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Rated: 18+ · Fiction · Dark · #1937815
This is the first two chapters of a fantasy book i am writing. Im looking for criticism.
Chapter One
Friends & Foes


Aldar Xylan awoke in to a dream world. Only this dream was unlike any other he had had before. He was in the midst of a deadly, raging inferno. All that he had known for the entirety of his life was now consumed by fire and destroyed. He rubbed his eyes to clear his vision. His emotions were overcome by immense terror as he saw the ghastly scene that lay in front of him. All that had known for the entirety of his life was now consumed by fire and destroyed. His home for all of his eighteen years was in flames, threatening to collapse under its own weight as the support arches were disintegrating. All his worldly possessions had crumbled to ash, memories obliterated in the blink of an eye.
He saw his parents, on the far side of the room, tied together by a terrifying creature. It was the embodiment of fire. It had a face of contained flame. It made Aldar feel emotions he had never felt before. Raw hatred, unlimited pain and a uncontrollable want to eradicate the monster from existence. Aldar gazed at his parents. Their faces held expressions of suffering, but also of acceptance and pride.  His mother looked at him and said in a sorrowful, quivering voice.
‘We do this for you, son.’
He tried to speak, but a lump swelled in his throat. All he could do was stare in to his mother’s eyes, and an overwhelming twist of guilt grew within him. He turned to the creature and begged within his own mind, unable to voice his plead.
Kill me instead! He yelled within. Please! I will do anything you want with me, just let them free! Cold tears slid from his eyes as he waited for the creature’s response, hoping that it could hear his mind’s voice. The creature tightened its grip on his parents.
‘You will fail them,’ it taunted in a deep, hiss of a voice. ‘Now you shall watch as they die and witness what your life will cause.’ The flames of the creature tightened, grew, and licked around his parents’ bodies, enveloping them in the burning fire.
Their voices erupted in to ear-wrenching screams and Aldar’s heart shattered as he watched their eyes evaporate in to thin air and their skin char. They fell to ash from the intense heat of the fire creature until their bodies were mere piles of ash on the floor.
Aldar fell helplessly to his knees. Their horrifying scream was haunting his mind. The creature morphed in to an almost humanoid form and stood before him. It kicked the ashes of his parents across the floor and in to the flames.
‘Their deaths were your fault,’ the creature bellowed. ‘They are dead because of your failures and your selfishness.’ Aldar cowered on the floor, frozen in the presence of such a being.  No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t summon the strength to move away.
‘For years, you have remained unaware of your powers,’ the creature said, spouting fire, ‘and when you discover your abilities, you will kill the innocent, help the greedy and befriend the evil.’ The creature spat a flame in Aldar’s face and he screamed in agony as he felt his skin blister.
The creature leapt at him with a deadly snarl, fire spouting from its every orifice. The flames of its face shifted to form a deadly sneer. He stared back, still clutching his face in pain.

Aldar yelled out and sat up. His heart was pounding faster than ever before. He felt the sweat dripping down his face as he curled up in to a small ball at the top of his bed, shaking. He was at home. His father burst through the door.
‘Aldar!’ he squealed, his voice breaking with worry. ‘Are you okay?’ Aldar turned to see his father alive and well. He was overjoyed that it had all been a figment of his imagination.
‘I-I’m f-fine now,’ he said in a quivering voice. He wiped the sweat away and looked around the room for even a hint of fire… there wasn’t even a single, glittering ember. He relaxed and lay back.
‘Are you sure?’ his father asked.
‘Yeah,’ he said, feeling a stab of guilt for waking his father up in the middle of the night, ‘It was just a bad nightmare.’ His father nodded and left the room, closing the door on his way out.
Aldar breathed a sigh of relief and closed his eyes. He began to drift back to sleep when he heard something. It was a faint, whispering voice at the back of his mind that ended with a deep hiss.
‘It’s only a matter of time.’

