The Pain of Silence

Chapter 11

There exists a dual universe when it comes to the life that the average high school student lives. One view is the theatrical one that everyone plays, some much better than others. The other life is the one that exists behind the fake smiles and muted laughter and false bravado that ricochet off the walls of every hallway. Jan knew both worlds very acutely as her essay clearly revealed to Ms. Ramsey last period. Each student in every school throughout the country spends a portion of every day in each of the dual worlds that students know so well but never speak of. Students, just like snowflakes and fingerprints, all are different in the degrees of time spent in each world. Jan’s share of human tragedy of a special needs brother and the death of a parent drove her deeply into the world of pretense and deception.

The surprise emotional adrenaline rush that was provided by Ms. Ramsey’s literature class pushed Jan momentarily from her world of deception and pretense to a dangerous and fragile visit to reality and self-awareness. It was the high schooler’s most vulnerable place to be. In the sane world of truth and reality all high schoolers feel they are ugly, dumb, and grossly inadequate. But this morning thanks to Ms. Ramsey’s shot of belief Jan was able for a short trip in time to see that she may actually have value and worth. This was a chance to stop the game playing and drop the hard protective shield from around herself and let her thoughts and dreams see the unfettered freedom that her fears had prevented for so long. There was no better place or time for this chance to feel good about herself without the game playing and pretense than in Dr. John’s class.

Douglas Johnson enjoyed his time at Gate City Academy. It was his altruistic way to give something back to the world, the community in which he lived and worked. Piedmont College was his avocation and means to mortgage and car payments, but his one hour a day at Gate City Academy was his gift to himself. Gate City Academy had students that were motivated to learn and to get into the best schools and the typical high school kid sleeping in class or fighting or failing to do homework was not a part of the culture at Gate City. That was not the reason that Douglas chose Gate City and it wasn’t about the money. The money was a bonus. There is something inheritably different about the level of motivation of fifteen and sixteen year olds as compared to eighteen and nineteen year olds. It was that difference that brought Dr. John to Gate City Academy. Whenever second period was over Dr. John was always riding an emotional high on his twelve minute drive to the Piedmont College math department where he taught students that did not quite feel the power of his motivation as these bright, young, energetic minds at Gate City Academy.

“Good morning, Jan. How are you today?” Dr. John asked politely but sincerely as Jan entered the classroom and wandered to her place on the second seat of the third row.

“I’m doing rather well, Dr. John, quite well actually. Thanks for asking.”

Jan settled quietly into her seat and shuffled her notebook and pencils preparing herself for what would typically be a most inspiring and thought provoking calculus class. She could not help but be amazed at how any person could take a subject such as calculus and relate it to life situations and inspire life changing ideals and self-introspects through a math level that so few people ever attempt. That was Dr. John’s style. It did not matter if he had chosen to teach math, art, history, or woodshop, Dr. John would teach people to first believe in themselves and then the subject matter would take care of itself. The headmaster at Gate City Academy had observed that attendance issues were never a problem for those students enrolled in any class that Dr. John taught. Students would often drag themselves to school with tissues and bottles of medicine to get through his class before going to the doctor. Dr. John was medicine for the soul and the spirit. He spoke to the invisible hidden side of students that lay behind the façade of designer clothes and fine jewelry. He reached beyond the mental brick and mortar walls that students build to protect themselves from the harshness of growing up and facing the cruelty of their peers.

Today was different for Jan. She did not need Dr. John to be at the top of his game. She could take a mediocre presentation today, although mediocre was an ugly word to Dr. John, and mediocre was not a trademark of this teacher. Ms. Ramsey already had accomplished a Dr. John feat of making someone believe in their worth and value and the first part of the lecture today would not have to be wasted on knocking down the walls of self-protection. Ms. Ramsey had already leveled that wall.

Dr. John did not know about Jan’s emotional high ride into his class. It did not matter as there were nineteen other students that could benefit from today’s important ‘calculus’ lesson. The three minute tardy bell sounded and Dr. John started striking the yellow chalk on the blackboard causing chalk dust and pieces to fly. The students knew from the loudness of the chalk’s impact onto the slate that today’s lesson would be filled with more than the usual amount of passion.

