Death by Hunger

         I always said I wouldn’t be like her, but as I look around my room at three in the morning I see I failed myself. Maybe if I hadn’t been so desperate I wouldn’t be in this position. Thomas rolls over and grunts throwing his heavy arm over the length of my body. The scent of him reminds me of the first time we met.

         It was a year ago and I was at a friend’s party. She had promised me the time of my life after breaking up with Neil Mason. Neil was 5’7 and a whole bag of worthless. We dated for a few months, but he never tried to make a better life for us. He thought his apartment in the slums was perfect for us. Don’t get me wrong I am not Miss prissy, but I am above the slums. For Christ sakes I work as a paralegal at a law firm. I deserved better than a guy who only worked as at a bar on the weekends cleaning up. Not even a bouncer or bartender; what was I thinking? I was promised this party would make me forget all about him and boy it did. That night I met Thomas “Tommy” Hagemeyer. He was 6’2 and built. He could probably pick me up and throw me across the room. I would find out later that picking me up was no problem for him at all.

         Tommy sliding his hand under my gown brought me out of memory lane. Just looking at him made me want to hurl all over him. I thought I had gotten better, but I'd gotten worse. Neil at least made an honest living, but didn’t have the motivation for more in life. Tommy won me over with his flashy house, car, and the promise of the world. That desperate heart of mine fell for everything before my brain knew any better. I would find out four months later that not all of Tommy’s money was honest. His hand is riding higher. I hate when he is high. I decide that since I am up; some late night house work would be best for me. I slide out of bed quietly and head for the laundry home to start the wash.

          “How did this become my life?” I wonder out loud as I separate clothes. I remember back to my childhood and my mother pops into my head. She was a not good explain when it came to the type of men to date. My father was a complete loser and my mother stayed with him long enough to have my brother and me. Before meeting her husband she dated men in between who were no better. Drugs and alcohol is all these men knew. Heck that is all my mother knew our grandmother took care of us for the most part. I promised myself I wouldn’t follow down the same path. What happened to me?

          I crushed all through high school until my senior year when I was checking out colleges. I met Brett Johnson 5’9”, blonde hair, blue eyes, and a junior in college. I choose Morehead University just because of him. Don’t get me wrong I got my education, but I also got educated in other things as well. I spent every free minute when I wasn’t in class in Brett's bed, the back of his car, and wherever else we could find. I thought we were in love until I caught him in bed with another girl. That was the end of us and my freshmen year of college. I spent my next three years in and out of beds of whoever would have me. I wore my heart on my sleeve and desperately wanted to be loved. For that reason I thought every man that showed me attention was it.

          Placing the first load of laundry in the dryer I remember something Brett had told me a couple of months ago. I happened to go back to Morehead for homecoming and ran into Brett. How I hated that man for what he did to me. During the social time before the homecoming Brett came up to me and introduced me to his wife. I couldn’t help, but think wow he cleaned up his act. While talking to some old friends he came up to me and asked could he have a word with me. As much as I hated him I wouldn’t show this anger in front of others. I remember this conservation like it was yesterday.

          “What do you want?”

          “I want to apologize to you. I treated you wrong when we were together.” He said rubbing my arm.          “When I met Nicole and fell in love all I could think about was the way I treated you and how wrong it was.”

          “Oh, is that so? I faintly remember then that you didn’t care you were sleeping with other women and that I should be okay with it.”

          “I thought because you had me most of the time and I threw ‘I Love You’ out there that should have been okay. I felt at that time I gave you what you needed and wanted. It took me growing up more and meeting Nicole to truly understand what I did and you actions after that.”

          “What do you mean my actions?”

          “Oh come on Jen, I know you slept with my friends and my friend’s friends.”

          “So your saying I became a ho?” I said with anger in my tone. How dare he judge me when he cheated on me.

          “No, that is not what I am saying. There is this quote by Cervantes that goes ‘ Hunger is the best sauce in the world.’ It reminds me of you. I hope that one day you push down the hunger for love, so you can wait for someone who truly loves you for you.”

         “Jennifer!!!!” I heard Tommy yelling while coming down the stairs. I knew he was not happy. He didn’t allow me to leave the bed other than to go to the restroom. At that point I knew Brett was right I jump from one relationship to another and they all sounded good until I was full sort of speak.

         “I am in the laundry room.” I yelled out while finishing folding the clothes I had gotten done. As fast as I spoke his huge frame was blocking the door.

         “Now you know that I hate to sleep alone Jen baby.” He said with that cocky grin I hated.

          “I know but I couldn’t sleep, so thought I would get come cleaning done.”

          “You should have woken me up. I was worried about you.” He said running his rough hand down my face then down the front of my chest. I knew where he was going with this. In few minutes I would be naked on top of the washer and arguing would just bring punishment to me. Tommy reminded me every day that I was his and would be his forever. Every day I remember that quote that Brett told me. When I think of it I see homeless eating out of trash cans and how every now and then the food makes them sick and how one day it can kill. Brett tried to save my life, but I went back to the food I found in the trash and he makes me sick every day. By God he will be the death of me.