*    *    *    *

The dark of night was at its deepest point. Nothing was visible across all of Stanton. There wasn’t even a silhouette of a building visible against the night sky. It was total, black darkness.
Amela Xylan walked along the outskirts of Stanton. She summoned a glowing hand light to illuminate her path. In her other hand, she carried a black box. This should be a safe enough place, she thought. Amela halted in a small grassy clearing. In the distance, she could see a cave.
Aldar will find out soon enough. The thought sent feelings of sympathy swirling around her mind. It is impossible to know how he will react. I hope that, in time, he will grow to forgive me.
The hand light darkened to a slight glimmer. Amela muttered a faint incantation and the grass in front of her sparked and a wall of smoke erupted in front of her. She waved the smoke away with her hand. As it faded, the image of a man came in to view. He wore a long trench coat and a worn out hat. His hair was grey and he had a scruffy beard.
‘Hello, Amela,’ he said. ‘Am I to assume it is time?’
‘Yes,’ she replied. ‘The day has come and the nightmares have started. You must travel to the Lake of Faria immediately. I will ensure that Aldar meets you there. I am getting help from an old friend.’
‘An old friend besides me?’ the man said wryly. ‘I didn’t know the Xylan family had any other friends left.’
‘I don’t know if she is still alive,’ Amela said. ‘But she has helped me nonetheless.’ The man hesitated and looked down.
‘It will not be the same without you or your husband,’ the man said with a grim smile.
‘We will miss you too Valtonaire,’ Amela said. ‘We shall see you in the next life, I expect.’
‘You know my views on that,’ Valtonaire said.
‘I certainly do, old friend.’ Amela held the box forward, undid its clasp and opened it. ‘This is how you shall identify my son,’ she said. ‘He will be wearing this at all times.’
Valtonaire looked at the contents of the box with interest. ‘I see,’ he said. ‘What is it?’
‘It is the key,’ Amela said.
‘Trust you to avoid a straight answer,’ Valtonaire said with another grim smile. There was a short pause as Amela and Valtonaire considered the events that were to come.
‘Do you give me your word that you will do your best?’ Amela asked.
‘I do.’
‘Very well,’ Amela said. ‘I am afraid this is goodbye, then.’
‘Indeed,’ Valtonaire said. ‘Goodbye.’
The communication faded and was replaced by a wall of smoke. Amela muttered another incantation and the smoke disappeared. With a heavy sigh, Amela turned and began the walk back. Tomorrow is going to be a difficult day, she thought as she reached the door of her home.