“Pi, a2 + b2 , hypotenuse”, Dr. John spoke out quietly as these mathematical terms appeared in yellow numerals and letters across the board.

“These are numbers and formulas and theorems that can build bridges and buildings and calculate the mass of a block of stone or the volume of water in a cylinder. These are the methods to create solutions and solve problems that trouble humanity. The world revolves around math and man’s ability to use and apply its principles. The Sears Tower and the Golden Gate Bridge were all built by men and women who knew their calculations. The correct percentage of chemicals and how they react with each other have produced medications that have saved and extended millions of lives. All of this was done with math before the product ever hit the shelves of the pharmacy. But as I walk these beautiful halls of Gate City Academy each day there is another number that overrides all these great formulas I cover this board with.”

Dr. John sat the chalk on the corner of his desk and walked slowly in silence to the window overlooking the fountain and courtyard outside the paneled oak walls of this prestigious classroom. A long minute passed without a sound from Dr. John as his eyes roved over the beautifully landscaped courtyard and its walkways lined with cut stones and the stream that meandered across the property. Another minute slowly passed by. Jan noticed the students around her were getting a bit restless and were on the edge of their seats. They had seen this in Dr. John before. They knew he was about to make a profound lesson about life and this day there would be little if any calculus knowledge to presented for preparation for the SAT and other college entrance exams. Whenever Dr. John wandered the room and paused from his constant chatter it was a sign that something very specific triggered the lesson that was to come shortly.

Dr. John turned quickly and faced the class. “Daniel, what number do you feel that I am concerned with this morning?”

Daniel Forsyth, already accepted to Princeton, was more than eager to answer. “Dr. John, I feel the number you are thinking about is one. That is what I feel, Sir.” Daniel answered from his front row seat with his hands folded smugly across the top of his open notebook.

“The number one is a reasonable guess, Mr. Forsyth.. What may I please ask, brought you to that conclusion?”

All eyes in the room focused intently on Daniel. By Dr. John’s use of his last night in addressing him, they knew his answer was already wrong. The students all knew Dr. John’s idiosyncrasies and they knew this one well. But little did they know that Dr. John wanted it that way.

“I feel that as you looked out the window today and saw the landscaping as it blended with the architecture into closeness with nature. You want us to know that one person with one dream can at any one time make a difference in the world, even if he or she is just one person.”

“Daniel, Princeton is fortunate to get you for four years, and the world will be yours to change after that time. It is obvious you have listened to my obtuse and often self-indulgent ramblings over the months by that profound and well thought out answer. Unfortunately, it is not the number I was searching for today. But your answer has provided me a springboard to introduce the number I want you to remember throughout your life.”

Dr. John picked up the chalk from the corner of the desk and walked to the board once again and drew a big circle. He laid the chalk back down on the ledge under the board.

“The number I want to talk about today, Daniel, is zero. It is a numeral that designates a nothingness or it is used to hold a place in larger combination numbers. But let’s take a look at this symbolic design for a moment. It is round like the earth, our very core of life. This round number called zero in reality nothing more than a circle. As we all know from basic Geometry 101, all circles have two major components. One is the inner portion of the circle creating an area that is separated from everything outside that circle. Likewise the opposite of that is that everything outside of the circle is away and not included in the inner portion of that circle. That is what the number zero teaches us. It teaches us that life inside the circle and life outside the circle are two different worlds and that those two worlds will never intersect or interact with each other.”

The students in second period calculus laid their pencils down and moved forward in their desks as they knew that today’s lesson had absolutely nothing to do with the subject of calculus. But from the tone and volume level of Dr. John’s voice, they all knew that today’s lesson was directed at someone or some thing that hit deeply into Dr. John’s soul. Today’s lesson would turn into what the students jokingly called a ‘Dr. John classic’.

“Each one of you are a circle or life within a circle. Each of you have your own line drawn that makes your circle. Some of you have very thin lines, barely visible, but still lines, nonetheless. Others of you have thick, unbreakable lines. But we all have lines that make our circles. I, too, have my own. We all walk these hallways every day wrapped safely and comfortably within our circle of protection. These circles are invisible, yet we all see them. We see clearly through our own circles and we all pretend to see through other people’s circles, although we never do. Today when I walked down the hallway I stopped and looked down these shiny marble floors and saw bubbles of humanity passing each other but never touching or bumping. I saw hundreds of bubbles all protecting the center of each circle from the danger of someone crossing that line from outside to inside.”

