The Troubled Mind

The Troubled Mind

By: Erik P (Created in 6/26/2011)

This story is based on actual events.

A series of lights pass by Kurt in an instance, followed by a wave of honking that abruptly ends. He rushes past the busy streets of the packed city, speed walking his way to shelter as the heavy rain continues to soak his body. Kurt run’s across the street; the cars are motionless and again begin to honk at one another. His eyes squint to shield the light protruding from the vehicles and his body slides right between two of them to get to the other side. His mind is jumbled, he begins to walk faster, and his stomach churns as he begins to lose his nerves. Kurts shoulder collides with an oncoming individual. The individual bolts his head to stare Kurt directly in the eyes; crinkles appear in his face as he starts to grin. “Sorry!” Kurt yells as he continues onwards without stopping for an instant.

The heavy rain radiates with a pitter patter as it hits the pavement, the people, the cars, and the buildings, everything that it can manage to reach. The water flows down the gutters and slides off of umbrellas and in certain areas it sits there, collecting into massive puddles. Even with everything on Kurt’s mind he manages to save a special area to complain about the rain. He thinks to himself “Of course I didn’t take my umbrella on the day that it downpours like this. I kept telling myself look at the clouds; it’s probably going to rain. But instead I had to convince myself like an idiot that at worst it might drizzle and I would be able to stand it.” Kurt’s motion finally comes to a stop as he stares at a bus stop sign. He pivots his foot and turns his head directly behind him in order to see a short building right next to where he is standing, which he recognizes as a flower shop. He gets as close to the wall as possible, getting the much needed cover he craved because of the rain with the help of a yawning attached to the shop. His hair is soaked with water, his skin begins to prune and the rain drips through his clothing.

Kurt waits patiently for the bus to take him home. He jolts his arm up to look at his wrist watch. “Only 5 more minutes” Kurt thinks to himself. “Though I’m sure with all this damn rain the bus won’t be here on time. Not that it usually is.” He observes the area around him, taking note of several other people waiting under the long yawning close to him. His vision is blurred since the rain drops had covered his glasses. He looks on the street, squinting, trying to spot the bus from a distance with no luck. Kurt sighs, putting his hands in his pockets. At least the inside of his pants seem dry, he grabs onto the cloth in his pockets to wipe the water on his hands away. He then grinds the nail of his thumb against his skin, over and over. At this moment, a string of thoughts jolt through Kurt’s brain. He tries to block them out, his eyes stammer to find something of interest. He smiles as he watches a couple of girls shriek as they make a feeble attempt to block the rain with their arms while they run towards a specific destination.

Kurt jolts his arm up again to check his watch. “The bus should be here any minute now.” He buries his hand further into his pocket and pulls out a cell phone. He taps the screen to make sure he didn’t miss any text messages almost by instinct now. He bites his lip and puts the phone away, disappointed that he had not received anything. Kurt then sees the bus coming at a distance; he waits for everyone else near the wall to get to the bus stop and walks behind them to get in line as the rain continues to fall. The bus pulls up and screeches to a halt, quickly opening its doors. Everyone including Kurt boards the bus; he waits patiently as the people in front pay and is satisfied to once again to have cover from the precipitation from the sky. Instantly he feels the cool air conditioning surround his body. Kurt slips in a card to pay and finds himself a seat, shivering.

The trip home becomes a haze in Kurt’s head. He slips in and out of sleep, slowly opening his eyes to spot key areas he recognizes, closing them again to rest. He clears his mind. Sleeping is one of Kurt’s favorite activities. Napping on a bus surly isn’t the same, especially when he compares it to going to bed at night and drifting off into another world, his own world, a collection of fragments he makes up while he is in a deep sleep. Sleeping doesn’t just help Kurt when he is exhausted, but can also cure boredom. When he has nothing to do, falling asleep is always an option. It also helps him forget when there is something troubling his mind. Once he goes to sleep, a temporary eraser wipes his thoughts clean. This isn’t always the best solution and can often become a problem because the troubling issues don’t always get erased. They sometimes manifest themselves into the dream world he tries to build. Kurt opens his eyes as he checks his surroundings. He presses a button and hears a ding. The bus slowly comes to a halt on the upcoming stop, Kurt thanks the bus driver, and heads back out into the rain.
…
Keys jingle and are pressed into the lock. Kurt unlocks the door and turns the handle with his other hand. He shakes his head and slams the door behind him as he enters his house. Passing by the living room he starts to undress. His soaking shirt is pulled off and thrown to the ground. He then un-buckles his belt and his pants are both unzipped and unbuttoned. He slides his wet pants off, struggling to kick them off one leg at a time. Finally he lifts each leg up to take off his socks, throwing them on the ground as he walks into a hallway towards his bedroom. The door is already open; he enters and collapses on his bed. Kurt’s eyes close; he grunts and heavily shoots a stream of air out of his nose. He lies on his stomach, resting his head on his arm which is pulled out and placed on his pillow. “I just want it to fucking go away” Kurt mumbles softly under his breath. With some time that passed Kurt falls asleep. His body is motionless, the room is quiet.