*    *    *    *

The Empire Chamber was elaborately designed. Many paintings of victories from the Ackruar Civil War hung on the walls, framed in spirals of gold. Garth Tamberi sat upon his throne. He wore his silver and gold crown, with features similar to the crenulations of a castle tower, under which his long dark hair sprawled down the sides of his face as he consulted the map which lay on the large, circular table in front of him.
He was contemplating the organisation of the year’s requisitions. By his side, sat his male Advisor and the Ambassador of the people of Ackruar: Isaac Qusseth. Opposite him, sat the High Leader of Requisitions: Samul Dionell. Garth glanced at the man. He was surprisingly young for his position, but he was also cunning and intelligent. 
Garth scratched the scar that ran along his chin as he thought about the man’s potential. He may prove very useful over the next few years, he thought. He could increase requisitions three-fold.
‘Emperor,’ Samul said, ‘I believe that if we rearrange the army march schedule, there is a chance that the farmers would be more susceptible to a rise in requisitions. It would spark greater respect for the army and the Empire, and I believe this would encourage the public to co-operate to a greater extent with the armed forces.’
‘So... you’re recommending increased army marches?’ Garth questioned.
‘Yes, Emperor.’ The man smiled, clearly pleased that he had attracted the Emperor’s attention, Garth grinned at the man’s excitement.
‘How many a day would be more prudent? Perhaps a...’
‘Emperor,’ Vius Aheil said loudly as he entered through the Empire Chamber’s tall metal doors. He hobbled to Garth’s side, leaning heavily on a cane, and went down on one knee with a struggle. ‘It has awoken.’
‘Arise, Vius Aheil,’ Garth said. He watched as the elderly Vius straightened and leaned even heavier on his cane. ‘What has awoken?’
‘The Great Fire,’ he said with a gleam of excitement in his eyes. Garth stood rapidly.
‘Excuse me,’ he said to those present, ‘we must continue another time. I have a very urgent matter to attend to.’
‘Indeed we must,’ Samul Dionell said before rising and bowing slightly to the Emperor.
Isaac Qusseth nodded. A man of few words, Garth thought fondly before the Vius tugged on his cape.
‘Emperor,’ he said. ‘We must go now. He grows impatient.’
‘Proceed,’ Garth replied.
The Vius turned to the door and quickly passed through it. Garth followed the Vius through several corridors in the Palace until they reached another set of metal doors. It had a strange symbol embedded on it. The Vius pushed the door open and went inside. Garth followed.
Inside was ablaze with light. On the other side of the room stood a figure of fire. It wore a cloak that impossibly refused to burn and a metal mask that gave its face a terrible set of teeth and glazed eyes of fire. The heat of the room was intense and Garth was awed by the almighty majesty of the figure.
There was a cage in the middle of the room that circled around a young child. He looked no older than fifteen years old. He wore only rags and shackles kept him imprisoned within the cage. 
Garth went down on his knees and said, ‘Great Fire, I, your loyal servant, shall now make a sacrifice to seal our covenant.’
The metal mask inclined to tell Garth to proceed. With a wide smile, Garth stood and drew and ceremonial knife from his belt. It was long and thin and had a handle made of volcanic stone. He approached the cage. The boy screamed and flailed madly inside it. Garth opened the door of the cage and unlocked the shackles. The boy burst out in a fury of attacks. Garth gave the boy a swift jab to the neck. A large crack was heard and the boy began to choke. He fell to the floor in agony. Garth approached with the knife held firmly in his right hand.
He clutched the boy’s head with his left hand and pried open his mouth. Garth clasped the boys tongue and cut. The screaming stopped to be replaced by muffles of choking on blood. The Vius stood with a smile at the back of the room whilst the sacrifice was being made.
Finally, the mutilated boy gave up and fell to the floor. He had conceded to the fact that he was doomed to death. His eyes had been gouged out and he had several cuts all over his body. Garth approached the boy and picked him up by his hair.
‘My Lord!’ Garth proclaimed. ‘I sacrifice this boy to demonstrate my servitude to you in the hope that our covenant will prove to be successful!’
Garth ran the knife across the boy’s throat and blood spurted out. The boy’s eyes widened and he clutched his throat. Within moments he lay limp on the floor.
The Great Fire turned to regard the boy. It extended the flames of its hand forward and lifted the body. He was quickly consumed by the fire and all that remained was ash.
‘I thank you, my Lord!’ Garth said.
‘And you will again, in time.’ the fire creature said in a thunderous voice.