Dr. John abruptly stopped and walked over to the window and stared intently into the courtyard. Everyone knew this was a chance for each of them to digest his introduction and just where he was going with this lecture. Each student felt he or she knew where this was heading, but with Dr. John, one was never quite sure, as the obvious was always the obscure in his messages.

“Zero is a very painful number. We have twenty students sitting in front of my chalkboard today, and we have hundreds more in the surrounding classrooms, all sitting comfortably in their protective bubbles. I want you to think about zero for a few minutes and just what it implies. There are twenty of you in this room today. Math is about statistics and statistics show trends and consistencies. It doesn’t matter if I stand before you here at Gate City Academy or Piedmont College or a private girls school in Wales. The numbers and percentages never change. Faces change, ages change, socio-economics and diversity changes, but the numbers never change. My observations are very astute and poignantly accurate. Eighteen of you listening to my voice now avoided the curse of the zero. Two of you will know all too well of the validity of today’s lesson. It doesn’t matter if I walk into the Chemistry class across the hall or go across the quad into English literature, the numbers will not change.”

The normal sparkle of enlightenment that usually prevails in the eyes of Dr. John was gone. It was obvious to all that this particular ‘classic’ was going to be one of reproach and not one of encouragement. There was nothing to do but sit and take the mental medicine that the good doctor was so good at administering.

“Zero is a tough number to live with. But two of you, according to statistics, go through the entire day at Gate City Academy and have zero people speak to you and you make zero communication with your peers from the time you drive your BMW into the parking lot until you leave at 3 PM. You will sit through five classes and go to lunch and never hear one word spoken to you to cross into your circle. You hear zero. This building, this beautiful structure and hallowed hall of learning is but cold concrete and glass and a tomb of silence. It carries zero warmth and zero feeling and never touches your soul or moves your spirit. You say zero to others and they all say zero to you. You are a nameless, soundless circle that passes in the hallway and sits across the lunchroom. You are zero. Your life is zero and each of you contributed to that zero. I can give you formulas that will teach you to build and create things that will change the world but I cannot teach you to break through that zero. Some of the brightest minds in Guilford County are sitting right here in this classroom and will undoubtedly be tomorrow’s greatest leaders and innovators and pillows of society. Two of your classmates sitting in this room have made it to my class without having spoken a word to anyone and having no one speak to them. They will attend three more classes and pass through our hallways and encounter zero contact.”

Dr. John knew this was time to give the class time to introspect into their own specific behaviors. He walked slowly to the door and opened in and stood staring into the hallway. His hands were clasped behind his back and the students readily noticed how they were writhing in each other nervously. Somehow they knew the most intent portion of the lecture was yet to come.

“I know what you are thinking. It is obvious from the expressions of doubt on your faces. You want to stand up now and say ‘Dr. John, you are so very wrong’. You want to tell me that there is a buzz and dull roar of laughter and constant talking and communicating between every class. You want so badly for me to be wrong. I wish that I were wrong. Eighteen of you doubt me and consider this to be a dramatic soapbox for me today. You are certainly entitled to your opinion and I encourage you to stand fast to your beliefs. But there are two of you that know beyond a shadow of any doubt that I am 100% dead-on correct. My heart goes out to you. Life was never made to live as a zero. You cannot change the way other people treat you or think about you. You think that you can or that money can or social status can, but it cannot. You may not realize that now and you may not realize that tomorrow, but someday you will.”

Susan Strathmore could not hold back any longer. She had heard enough of Dr. John’s message and she had to speak her mind. Her hand went up in mid-sentence and Dr. John stopped immediately to acknowledge her hand.

“Yes, Ms. Strathmore. You seem from your expression that you disagree with my assessment of zero?”

“Dr. John, I would like to disagree with what you are saying. I think you mean well but it simply is not true. I know I have spoken to at least a dozen people personally this morning myself and it is only second period. I sat in the courtyard before first period and talked to a number of my friends about a lot of things. This is something I do every day, not just today. Many of those people I talk to are sitting right here in this class with me and I can prove it to you. I can . . . . . .”

