eyes closed. He faced back at front seconds after.



                “So, uh.” I had seconds to think of what new to say. Alex turned his face to me, waiting for me to say something. All that came out was, “How’s that baby project at SexEd?”



                “Oh, that!” he chuckled. “It’s going great. Winnie and I are working well on it.”



                “That’s good to hear.” I nodded.



                “How about yours? Who’s your partner?”



                “Steve Jobbs. He’s pretty nice.”



                “Steve Jobbs.” He repeated. “I just met him and his girlfriend when we helped Winnie get the house ready.”



                “You were here before the party?” I faced Alexander because I felt a bit curious and a little jealous.



                “Yeah.” He smiled. “A few of Winnie’s friends –including me, Steve, and his girlfriend- helped her prepare the party since her parents were out of town.”



                “I didn’t know Steve was friends with Winnie.”



                “Winnie’s really neighborly.”



                “Yeah, she’s cute.” I said. I only said that because I wanted to see if he’d agree, but any guy would agree that Winnie’s cute. And I hoped what I said didn’t make Alex think I’m a lesbian.



                “She is cute.” He repeated and talked while trying to laugh, “And I’m not saying that because it’s her birthday.”



                “You like her, don’t you?” I asked that out of the blue. Well, I wanted to know so badly. He gave me a calm look after I asked. His smile didn’t falter, but he was a little more serious.



                “Of course, I like her. I like a lot of people, Liyah.”



                “And that’s what I really like about you.” I replied. I was relieved after hearing what he said. Somehow, I know that there’s a chance that he wasn’t really in for Winnie. I just continued talking, “You see the good before the bad. There aren’t much people that aren’t judgmental especially guys. I admit. Even I am bad at judging people.”



                “Thanks.” He said in a relieved tone. “You! You’re pretty special, yourself.”



                “Me? Special?” I felt a giggle down my spine. I felt a bit excited. I wanted to hear more. “I’m not special, I tell you. I just do what I like to do.”



                “Exactly. You’re special because it’s who you are.” He said as he continued to smile at me. I smiled back, trying to process what he just said. I was sure I didn’t get what he said, but I was sure that was meant as a compliment. And somehow, I liked the fact that it didn’t make any sense because it sounded a lot sweeter.



                “I don’t get the point.” I laughed as his smile got bigger.



                “I’m not making any sense,” he laughed, and he looked back up at the stars.



                “Yeah,” I said. I didn’t know why did. First, I shove a look at him, and he was looking still at the stars. It was probably an urge, but I slowly laid my head beside his shoulder. I hoped that he didn’t mind, and he didn’t. He turned his head to me but looked back up again. I closed my eyes and relaxed my head. I didn’t know what came in to me.



                Why am I doing this? Why do I want it so bad? Why can’t I stop?



                We stayed like that for seconds, without a wave of awkwardness. I felt comfortable beside him. My stomach stopped crumbling, and the wind felt warmer. We both kept quiet, just staying still. I felt tired and sleepy. I felt like I wanted to sleep next to him.



                Don’t ever let this go. I want this to be forever.



                “You’re a good guy, Alex.” I whispered to him with my eyes closed.



                “I think you’ve said enough compliments for one night. But thank you.” He said, and we both chuckled.



                I had no clue what I was doing or what was coming with it, but I felt like I wanted to burst in tears of joy. That moment was special. I wanted it to be all my life.



                Why was I wasting my life on something else when I could have spent it with Alex?



                I felt something warm go down my face, a tear from my eye. I exhaled and took it all in. I felt like going down. I felt weak and dependent. I didn’t know why I felt weak for the very first time of my life.



                My pride was filled with how strong I am, but if I have to drop just to be with Alex, then I’d drop it willingly for him…. only for another moment… another one of this moment… of Our moment.





