"My Name"

In Hebrew my name means morning dew. In English it means being called Tyler. It means frustration, confusion. It means a fighter, someone who pushed through everything and made it out to the other side. It means someone who never gave up, even if they really never had any hope left. It is the number 13, a murky, bleached color upon an uninhibited house yet striking in its own way. It is the music that courses through my ears as my fingers slither across the keyboard.

The name belonged to a friend of my parents, back when they used to be able to work still, when health hazards hadn't taken away such a talent and left them in the house all day. I never got to meet that friend, but I’m sure whoever she was, the name fit her just as much as it fit me. It had to; someone doesn't just get stuck with the name Taylor because they liked the sound. It isn't a very attractive one.
I like to imagine sometimes that I knew who this other Taylor was, who the other soul was that shared a name I dislike so much. Did she ever have people coming up to her, calling her Tyler? Did she speak her own name with toxin at the tip of her tongue because she despised it so much?

I like to think that she and I are of the same bunch. I like to think that she was just as chaotic and nervous and frustrated at my age as I am now. I like to think that she did things that she knows were terrible to herself, but she wears them like battle scars from a vicious battle. I like to think that she got through the vaporous fog that blocked her eyes from the sun, and it warmed her skin instantly.

At school, I have the continuous fear of my name being said. Most say it in a pleased tone, but the way it sounds makes me cringe. It sounds like a man spiting into a cup after having tobacco in his mouth for too long. It sounds like the dissatisfied groan of a parent whose child came home with a C in a subject that he used to be good in.

My yearning for changing my name is such a big one. The first day of school, I wanted so urgently to call out, “don’t call me Taylor, call me…” but call me what? Perhaps Samantha, Elliot, Eve, or Jasper. Yes, I think that Jasper is best.