Chapter Two
The Army


The following morning, Aldar’s father nudged him awake.
‘Come on,’ he said, nudging him again. ‘It’s time to get up.’ Aldar opened his eyes and watched as his father took the wooden window blockers down, letting the sun illuminate the room. He squinted and cringed away from the light.
‘Looks good today,’ his father said as he looked out into the horribly sunny day. Aldar never did like the sun.
‘We have a hard day’s work ahead,’ his father said, ‘come down stairs, breakfast will be ready soon.’ Then he turned and left the room. Aldar rubbed his eyes to waken himself up and rolled out of bed on to the floor.
What is wrong with me this morning? he thought as he tried to pull himself to his feet. His legs wobbled and it took a good while before he could stand.          
He walked to the wooden cupboard on the other side of my room, clinging to the walk for stability.
What is going on? Aldar wondered. Could it be a reaction to that nightmare? He opened his cupboard and put on a pair of black breeches and a black tunic. He opened the door of his room and felt dizzy. He wobbled in place for a while, until he managed to stabilise himself and went downstairs.
When he left the house, he saw a procession of Tamberi Empire army soldiers marching through the village. This was a routine event in Stanton. The march contained around twenty soldiers, which was quite a heavy military presence for such as small village.
The soldiers wore the finest of armours, nearly all crafted by Aldar’s father. They wore helmets made of thick, shiny metal which each had two fang-like tusks protruding forwards from the base. They wore the same metal in their body, arm and leg armour plates. The top of the body plate of each soldier, had a broach attached to each shoulder which held a long cape and hood to their backs, both marked with the Tamberi emblem. The emblem held a large “T” to represent the Emperor and “Stanton” written above it to signify where they were based.
The colours of their capes varied in accordance to the soldier’s individual rank. All the soldiers held a sword and shield with the Tamberi emblem on it. However, many of the soldiers also held additional weapons, such as single-shot pistols, crossbows, knives, axes, hammers. Some soldiers even preferred bows due to their higher level of reliability when compared to pistols and crossbows. Some soldiers also managed to achieve a much faster rate of fire using a bow than a pistol or a crossbow.
Many believe the purpose of these marches was to display the power and achievements of the Tamberi Empire. Aldar had a different opinion. He thought that these marches were used to develop an ambience of fear towards the Empire. The marches showed the impenetrable force of the army and the ruthlessness of the Emperor, Garth Tamberi. He believed the Emperor held the marches to maintain the sense of power they evoked and allowed the horrific actions of army soldiers in order to induce fear in to the minds of the people.
Aldar’s father joined him outside the house. He was a man of considerable height. He had bushy, black hair on the top of his head which thinned as it came down both sides of his face to join with his faint beard. His dull green eyes glinted in the sunlight and his large nose shined gloriously. He was wearing brown overalls with the sleeves pulled up and a dark grey apron. In the top right corner of the apron there was the Ackruar symbol of the Blacksmith. It was in the shape of a shield, with the initials “BSA” embedded on it, to signify that he was a member of the “Blacksmith Society of Ackruar”.
Aldar’s father owned the only blacksmith shop in Stanton. He was known for his extraordinary blade-crafting skills and people came from far away parts of Ackruar to purchase a blade from him.
Aldar was a blacksmith’s apprentice. He loved the work, even though it was difficult and often involved extensive hours of labour. But it was a good way to spend the day and pass time, not to mention the bonus of a decent pay. The heavy workload for that particular day was due to a large order his father had recently received from the Stanton military barracks.
‘Avoid eye contact and keep with me,’ his father said. They proceeded to walk around the soldiers. Aldar stayed behind him, with his eyes focusing on the path. Suddenly, his father halted and Aldar nearly walked straight in to the back of him. He was staring at a man at the back of the group of soldiers.
The man wasn’t wearing the same uniform as the soldiers. He wore similar armour, although it was decorated with gold lining and very extravagant swirls in some places. He had shoulder length blonde hair which looked as if every hair had been carefully designated to a position on his head. ‘HALT!’ the man barked in a shocking squeak of a voice. The man brushed his fingers through his hair and walked flamboyantly towards them.
‘Hello, Mr Xylan,’ the man said in his high-toned voice. ‘How is my order coming along?’
‘Hello, Emmel,’ Aldar’s father replied with annoyance in his voice. ‘Your order is coming along just fine.’
‘Good, Mikal... If I must regard you by your first name’ the man said with an aggravated grimace. ‘Well, at least you people can keep to a schedule, and it’s Captain Faviar now,’ he said with a sneer.
‘Since when were you a Captain?’ his father asked with a suppressed growl and a glance towards Faviar’s yellow cape.
‘Oh Mikal,’ Faviar said, shaking his head and putting his hands on his hips in a sloppy attempt at a heroic pose. ‘A man in your position could not hope to even gain a vague understanding on how the army ranking system works. Put simply, I was recognised for my dashing brilliance, my fox-like cunning and let’s not forget my superb standing in the local community trade. I’ll have you know that this village relies on imports from my family’s timber and iron suppliers’. He took in a deep breath in and stuck his chest out with a strange grin on his face.
‘So, not for your ability to provide security?’ his father asked with a hint of a smirk.
‘Be careful now, Mikal,’ Faviar said venomously, ‘we wouldn’t want this son of yours to meet an untimely end due to your loose tongue now, would we?’ He asked rhetorically, gesturing with an armoured hand towards Aldar.
His father seemed taken aback, as if he had suddenly been slapped in the face. ‘I am sorry for my rudeness, sir’ he said with the faintest note of a bow.
‘Not to worry,’ Faviar said with a grim smile, ‘Just watch your tongue from now on.’
‘I shall,’ he said, a trickle of fear now running through his voice.
‘Now, I will return to my march’ Faviar said, ‘I await news of my order’s completion.’ Faviar turned with a wave of his yellow cape and strode down after the procession of his troops.
‘Arrogant git,’ his father muttered as they continued their walk.
For a while Aldar and his father remained silent as they walked through Stanton Market.
‘You know, I grew up with Emmel Faviar,’ he said in an irritated tone.
‘Really?’ Aldar asked.
‘Oh yes,’ he said, ‘but he was very different then. Heck! So was I. We had this idea that we could change the Empire. We weren’t revolutionaries or anything, but we thought we could improve it from within... for the little people like us.’
‘What happened to him?’ Aldar asked.
‘He joined the army,’ he said with a shrug as we walked further through the Market. ‘He told me he was going to become a Sergeant and take his ideas to the higher-ups. The power went to his head.’ His father shook his head as they walked on. ‘He started to abuse his authority. He looted shops, shot people that were stealing to keep their children from starvation and abused folk. He changed into just another parasitic soldier, drunk with power.’ His father sighed and silence took over the conversation.
They walked past many shops in the Market, all of which were in fairly good business and well respected, except for an old, decrepit-looking apothecary named “Marlim’s Magical Medicines”. It seemed to have at one point been involved in a fire as there were black burn marks around the outside of the windows. Aldar wanted to investigate the building further. However, since his father was in a bit of a hurry, he realised that now was not the time.
Eventually, they reached the blacksmith premises. It was at the far end of Stanton market, in a prominent position and of easy access to most Stanton citizens. It had a sign above the door with a welding hammer and a sword positioned across each other and “Xylan Blacksmith” written below. His father unlocked the large wooden door and pushed it open for Aldar. The blacksmith was filled with many racks holding various pieces of weaponry, the most prominent of which being a large circular pillar in the middle which held what looked like over a hundred different swords. ‘Alright then, Aldar,’ his father said, ‘you set up the furnace and I’ll get the iron.’