                We stayed like that for moments, a thousand of trembling heartbeats I hoped Alex didn’t hear. Somehow, I wanted to drop dead like it should’ve been the last minutes of my life. Yet I feel this fear in my heart that I couldn’t explain. I realized it was the fear of that moment ending. The trembling from my heart crossed from my chest to my hands. It didn’t take long before Alex noticed that I was shaking.



                “Hey,” he looked at my head that was on his shoulder. “Why are you shaking?”



                “I’m sorry.” I quickly said and took off my head from his shoulder. That moment felt like minutes to me, minutes of dying sparks. I totally regret ending that moment. All I could do was give him answers, “I’m just a little-”



                “Are you okay?” he said when it took seconds for me to continue my sentence. He held my arms with both his hands. “Why are you shaking?”



                “I’m just-” I was looking down as he was gazing at me, waiting for me to answer, so I looked back at him and smiled. I wanted him to think everything was okay even when I felt like I was dying. “It’s just chilly here.”



                “Okay.” He said and moved his head around like he was scouting for something while made a hum sound. “Do you want to go down? It’s warmer inside.”



                “Yeah. I know.” I chuckled. My eyes rolled down because I couldn’t look right at him. I feared he’d see the shock and lie in my eyes. I didn’t want him to see the glossy eyes with me almost tearing up, too.



                “Hey,” he seemed to have noticed something and he held better grasp on my arms and jacket sleeves. “Something’s wrong. Are you not feeling well?”



                “I’m fine, Alex.” I was still looking down. I thought I had just come up with an excuse. “I just have this weird reaction with chills. My goose bumps won’t go away.”



                “Well.” Alex swung his head to the entry to the balcony and swung back to me. That time, I had the courage to look back at him. “I know a place warm.”



                “Where?” I asked with a curious and innocent tone, serious but prepossessing.



                “But I’ve got to ask you if you’re wearing underwear.” He said so casually.



                I didn’t know what came over me, but I became speechless. I felt my face heating. I was blushing. I thought he was going to ask me to have sex or something. I couldn’t help but imagine stuff beyond my age.



                “Hey, don’t blush!” he teased and laughed. I felt even more ashamed and probably gone more red.



                “I’m not blushing!”



                “I’m sorry. I didn’t think you were uncomfortable to talk about that.” He chuckled but bent his smile down to seem more serious and calm my heating down.



                “No, no. I’m not.” I said. I was feeling a little normal again. That blushed had probably gone away. “What was it you had in mind?”



                “I was thinking of asking you to get in the Jacuzzi.” He said without a trace of doubt. I felt like I was about to blush again, but his calmness drove the heat in my cheeks away. Something in my mind went quiet and tender. I felt like I was hearing a lullaby from out of nowhere.



                “I remember they have a Jacuzzi in here.” I shove a chuckle. “Winnie and I used to always heat up there whenever it gets chilly.”



                “Yeah, right. She mentioned that you two were best friends when you were little.”



                “Yeah. We were…” I swung my neck. “I probably should have seen her first before climbing up here.”



                “I think she’s on the dance floor, knocking herself out.” He did a half smile. I found it really cute with the shimmering night light, so I smiled back. “You should probably see her first.”



                “Okay. Let’s see her, then.” I said, continuing to smile as I started to walk out the balcony to the stairs and Alex followed.



                “Okay!” he cheerfully agreed.



                I didn’t know why I suddenly felt like I wanted to see Winnie. Even though I felt like I was losing Alex to Winnie before, that feeling went away after our little moment. Somehow, I wanted to thank Winnie for making that possible. I was feeling more alive than ever. Even that small steps Alex trailed behind mine felt special to me. I swung my arms as I walked, wanting to touch his hand and making it seem like an accident. Alex and I walked down the stairs and joined the crowd of partying people. As we swarmed in, I heard a lot of people calling out to Alex and he, waving and greeting back, but it was different with me. People were going near and talking to Alex as he walked with the crowd while they tried to step away when I went near. They seem to all be disgusted or quivered in fear of me. I didn’t want to feel that way anymore.