“Ms. Swarthmore,” Dr. John interrupted. “I respect your courage to speak up and voice your opinion. I wish more would speak out. But let me ask you this question if you do not mind.”

“Please do, Dr. John. I’m ready.” There was a quiet muffle of laughter at Susan’s courage to challenge Dr. John during a moment of one of his most passionate and demonstrative lectures.

“Ms. Strathmore, how many of those people you spoke to today were people you have never spoken to before? Were they the same dozen people you spoke to yesterday and the day before? Will they be the same people you call on the phone tonight or speak to at the burger shack after school? Were these people in your personal bubble pack? They are your friends that you socialize with every day and go to parties with and shopping with at the mall?”

“Yes, they are Dr. John. They are all my friends and I do socialize with them both in school and outside of school. I talk with them and I am not a zero.” Susan answered with a shade of arrogance and agitation in her voice.

“Susan, again I admire you for speaking out. It is great that you socialize and make this building a warm place to connect with others. You have also proven my point for me. As you look around this room I want you to look into the eyes of each person and ask yourself if you see anyone that you have not spoken to today, yesterday, or ever. You will see your friends that you spoke of as you glance around the room but you will also without responding to me or them realize there are people in this room you treat as a zero. I am not saying you have to speak to every person in the school every day of the year. That is absurd and ridiculous. But if you can see even one person in this room that has not even had as much as a ‘hello’ from you then you have to ask yourself why you have decided to make them a zero.”

Susan sat there in silence. The class waited anxiously for Susan to prove Dr. John wrong. But Susan could say nothing. She knew at that point Dr. John was absolutely right and Susan felt a bit of shame in seeing a couple of people that she never bothered to say hi to or even nod acknowledgement of their existence. When Susan stopped her retorts back to Dr. John, the class knew the answer. The ruffle of laughter ceased.

“Susan, I am not picking on you. Your participation and challenge today of me is admirable and noted. You are a good person. All of you are good people. I am not excluded from this zero creation. There are days when I am so preoccupied with lesson plans for my college classes that I pass right down the hall and walk by people that desperately need my hello or smile. I am not holier than thou by any means. But I do challenge you class. No, I implore you to do this experiment for your homework. When this class is over I want you in between classes to say ‘hello’ and nothing more than that one word to someone you have never spoken to before. It will not be that difficult as there are dozens of zeros in this building that have never heard one hello from anyone since enrolling. You know who they are. Do not do it with arrogance or in a joking mocking way. Do it with sincerity and move on. But there is one more thing.”

Dr. John walked slowly back to the chalkboard and deliberately erased the big zero on the board and leaned his head back and took in a long slow breath.

“You know class, with all those other numbers we use in calculus we can create those Golden Gates and those Empire State Buildings and structures yet undreamed for the future. But unless we eliminate those zeroes, we will have people jumping from them just to be recognized by anyone even in death.”

Daniel spoke up quickly before the bell would ring to signal the end of this emotional 2nd period. “Dr. John, you mentioned there was one more thing. What is it?”

“Thanks, Daniel. I almost forgot. When you say ‘hello’ to that person to whom you have never spoken to before there is one thing I want you to do. It will be something that you will remember the rest of your life. You will remember this long after you forget the calculus formulas and poetry and world history. But when you say your first ‘hello’ to that zero, look deep into their eyes and you will see more about yourself and the power you have to change the world than anything I or any teacher can ever give you.”

Sharon McDermott was slow to rise from her chair in the back left corner of the room. She neatly folded her papers and tucked them away methodically into her knapsack. The room was now empty except for Dr. John and Sharon. Without saying a word Sharon paused momentarily at the door and turned slowly to look directly at Dr. John. Sharon’s efforts at forming a smile were futile. A tiny tear trickled down her cheek and fell onto her sweater. The statistics always hit someone close to home. Dr. John gave an understanding nod as this was no time for words, only numbers. And Sharon was a zero.

The bell rang and the class emptied into the hallway. Dr. John looked out into the courtyard but faintly heard Daniel’s voice in the distance from the hallway.

“Hello.”