*    *    *    *

Faviar marched at the back of his troops, keeping the procession moving. He barked orders when he wanted to change course. He was under orders to ensure that all areas of Stanton knew of the army’s presence.
‘Well, well, well...’ a voice from behind him said.
He turned on his heel to face it and saw that it was Aditha Malliceth, the Emperor’s Advisor and Secretary of the Empire. Faviar lost all breath and bowed, panic-stricken. Why is she here? He thought.
‘Please, Captain,’ she said with a grin. ‘Dismiss your men.’ It was not a suggestion, it was an order. Aditha Malliceth was known throughout the Empire as a beauty greater than most. Her reputation was not exaggerated. Her face was smooth, with few signs of age, although she was nearly thirty. She had long, brunette hair and dark, brown eyes. She was also slender and on this particular day had decided to wear a blue, complementary styled, uniform dress of a Tamberi Empire official. Faviar steadied himself and obeyed her order.
‘Halt!’ Faviar yelled to the marching soldiers and they obeyed his command. ‘Men, you are dismissed!’ The soldiers turned to him, saluted and went their separate ways. Faviar turned to see Aditha almost laughing.
‘You have such a commanding voice,’ she said sarcastically.
‘How may I help?’ he asked through gritted teeth.
‘We must go somewhere more private.’ Aditha grinned. ‘What would the Emperor say if we discussed official military business in the open?’
Faviar straightened. ‘Of course,’ he said. ‘Follow me.’
Faviar turned and walked through the streets of Stanton. He wanted to look behind to check if she was still there, but was too fearful to move any more than what was necessary. He took her through Stanton Market to the local military barracks. They entered and Faviar composed himself and turned to face Eve. She stood in the main hall and seemed unimpressed by the displays of the small barracks’ achievements. She looked to Faviar with dull eyes, waiting.
Faviar sobered and opened the door to his office. Aditha entered and he followed.
‘Take a seat,’ Faviar said as he sat in to his own.
Aditha grimaced at the wooden chair and reluctantly sat down.
‘I will come straight to the point Faviar!’ she said in a sudden, threatening voice.
Faviar recoiled in shock at the boom of her voice.
‘You, Faviar, are not to think us stupid!’ she said.
‘What do you...’ he began.
‘You know very well,’ she fired a glare at him. ‘We know that you have been lenient with the people of this village. You are not permitted to give second chances, Captain!’ She raised herself, leaning on Faviar’s desk, and fixed him with a glare. ‘The Empire does not give second chances! We kill those who do not obey! You have become soft and you must rectify this immediately.’
Faviar was frozen. He had lost all the air in his lungs and his mind was blank.
‘I...’ he began but a sentence never came. He panicked. What if I don’t speak? he thought. Will she stand there, threatening me forever? I need to say something. Faviar swallowed the lump in his throat.
‘I have tried my best,’ he began. ‘I don’t see how killing people will make others co-operate faster.’
Aditha drew a knife and pointed it ferociously at Faviar. ‘It will make others co-operate out of fear, you idiot. If people fear death, they will fear us!’
‘Okay, no more second chances!’ Faviar begged, stretching his neck away from the point of the knife.
Aditha sat back in the chair and sheathed her knife. ‘Good,’ she said. ‘I believe you received your orders this morning.’
Faviar thought of how he had seen Mikal and Aldar earlier. He couldn’t be seen being polite to them. He had to maintain his reputation within Stanton. He had always regretted that entering into the army meant he had to end his friendship with Mikal.
‘I refuse to do it,’ Faviar said. Aditha’s eyes opened wide.
‘I see,’ she said. ‘I’m afraid you have no choice.’ She paused. ‘Either you do it, or we keep your wife and son in our cells.’
‘No!’ Faviar rose to his feet in fear and anger. ‘Not the Tamberi Prison?’
‘No,’ Aditha said, calmly rising from her chair. ‘The Tamberi Empire has recently gained a new ally. It has a real affinity for fire. Your family is in its prison.’
‘Who is it?’ Faviar blurted out.
‘I have asked that question myself, Captain.’ She said, ‘all I was told is that he goes by the title of the Great Fire and that it is not human.’
The Great Fire? Faviar thought, I have never heard of such a being in all of Ackruar. I cannot leave my family to an unknown fate. Olivi and Danell will not die at my hands.
‘Very well,’ Faviar said as he turned away from Eve. ‘I will do as you say, as long as you release my family after it is done.’
‘Good, it must be complete by tomorrow night,’ Aditha said. ‘Goodbye.’
Faviar heard the opening and closing of a door. He turned and the room was empty. He sat down at his desk and sighed heavily.
I have never regretted joining the army more in all my life, he thought.