I’m in a room filled with uniformed men. No it’s not just a room, perhaps some sort of bunker. The men that occupy this room seem to be old; they are all moving, keeping busy. I suddenly notice the uniforms with more detail, there is a red and black patch on every single mans arm. On the patch is a symbol of a Nazi sign, the swastika. Many of these men look like they are in charge of something. One in particular is holding a red phone, talking, but I can’t hear what he is saying. I notice everyone is either wearing a cap or a helmet. It doesn’t seem very noisy in the bunker, even though it seems like there is a lot of commotion. Before anything else happens, the men, one by one, take out a small capsule. Each one swallows it down, collapsing on the floor after consumption. Everything starts to become fuzzy; I vanish and head into a hallway. On my way to an unknown destination I reach a split in the hallway. A couple of the Nazis stand near where I am, holding the classic Model 24 grenade, blowing themselves up. No blood, no guts; I have a hard time reading the emotions of all of these men; everything is still silent through the commotion.

Kurt wakes up, groggy, rubbing his eyes and stretching. He is not startled or really affected by the dream. He understands it wasn’t real, although he wonders why he dreamt of such disturbing events. He has plenty of time to get up or if he so daringly chooses Kurt can sleep some more. He has no purpose in life really, well none that he has figured out yet. Finished with school, no job, no girlfriend, his priorities are none existent except to keep himself healthy and safe. Other than that he really has the freedom to do whatever he wants. Don’t judge him so harshly, he’s been looking for a job but the market and the economy has gotten so bad, it’s damn near impossible to find one. Kurt sits up, still on his bed, drifting in and out of reality as he starts to day dream.

Thoughts of nude women fill his mind, giving Kurt a hard on. He snaps out of it quickly, trying to fill the void in his brain with something else. Lately he hasn’t been too interested in watching porn. Plans for today might be a solid idea, what shall he do? He could just sit around and watch TV. The day will go by quickly and he will be entertained. But to him it feels like a complete waste of time. Kurt sometimes feels like a meaningless pile of garbage, waiting to be taken out by someone. He rots away as everything else passes by him. The lazy people of this world who keep the garbage lying around for days, letting it pile high towards the rooftops. “Another day” they think to themselves, “another day I’ll throw it out.” Kurt becomes that pile as his troubles pile up. At least if he gets thrown out, he can travel somewhere. I begin to imagine riding somewhere new and exciting as I get chucked into a garbage truck. The garbage truck doesn’t take me to a dump site; it drives off course, down a long straight road. The road has no cars, which means no traffic. No lights, no stop signs, an express highway to somewhere lovely. Nowhere specific, perhaps a cliché I could think of would be some warm tropical paradise. But that’s not where I want to go, it’s somewhere else, somewhere better, but I can’t imagine it.

It must exist! Somewhere in the back of his mind, Kurt sighs. He hops out of bed and slowly walks downstairs for some breakfast. The day by day routine passes by him in an instance. A small breakfast to keep his energy pumping, a shower to stay fresh, a work out to keep fit, and lunch to feed his hunger. Afterwards he throws in anything to keep himself from being bored or lonely. Perhaps he watches a movie, plays a video game, or reads a book. He finally ends it with a big dinner and at some point might decide to take a jog. Kurt imagines his life passing by on an endless loop, devoid of meaning or progression, as he sits on his computer chair. The room starts spinning. I fall off my chair, onto the jet black floor, and am forced to move in circles with the motion. A needle falls down from the sky, nearly hitting me, and strikes the ground. I quickly crawl away from the needle, the walls around me collapse into darkness. I back away to the edge of the circular black floor, which now looks like a giant vinyl disc. My furniture is still there, my bed, table, television, armchair, and so forth, all of which are spinning along with the disk.

