Chabder 3

Chapter 2: Fat Women, Retards, and Babies

I awoke. I could barely see anything at first, until I realized I woke up in what looked like a hospital room. Something seemed off though. Everything was gray, everything except me. I was sleeping in a gray bed, surrounded by gray walls, while wearing gray pajamas. What kind of hospital is is? I tried to get out of bed. “Tried” isn't a very good word because when I got up there was no pain at all, like I thought.
Wait a sec. There's no doors to get out. What the hell is this? Maybe I'm still dreaming. Yea, I'm probably dreaming. No, this feels too real to be a dream. All of the sudden, a gray humanoid object emerged from the wall I was facing. This is some real creepy shit. Then this thing spoke, In a inhuman voice that sounded similar to nails on a chalkboard “Hello Mr. Simmons, you have a very important event to attend to.” This guy was creepy, how the hell did he know my last name? I replied “Where am I? Answer me or I'll...”
The thing interrupted me “I'm sorry but we have no time for this Mr. Simmons, we have to go right now.”
The thing grabbed me by the arm and pulled me through the wall. Suddenly I was in another room. Everything was still gray, and the room was dimly lit to where I just just barely make out that the room was gray. I was sitting in a chair, in the middle of a room. Nothing was happening. Goddamn I got into shit before, but not like this. Then I heard this raspy, creepy, deep voice, from what sounded like it was coming from all around the room. “You have a very, very bad report Mr. Simmons.” Immediately, I looked all around the room for speakers. The scary thing is is that I couldn't find any. That low voice said again “You can't see me in this room, but I see you.” I jumped out of my chair and ordered “I demand to know where you are you creepy son of a bitch!”
“Isn't it obvious where I am. I'm blatantly standing before you, all around you.” I then heard what sounded like a whisper that sounded like it came from right next to my ears. “I am the dark that is surrounding you right at this very instant.” I was scared shitless. Out of fear, I demanded “Who are you, what am I doing here? Tell me this instant!”
The voice replied “Death. I think your second question was already answered, don't you agree?”
I was blown out of my mind. I had to get out. I tried looking for doors in this room. Death spoke again. “Looks like today's a very lucky day for you, you should be downstairs for things you've done as a child, let's see, you got in fights at school, once a month to be precise. Almost never did what you're told as a child, and killing someone of your own kind. Anyways, you surprisingly get to go upstairs. Someone wants to see you.”
I saw a part of the room illuminate. The light shown a door. I ran as fast as fast as I could to that door. When I got inside, The scene was way different. I was staring at a staircase, everything in this room was now white. On the top of the stairs was another door. I ran up the stairs. Something then just crossed my mind. Death said I killed someone, someone of my own kind. I admit I fought people, I don't remember killing anyone though, and why am I going to what seems like heaven? I opened the door. I found what didn't look like heaven, but neither hell either. It was a dim room. There was a TV, there was a fat woman on a couch watching it. There was also millions of babies everywhere. I didn't know what the floor looked like at all. I also saw what looked like retards, I knew because of their random incoherent screaming.
The fat woman barked “SHUT THE F**K UP!” at the retards. They went quiet. The fat woman looked at me, she suddenly had a nice tone to her voice and said “Well how are you doing today?” I awkwardly replied “Good.” What is going on here? Is this supposed to be heaven? “Sit down here” She said, she pointed to a spot I could sit on the couch. I awkwardly sat on the spot. “Allow me to introduce myself, I am god.” She explained.
Am I high? Not saying I'm addicted to anything, but really, am I high? Did someone put weed in something I ate lately? What the absolute f**k is going on?
“It's okay my child, you're in heaven.” She informed, I was still speechless, and yet I had so many questions. “Please ask any questions you have Dan.” She said.
“What's up with all the babies and retards?”
“Those are the people who have entered heaven, my child, in fact you're the only somewhat intelligent form that ever got here.”
“Um, okay. Why am I the only intelligent human here?”
“You see, humans down there have deluded themselves into thinking they can wash all their sins by drenching yourself in water that's used to combat demons, it doesn’t do anything and it pretty much means that if you had a short life to not really do anything, or have a life where people do things for you, then you're probably going to end up here. You are going to do great things, and face many obstacles Dan.” She explained.
“Thanks?”
“Any other questions?”
This question always stuck with me. “Why don't you use the world like your playground, you can put T-rexes into present time so why not?”
“I did for a while, sometimes I do that here and there, but now I usually just watch humans.” She nodded her multi-chinned head in the direction of the TV she was watching. On it I saw what was me in a hospital bed, with my mother crying over my body. I wanted to speak but God interrupted me. “You know the funniest thing that humans think is that I actually care about them, I don't at all. I only made humanity for the sole purpose of entertainment. I want a war movie? I look at what's happening in the Middle East. I want a romantic comedy set in a romantic place. I try and find a couple in Paris. Or maybe a action movie? I look at what's happening in the ghetto.”
I finally got to speak. “So you don't care about me at all?”
God replied “Nope, I just you to be in one of the best action movies I've ever seen.”
Suddenly, a gaping hole appeared on the floor. God grabbed me it's fat, sweaty hands, and threw me down the hole.
I suddenly woke up, in a bed. My mother was in a corner crying. She looked up and saw my eyes open. “Oh my god.” she said quietly. “You're alright!” She ran from across the room and hugged me with the force python squeezing the life out of it's prey. “Oh my god, my baby is okay.” She exclaimed. “What were you doing at the store? Who was that man that came downstairs?” A woman came through the door in a nurse's uniform. “Visiting times are over you have to leave miss.”
“Just wait a sec...”
“I'm sorry miss but you'll have to leave.” She looked at me in the eye. “Goodbye.”
“Goodbye.”
I look at the clock, 10:01pm. Better rest.
I awake to a loud noise, sounds like yelling, I couldn't make out the words. I then hear more comprehensible yelling, “Sorry sir, but visiting times are over!” Which was followed by a gunshot. What the hell? Two figures emerged from the doorway, it was those black market guys. There were two other guys I didn't know with an escorted old man who was Chinese, I could tell from the eyes (not racist). The old man took a seat on a chair. He softly whispered “You did a unexpected good job for unexpected circumstances Dan.”
“Thanks.”
I heard police sirens outside.
“We don't have a lot of time it seems, anyway, since you did a very, very, good job, I also paid for the hospital bills.”
“Thanks.”
“When you recover, come to my restaurant, I think you know where it is, you have some work to do.”
“Thanks.”
He put a wad of money on my nightstand.
“I guess I should leave, see you later.”
“Thanks.”
They left, and I'm pretty sure I heard more gunshots coming from the hallway, are they going to bribe the police again? Probably. Whatever, I really need to recover from all this bullshit.