A Hearts Wounds

         As tears well up in the corners of my eyes, my life flashes in front of me. All the memories of me and Lenah, all our firsts. The first time I tried to drink was with her, the first time I kissed a boy was with her. All of these things will now be invaded with lasts, I sit there remembering the last time I smiled with her, to cry, to step, breath, to blink. Those little things just cram into my thoughts making me think about them more. Then my thoughts changed to firsts again, but this time I though about them in a different different way. The first thing that popped up on my mind was this is the first time I cried with out her. Well, then I think deeper unable to control it. I think about the the first time I breathed without her, first blink, first heart beat, the first movement, thought, kiss, hug, pain, EVERYTHING! It doesn't feel right at all.

I was sitting in the the the hospital room when Josh told me the news. The warmth of his arms which were wrapped around my torso soothed me, but it didn't take away the guilt and the undefinable pain which lingered inside my heart, and pulled at my gut. The butterflies from anxiety never went away, which made me sit and stew about what happened even more.

I pulled away from is grasp and looked him in the eyes. His baby blue eyes had been glossier than I have ever seen them. His eyes were a little red and puffy around the edges, I could tell he'd been crying, but I must have been before he showed up. He has always thought that he needs to have a strong exterior, though he isn't fooling anyone right now. There is a tone of sincerity and love to his eyes too, that just looking in his eyes made me forget for a millisecond that my best friend is dead. But solitude never lasts long because my mind some how finds a way to think about it again.

I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out but a couple of sobs. He kissed my forehead and the rests his cheek over the place his lips just comforted.
"Its going to be okay, we'll get through this. You will get through this." He encouraged but I didn't listen. My thoughts were somewhere else, on all the memories of me and Lenah. Scene by scene by scene.
I cried harder, and Josh caressed me tighter and whispered "It's okay, this will all be okay." I heard him better this time but I didn't agree with him. Coming from someone who know what it is like to loose someone special to you, at the moment it feels like darkness, grief, and sadness, and you find yourself wondering if this hurt will even end. I would have told him he was wrong I was to shaken to say so and I probably wouldn't have made any sense from the delirious crying fit I'm having at the moment.
I mean my best friend is dead an of course I'm going to cry, and given the situation of what all when down the night of the accident (Which I don't remember at all) you would be out of your damn mind if you think that I wouldn't be taking the blame for it. I mean, I was with her when she died.

I don't really remember what happened the night of the accident, but there are flashes of slowly moving pictures that come into my thoughts but they vanish as quickly as that had come, leaving a dusting of frustration in my mind because I can't grasp anything from that night. The accident happened two weeks ago but I heard about the accident this morning. I was found two miles away from the scene with two broken ribs, a fractured collar bone and cheek bone, and brain trauma. I was walking around babbling like a psycho(Or so I was told).

We had been at her house, and we had plans to meet up with her boyfriend and Josh and Josh's house. She didn't want to go because. One it was raining, and two her and Eric had just gotten into a fight and I was forcing her to work stuff out. We were crossing the street and then I don't remember! There's like this big huge gap like a puzzle that can't be completed 'cause there's no piece to put in it. Sometimes flashes of dark shadow like objects, and the sound of screams pop into my head, and I try to grasp it but the thought is to heave to hold so it falls out of my reach.

The doctor said I have been doing really well, knowing my condition. My memories are all there except from that night! Why can't I remember the night that will solve everything?

God, I don't know what the heck I did to have my friend die, but don't you think I should at least remember it? Why don't you take the memory when I got pantsed in the middle of a basketball game, and I was wearing a thong. I thought that was traumatizing. Boy, was I wrong.

The doctor says that what is going on with my thoughts is normal, but I just find it frustrating and inconvenient, and they have been causing these killer head aches.

I just want her back. I won't even get the chance to see her again. Since I missed her funeral and all! My mom said she recorded it, but I feel like it's weird, wrong, and disrespect full so I refuse to watch it. Especially because the fact that it is open casket and she is dead. She's a body with no soul. I can hope that its not true all I want but I know I can hide from reality that long. I'm expecting for her to walk through the doorway and jump out and say SURPRISE but she doesn't. I stare at the doorway for a little while, but no Lenah.