Giant speakers come forth from the darkness around me, hanging near me as if nothing is holding them up. My own voice is heard out loud. “It’s your new life, deal with it! Stop thinking about her!” The message repeats “It’s your new life, deal with it! Stop thinking about her!” The message continues to loop along with the room continuously spinning, over and over. I back up farther to the edge of the floor, looking below me to see a pitch black pit. The thought of falling in crosses my mind, I violently shake my head. Kurt opens his eyes to find himself back on his computer chair, staring at the computer screen. He grab’s his phone and calls the first person he can think of. The phone rings. “Hello?” A voice answers.

“Hey, Hal! What’s up my man?”

“Longtime no see Kurt! What has it been, two days now?” Hal laughs.

Kurt laughs along “Yeah man, it’s been too long.”

“So, what are you up to?”

“Virtually nothing, do you see where this phone call is going?”

“Well, I do believe that if you’re doing nothing, you might just want to hang out today.”

“You are absolutely, positively, correct in your assumption. So what do you say, are you free?”

“Yeah man, just give me a couple hours and I can come pick you up.”

“Sounds good to me, you’re a life saver sir.”

“What do I look like a doctor?”

“Why because I said you save lives?”

“Nope! That has nothing to do with it.” Hal says sarcastically.

“Ha, alright then, well I’ll see you later!”

“That you will, later Kurt!”

“Bye!”

“Peace!”
…
Kurt and Hal sit inside of a diner. They have a small booth to themselves with a cheap little jukebox sitting on top of the table they are at. In the middle of the table there are also a couple of pieces of bread, one of which was already bitten into. Hal takes another gulp from his water and looks Kurt directly in the eyes. “You can’t always have such a negative outlook on life.”

“I…I really do try my best. I try and try to make everyone around me happy. I never want to be that guy who insults you even in a joking manner or who gets on your nerves. Yet so many people seem to let me down. I swear man; the world is just filled with assholes, even the people who I know and consider my friends. No offense to you of course.”

“You’re absolutely right man. The world is filled with assholes but it’s also filled with a lot of good people. It’s kind of human nature; we’re selfish, greedy, needy, hell the list goes on. But people like you and me. Fuck, like you said, we try our best. That doesn’t mean we are perfect either. I’m sure both of us can be selfish or needy just like anyone else from time to time.”

“People are such a pain in the ass to deal with.”

“Amen to that.”

“I don’t know man, I feel like I’m just rambling. I don’t want to seem like a crazy old coot that starts blaming shit on everyone he sees.”

“I totally understand what you’re going thro-“ The waiter comes and brings both Kurt and Hal their food. A nice succulent steak for Kurt and a big juicy burger for Hal. “Thank you,” They both exclaim. Hal continues, “Life sucks man. With the people that are put onto this Earth and all the shit people have to go through. Someone might be starving to death, someone might be losing their job, someone else will slowly find out their marriage has been falling apart. Life sucks! But what is it that drives everyone to keep on living it out?” Both of them dig into their food.

“Sex?” Kurt asks with a mouthful of chewed food.

“Haha. Well I guess that can help although sex also gets things pretty fucking complicated. But no, it’s the attitude you have. If you keep looking at everything in a negative light, everything will look like a piece of shit. Really for the most part, maybe it is all crap, but you HAVE TO look at things on the bright side.” Hal in particular emphasizes the words “have to.”

“On the bright side sure, but still keep things realistic.”

“Exactly, so if I just found out I might get a job, look on the bright side. I might get paid soon and start a living. Realistically though there a handful of other people applying for the same position so I don’t want to get my hopes up too high.”

“Then all in the mean while, try not to tell yourself there is no way in hell I’m getting that job. Because that’s when life looks like shit again.”

“Yup!”

“That’s hard man. Sometimes it’s so much easier to say fuck it all.”

“Life isn’t easy.”

“I guess that’s why people often hear about suicides, alcoholics, and drug addicts. It’s such an easy way to deal with how shitty life is.”
Pg. 6
“One wrong move and one of us can end up like that. You gotta keep your head and your heart strong.”

“Yaa..” Kurt sighs.