                “You see Winnie anywhere?” I stopped walking. Alex heard me and walked away from the crowd that seemed to part from me.



                “Not really.” Alex walked nearer me, so the crowd didn’t stick with him. It was probably because they were staying away from me.



                And out of nowhere, I heard a shriek of a girl, “Sander!”. Alex and I turned to see, and it we saw that it was Winnie. She quickly brushed through the crowd and approached Alex.



                “Hey, Ms. Birthday girl!” Alex greeted.



                Winnie approached even further, non-stopping. I turned around to see Winnie as she approached Alex and walked past me. I was astonished when I saw everything slowly. Winnie stretched her arms as she walked closer to Alex. It didn’t take long for me to realize that she was wrapping her arms around his body and hugged him. It all went quick but slowly to my eyes. It was like a bolt of lightning, quick but destructive. I was struck as Winnie held stronger grasp and Alex laughed about it. That very moment felt like forever. Every second that everyone was giggling about them was a real torture to me. My eyes were glued to Alex, trying to see if he’d turn his eyes to me, but he didn’t. He was smiling down to Winnie as she enthusiastically pressed her cheeks on his chest.



                “The party’s awesome! Thanks for helping me out with it!” she moved her face to his front, still hugging Alex. They were in a position like they were about to kiss. It suddenly seemed clear to me.



              Maybe I wasn’t special to him. Maybe his glamorous smile weren’t really especially for me. Maybe that’s just how he is with people. Maybe I was just putting myself in a fantasy.



                “You’re welcome!” Alex said straightly, smiling bright like the sun again. I was feeling so jealous and weak. I was biting my lips, and I didn’t even notice until it became painful.



                Winnie let go of the grasp on Alex and pulled his arm instead. Alex willingly walked with her to cross through the crowd once more.



                “Come, on!” Winnie said. “I want you to meet some people!”



                “Okay.” Alex cheerfully agreed like how he did earlier with me.



                As I slowly turned my head to where Winnie was pulling Alex, the curve from my lips turned to a frown. It seemed slow to me, like it was meant for the saddest times to be the slowest. Alex was smiling all the time until he saw me, staring at them. Alex stopped Winnie as soon as he noticed me.



                “Winnie.” He said as Winnie moved to see why he stopped her from walking. Alex was looking at me, implying something to Winnie.



                “Why? What’s up?” Winnie looked to where Alex was looking at, which was at me. Winnie saw me immediately.



                “Liyah!” she shouted with happiness as she walked to me. “I didn’t think you were gonna come.”



                “Well, I was around, so…” I tried to act as casual as I could. “Happy Birthday, by the way!”



                “Thanks!” Winnie did her mini-claps again. Alex walked and stopped beside her. “Alex and some other people helped me out. They were a real help since my parents weren’t here.”



                “Fabuloso!” I pretended to act happy for them, but I was dying in jealousy inside. I rolled my eyes to Alex, but he was just smiling there.



                “You know, I was about to hit the Jacuzzi with Liyah.” Alex told Winnie. “If you want, let’s go altogether.”



                “But I wanted you to meet some people.” Winnie insisted.



                “Okay.” Alex agreed. He looked at me and asked, “Could you wait, Liyah?”



                Something in me was angry. I knew why I was angry, but I didn’t know who I was angry at. I just felt like I needed to punish myself and stop believing in those small fantasies I fell in. I didn’t know what came over me, but I decided not to go with Alex, “You know? Just forget it. I’m not really chilly anymore.” I said a bit in a nice way, but he could have still found that change of heart a bit weird.



                “You sure?” Alex asked.



                “Yeah.” I faked a smile at both of them. “You go meet some new people.”



                “Okay.” He said. “Then, I’ll be seeing you around.”



                “Okay.” I was turning my back, starting to move away. “See ‘ya.”



                “Bye, Liyah!” Winnie shouted as I was already walking away.



