Equinox

I sat on the beach and watched as the moon hit the lake. It reminded me of the early days when all of my friends and I would gather to party all night long. The booze and weed flowed freely; everything was in abundance during that time. After everyone was high, our clothes would come off and the orgy would start.

“Thinking about all of the Autumn Equinoxes that we spent here?” Spencer asked, sitting next to me. I was surprised to see him, it had been a while since we had last spoke. I lifted a bottle of beer to my lips and took a swig. “Those were really good times. It’s a shame that no one’s around anymore. You’re the only one who hasn’t moved on yet.”

Gently I placed the beer down and stood up. I took off my swim trunks, the way that we used to do, then ran into the cold water. Tears slipped down my face, it was too much to think about. All I wanted to was forget, coming back to this place was supposed to ease the pain that I felt. “Come on in, Spence! The water isn’t cold yet.”

He wouldn’t come in, he never did. The warm water washed over me, submerged me as I went further and further out. There was a dock, a place where we went when the cops started coming around and threatening to take us to jail. When I made it to the wood platform, I pulled myself up and was surprised to see TJ waiting for me. “Hey D, took you long enough. I mean what the hell man. It’s hard being naked by yourself.”

“Man, it’s so good to see you! How have you been?”

“Dead. Dude, I died a long time ago. You know that. I don’t know why you forget that.” The wind was sucked out of me. TJ had died in a drunken driving accident 15 years ago on this very night. He was the love of my life and yet he wanted nothing to do with me, unless I supplied him with alcohol or weed. The night he died, we had a huge fight about the copious amount he drank and he took off. His death was on me. I caused him to die.

With tears falling down my face, I jumped back into the water and swam back to shore. The sand stuck to my toes as I fell back onto my towel. A loud sob escaped from my mouth as more tears fell from my eyes. Spence cooed in my ear, “Baby, no more tears. We all made our decisions and none of us died unhappy. My only regret was never getting you to settle down with me. The sex, the drugs, the alcohol, and the partying was fun. We all knew that we were taking a risk and none of us changed our minds.”

“But why you guys and not me? Why am I the only one who had survived? It’s not fair; I was doing the same thing as you guys. TJ died in that accident, you died of an overdose. Everyone else was either killed or died of a disease. How is it that I am the only one who is left standing? I don’t want to live any more. I don’t want to see you guys every time I come to the beach or I go to the hospital. If anything I want to party with you guys in Heaven and be part of the group again. No one talks to me here; my family wants nothing to do with me. I have no friends; everyone in town thinks that I am a curse since you guys died. I am all alone.”

When I looked around Spence was nowhere to be found. He always hated it when I talked about how bad my life was. Once again I was all alone, I picked up the bottle of sleeping pills that I brought with me. The sweet sound the pilled hitting against one another and the bottle brought a smile to my face. Soon I could be with my friends, and we could once again celebrate the coming of the fall, the end of the summer. “Spence? Are you still here? I miss you! Come back! You and TJ both. I need you guys here.”

The bottle of vodka I bought before I got to the beach sat on the sand, tempting me. I twisted the cap and when it came off, poured some into my mouth. It burned as I swallowed it, but I dumped more into my mouth, “Here’s to the end of Summer! To the beginning of the rest of my life.”

I set the bottle of alcohol back down and picked up the pills again. The cap was on tight and seemed to not want to come off. If the goal was to make it hard to kill yourself, then the manufacturer succeeded in their mission. There was no good reason for it to be this hard to get pills that were needed to finish a very important job. Frustrated, I threw the bottle down and decided to go a different way.
My car was parked up on the hill, so I trekked to it. In the glove box was a gun, something that I kept for my protection. Undesirables had moved in, and my friends’ families all blamed me for their deaths. They were right, it was my fault. I should have stopped them from doing the things that we did but it was so much fun.

The cold metal was heavy in my hand, maybe I shouldn’t do this. As the seconds counted down to the start of fall, I tried to find a reason to live. There was none, there was no reason for me to go on. I pulled the safety. I put the barrel in my mouth, I pulled the trigger and was finally at peace.