“So what’s this all about Kurt?” Kurt’s finger is raised to tell Kurt to hold on as he drinks down his soda. He then proceeds to continue to eat his steak. “Well I’m waiting,” says Hal. Kurt eyes wonder around while he starts to grind the nail of his thumb against his skin. “Nothing man, nothing. I’ve just been thinking of Gina a lot lately.”
…
Kurt spaces out while Hal drives him home. Its funny how there are so many problems in the world and there are so many problems that Kurt has to deal with. Yet the one that sticks out the most is because of a girl. Should he worry about getting a call back about that position he applied for? No, instead he worries about why Gina hasn’t text him back for hours. Should he worry about all his friends that he has separated from since he graduated? No, instead he’s going to worry about the next time he will see Gina or why he is always the one that needs to contact her first to start a conversation. Does she not care about him? Does she not think about him? Kurt’s mind is polluted with unanswered questions and paranoid scenarios. Sometimes he gives in, asking some of these questions to her. This only makes him feel like he is desperate, trying too hard, and possibly driving her further away. There isn’t a single day that goes by where Kurt doesn’t think about her. “Emotions suck!” Kurt mutters while Hal is driving. Hal replies “Hah! Um. Okay, yeah sure. Won’t argue there.”

It’s so unfair how people can drop all the feelings and memories they had of someone and pretend like it never happened. Again this makes Kurt think of all the assholes in the world. He wants to be different. Why not cherish the moment, cherish the feelings that he has and make it last for as long as possible. A decade from now he will probably not feel the same way about Gina ever again. Still, he wants to embrace the feelings he has for her and tell her how he feels, maybe it will make her smile. He wants to hold onto his feelings for her, yet at the same time he knows he needs to let them go. Kurt is conflicted with his opinions on the matter. Perhaps someone might be wondering, what exactly is the problem? Kurt has become tired of telling the same old story. It used to give him comfort, letting people know what happened. But really, there is no point to it anymore. At this time he can say, it’s complicated. It sometimes also hard for him to say he’s in love. One side of his brain tells him to move on and forget about her. Yet another side says something different.

The car pulls up along the curb next to Kurts house. The two friends shake hands, a unique handshake that they created themselves. They say their goodbyes and Kurt exits the vehicle. He waves goodbye as Hal pulls away driving down the road back to his own place. He then proceeds to walk to his front step, entering his house, and closing the door shut behind him. He starts to undress and drops each piece of clothing on the floor towards the kitchen. He opens up the fridge to gulp down some juice and makes his way to his bedroom once he has finished. As Kurt lies on his bed, he rests his head on his hands, his elbows spread apart. His eyes are wide open and he thinks to himself. “I’m going to visit her soon. I hope she will be ecstatic to see me again.”

In his mind, Kurt starts to replay what it might be like to visit her over and over again. He will buy her a small gift, some drinks, and show up at her dorm room. I drop everything I have in my hands and give her the world’s best hug I can give. This one scene is replayed 13 times in his head, each one slightly different then the last. “Can I sleep over Gina?” Kurt asks her in his own mind. The next scene he imagines is every single possible scenario with the answer of “yes.” We get ready to go to bed. Both of us are in our sleep wear, I of course have no shame to be in my boxers. I slowly inch my way closer to her body, cuddling her. My arms wrap around her waist as I spoon with her, hugging her body with mine. Do I kiss her? This scene is replayed 17 times in his head. Some instances contain the kiss, others do not. Kurt feels his body sinking into his bed as if it’s trying to swallow him up. A mixture of excitement and nerves wreck his body. As the time ticks on his eyes slowly close and he fades out of consciousness.