                “Okay.” I shouted back.



                I didn’t see them move. I didn’t bother to look back. I didn’t stop myself from biting my lips harder. I didn’t stop the small tears forming in my eyes.



                What’s with me? Why did I do that? Is it because I wanted Alex to insist that we continue on the Jacuzzi? But I guess we weren’t meant to.



                I felt like I needed to cry. I didn’t know where I was walking to. I just followed the spaces without crowds. I felt weak. I didn’t know what to do next. I was losing hope. I knew what I needed, but I felt like I couldn’t get it. It all seemed so far away. It all was just dreams and fantasies.







                The night was cold again as I made my way outside to their pool. I was neutral, but a little tint of sadness can be seen on my face. I limped my way to the folding beds and sat. It was dark and cold there. No one was sitting or hanging out there probably because it chilled. I could see the cold fog every time I exhaled. I rubbed my hands together as I lifted my legs on the bed. Those didn’t really matter. I was so bummed about what I had just gone through. I had expected something, and it always came with disappointment. I blinked my eyes repeatedly and dramatically, felt every drip of tear run down my face. I buried myself with further disappointment and despair.



                Suddenly, I saw a shadow coming up at me from behind. I’d usually get on my guard, but I was feeling weak, so I didn’t care. I just heard a guy walk beside me and sit on the folding bed beside me. I looked and saw that it was Nick. He was holding two soda cans and handed me one.



                “Hey,” he said as he waited for me to take the cup. “Are you okay?”



                “No, thanks.” I looked at the soda can and back at him. “It’s already cold.”



                “You’re cold?” he repeated. As a reaction, he placed the two cups down on his folding bed. I didn’t take soon notice that he stripped off the sweater I gave him and stood up in front of me. Then, he gently covered my body with that sweater. I’ve got to admit that made the chills go away.



                “Thanks.” I wore the sweater as he went back to sit.



                “So, what’s up?” he asked again.



                “Nothing.” I was sure I didn’t want Nick to find out anything about my feelings for Alex nor was I in the mood the brush him off.



                “Liyah. I can tell when there’s something bothering you.”



                “Yeah.” I thought there was no point in hiding it to Nick. After all, he knows me so well that I can no longer drive him away. “Maybe you shouldn’t know about it.”



                “You like that Sander guy don’t you?” he suddenly asked. Our eyes glued to each other, but I was silenced.



                “Well,” it took me seconds to continue, but I did, “It’s not really anything. I don’t know.”



                “I can tell you more than like him.” Nick chuckled and shook his head. “I see how you look at him. You never looked at me that way, and I can tell you look at Sander specially.”



                “Don’t judge me.” I shook my head away from Nick, trying to deny everything, but I couldn’t hold off the water on my eyes. It was good that the tears that ran down quickly dried off or Nick could have seen that.



                “That’s just how I see it.”



                “Well, you’re seeing it wrong.” I faced him immediately.



                “Am I?” he got a little serious and more interrogative. I faced away again because I couldn’t look straight at him. He seemed to have noticed, “Liyah, don’t be afraid to tell me about it. It’s just like how you talk about things with Laura and Sandy. It’s like how share your problems with your mom. I’m also here for you as your friend. You should start making use of me.”



                “I don’t need any help.” I insisted.



                “After seeing you see Sander and Winnie hug like that, I think you’re feeling really bad right now especially if you more than like him.”



                “Stop, okay?” I said as tears started to flow down my face again. I was still not looking at him so he didn’t notice the tears too quick because it was dark, but he did soon after.



                “Hey.” He noticed my cry and started to act more unsettled. “Are you crying?”



                “I’m not.” I denied even when it was too obvious with the weakness of my voice. I wiped my tears as Nick quickly moved and kneeled to my front. I tried to wipe the tears away faster.



                “Hey. Hey. This is the first time I saw you cry.” He said. “I’m sorry.”



