Portal Parody

I said “Hi.”, he said “Humph.”
Our first meeting was not a great success
I would have liked a more polite reaction
Relationship science
The one field I do not understand
I asked, “Could there be an ‘us’?”
He said, “I’d rather be dead!”

But it’s no good crying when the haters gonna hate
I’ll just keep on trying till we go on a date
Even though I’m a nerd
Not with the cheerleading herd
I will try to let my love survive

I guess if I want him
To be with me every single day
I could get some kidnappers to steal him
Or maybe a big net
That's under the tree by which he runs
Love is such a pain because
It can't be surgically removed

Now I'll try some makeup; I'll ask Mom to help me
And I'll stalk the chic cliques that he thinks are pretty
I guess rejection is cool
Cause I see it all round school
I don't know how those kids all survive

Now I'm a model
I saw him with another girl
But he left her, walked in my direction
His smile was cocky
He must have thought I was a ditz
He said, “It's your lucky day.”
I told him, “You can drop dead!”

"Cause when I was ugly you proved you were a jerk
Now I've got a boyfriend, he's into metalwork."
And when I had said that
I felt a strong and loving pat
As my guy asked, "Does he need a dive?"

“The lake is right there; he could dive.
I can promise that he will arrive
Nice and wet, but that he will survive.”
Then the jerk took off at overdrive,
And my boyfriend took me for a drive.

What a drive!
I’m alive!