*    *    *    *

The sun began to set and the light of day weakened. Aldar and his father worked hard and finished many more items for Faviar’s order. His father stood up from the heat of the forging fire and set a recently formed dagger on the cooling rack. He picked up a bucket of water and threw it into the forge and then on to the red-hot dagger. The knife and forge hissed and steamed, filling the air with a thick, wet fog.
‘Open the door there, son,’ his father said. Aldar walked over to the wooden door, pushed it open and attempted to usher the thick steam out. His father wiped his sweaty forehead with a rag and sat down on a wooden chair, letting out a hefty sigh. ‘Aldar, go around to the butchers and get us dinner for tonight,’ he said as he held a few small gold coins out to him. ‘There’s the money for it and while you’re away, I’ll lock up. There’s a good lad’.
‘Alright, see you in a bit,’ Aldar said, taking the coins and leaving the blacksmith. He walked through the market, which was a lot busier than it had been that morning with people buying things for dinner at the last minute. He went to the butcher shop at the left side of the market, bought that night’s dinner and began his way back to the blacksmith. But as he left the butcher, he was shocked to find that Stanton Market was completely deserted. It was silent and empty of any form of activity. He walked through the market. An eerie chill whisked through the air. He walked towards the door of the blacksmith. He was shocked to find it was open! My father was supposed to have locked up, he thought.
With caution, he slowly creaked the door open. His father was subdued on to his wooden chair by two army soldiers whilst Faviar stood before him, with a look of venom in his eyes. Aldar froze when he heard Faviar speak.
‘You have made me do this, Mikal!’ he said with furious anger.
‘B-But I-I have nearly finished!’ Aldar’s father said in a very shaky voice.
‘That doesn’t matter now! You’re over the deadline.’
‘The deadline is three days from now!’
Faviar hesitated, ‘Right that’s it! I am sick of this! You should’ve kept your tongue under control in the market today! We do not tolerate insubordination of that calibre and we do not give second chances! It will cost you your life’.
Aldar lost control of his body. He found himself bursting through the door, ‘Keep away from him!’ he yelled at the top of his voice.
Faviar turned towards him, his yellow cape waving after him. He unsheathed his sword. ‘I suppose I’ll deal with you first,’ he said with a vicious sneer.
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