                “I’m okay. I’m not crying.” I tried to wipe away the tears faster, but more and more kept dropping. Nick held my arms, feeling more alarmed with that sudden crying. I felt like my pride of not crying for a long time was burned down.



                “Liyah.” He said, tucking my strands of hair on the back of my ears. “You can tell me about it. It’s all right. I’m your friend. I’m here for you.”



                “I don’t want or need to talk about it.” I admitted. I kept on crying as he helped me wipe away the tears.



                “Okay.” He accepted calmly as he brushed my hair with his hand. Then, he stretched his arms around me. “Do you want a hug? You could pretend that you’re hugging him.”



                “Huh?”



                I stopped. I tried to process what he just said. I looked at him, and he was staying still. I thought it was a bad thing to hug him and think it was Alex, but I did. I closed my eyes and stretched my arms to hug him. I tried to feel what it could’ve felt if I was Winnie. My grasp around his body was first really awkward even though I tried to feel and think that it was Alex, but I held him tighter. My mind flew to the air again. That feeling was like when I lied my head on Alex’s shoulder.  It got warmer not just because of the sweater I wore above my jacket but because of the feeling that I got when I started thinking it was Alex. I left my eyes closed, and a smile curved on my lip as I brush my hair on his chest. Nick held my head with one hand and rubbed my arm with his other hand. There were still waves of chills, but they came to me like just an autumn breeze. Something felt perfect, but in a way, something felt wrong. Maybe it was the fact that I felt Alex, but I couldn’t see him if had opened my eyes. Then, it all felt wrong. I thought I shouldn’t have used Nick just to feel Alex. Even if he just thought that was just friendship, it was still something I shouldn’t have done. My eyes burst quickly as I pulled myself back out of our grips.



                “Wait.” I said. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that to you.”



                “It’s okay, Liyah.” He probably figured what I was trying to say, “I’m not trying to do anything sneaky. I just want you to feel better.”



                “I know, and it worked. I feel so much better now. Thank you.” I explained and tried to shove a chuckle. “At least the crying stopped now.”



                He chuckled back and said, “I’m glad you feel better.”



                “Yeah,” I laughed; that time, for real. “I guess we should just talk about more casual stuff. This sentimental thing isn’t really something I can stand.”



                “Okay,” he chuckled as he stood and sat down back again on the folding bed. “What do you want to talk about?”



                “Well,” I paused and talked back again, “I would like to know the whereabouts of Laura.”



                “Laura.” Nick repeated and laughed. “Well, first we went with the party and hung out with the few people we knew. That’s until we saw Harvey, trying to find Laura, so I let them be.”



                “So, you don’t know where they are right now?”



                “No, but we know who she’s with.”



                “Okay.” I made a long pause again. Nick didn’t say anything either. It didn’t feel awkward anymore. I just held my hands together as I flew my sight around.



                I heard a squirt sound, and I turned to see Nick. He opened one of the cans of soda and drank a sip. I felt like I needed a refreshment, too.



                “Can I have one?” I reached my hand to him.



                “Oh, okay.” He grabbed one and handed it to me. “Here.”



                “Thank you.” I said as I opened the can and drank along with Nick.



                We just stayed like that for some time, staring at the stars as we take small sips from that grape-flavored juice. It seemed a lot peaceful than ever. We let the evening breeze chill us in and stay. We didn’t care if it was warmer and crazier inside the mansion. To us, it was better to be in peace. I started to have thoughts about my dad again. Even if I hated my dad so much for leaving us, I still used dream of us being a family again. It was one of my lifetime dreams, to share a meal on a round table once more, family complete, no argument, no problems, no awkwardness or quietness, just laughter and enjoyment.



                                         



                Why couldn’t life be more like the stars? They’re so peaceful and free, able to do whatever they want without anything getting in their way. We could go with the light at daytime and shine brightly in the time of darkness. I wish things were that simple, all we have to do is smile and sparkle like a shooting star.