I open my eyes and look around me. Gina is with me, lying on the bed. She starts to tell me she wants to buy a puppy but we both know they aren’t allowed in the dorm room. Her eyes and her lips pop out at me. I see her eyes glaring at me but it’s her lips that I can’t take my eyes off of. The next thing I know we are kissing. My hand wraps around to the back of her head, my fingers slide through her hair and I push her head closer to mine. We lock lips, kissing passionately. The rest becomes a blur. Kurt wakes up. His groggy voice grunts as he stares at the clock. It’s only 3am, he tries to go back to sleep. His erect penis prevents him from falling asleep; he fights it by trying to think of something else. Eventually he passes out once more. “Where did Gina go? I could have sworn she was right by my side.” My computer is the only thing in the room that catches my attention. I teleport over, I’m not sure if I’m sitting down or standing up. By my eyes are glued to the screen. Gina is apparently talking to me. I try to ask her how her day is going but she isn’t replying. Where did she go? Why is it taking so long for her to respond to me? Suddenly the lights are no longer on. My grandma walks into my room and I follow her around the pitch black house. She takes me in a full circle; we somehow looped around and ended up exactly where we started. Everything is quiet and everything is dark aside from a small amount of moonlight shining through the windows. I walk back downstairs with her and look up at the ceiling. The ceiling is filled with a large number of masquerade masks. A couple of larger masks stand out, I look at them and it’s almost as if they are staring back at me. I hear a loud shrill scream! I can’t tell if it’s my grandma or if it’s coming from the mask. Either way my heart starts pounding and Kurt wakes up. He doesn’t understand why but his nerves are telling him that this dream was very disturbing. He tries to go back to sleep one last time trying to think of something other than Gina and the ghoulish masks.
…
On the day of the trip Kurt is rushing to get on the train to see Gina. Every action he will perform must be flawless in his mind. Kurt believes that a perfect approach to seeing her will insure that they have a great time together and that she will see him as someone special. He replays every move once again in his mind over and over. He will arrive at the station, make his way down to the super market to buy Gina her most favorite beer, proceed to take a shower at a friend’s place to pretty up, arrive at her dorm, drop everything and give her the best hug he can give. He then will give her the beer and the gift and pray that she will love it. She already told him he can sleep over so as the time goes by, he will also anticipate the end of the day. He will slowly advance and try to be as charming as possible to get in the spooning position. He might even hold onto her hand and once again he thinks about the possible kiss. As Kurt thinks about all this he looks at his watch and realizes he just missed the train. The room starts to spin and everything around him slows down. He quickly calms down and waits in line to replace his ticket. He starts to dig his nail into his skin. He tries to cheer himself up. His perfect plan has already started to crumble; he doesn’t want to show up late. No worries though, Kurt gets refunded and replaces his ticket after a long wait in line. He runs to the next available train and gets on board with two minutes to spare. The trip is dull and boring, he simply listens to music. The longer he sits there, staring out the window, the more his mind starts to wander. He begins to remember the past.

I don’t know why Gina has seemed so distant lately. We have been together for half a year, at least that’s what I want to say. You see, we started out as friends with benefits. The more time I spent with her the more I started to like her, I didn’t care that she was different from me. I’ve given everything I’ve got into our relationship, building it up to where it is right now. Slowly I pushed my way up the ranks from a close friend, to something more. Yet she never wanted to get too close to me and if I ever used the L word she would freak out. That would be “love” of course not “lesbians”. I refrained from using it even though I felt myself getting closer and closer to that stage in our relationship. I even managed to take her on a legitimate date one time because she would always fight against that. One day, before the legitimate date, I paid for her meal at a restaurant but she had to leave early. Once Gina was gone, she texted me to check my coat pocket, where I found a $10 bill she snuck in so I wouldn’t have to pay for her.

Anyway, that was then. Now she has been hanging out a lot with this guy named Buck. He always seemed like a sleaze ball to me. There was always something about him that I couldn’t trust. I found out she even started sleeping over at his place, which was right across from me on campus back when I went to college. More and more she would party with him and I would see her less and less. I felt like our relationship was dying, but more importantly I was paranoid she was going to cheat on me. Eventually I broke down. There were only a couple days left of school and it didn’t help that I was already freaking out I was going to be leaving all my friends, I would have to enter the real world finished from school, and to top it off my relationship with Gina would turn into a long distance one. I kindly asked if she could just spend time with me the next day, cancel any upcoming plans someone might make with her, and just relax with me.

Gina agreed but she literally took it as giving me the “day” as in “morning” time. She spent time with me in the morning and then invited her friends and me to a picnic during the late afternoon. Buck was of course invited and eventually showed up towards the end. I found out she was going to party with him yet again during the night. Throughout the picnic I was miserable. I was expecting to spend the whole day with her and yet again she was going to spend the night with Buck instead. She saw this and tried to cheer me up. Gina told me, at most, she would go to his place for just half an hour and come back to spend time with me like I had wanted. Knowing her, I knew she wasn’t going to be able to keep track of time so I stayed upset during the picnic. She saw this and decided that “I was just keeping her from having fun with her friends.” Instead she now told me she will stay the entire night with Buck and “she may or may not come back.” I cried harder then she had ever seen me cry before. I had trouble breathing at one point. To me it was as if she had just dumped me for another guy.

Gina gave me this bullshit talk about how I should be looking at the glass half full instead of half empty. Right after this speech was when she told me she “might come back” and that I should always keep my hopes up. I waited over 5 hours; it was past one in the morning. I texted her that I might fall asleep and she got back to me saying “If you fall asleep and I happen to be back, I’ll knock on your window to wake you up.” This gave me more false hope. A couple hours later I actually called her. “Hey Gina. You’re not coming back to my place are you?”

“Sorry, I lost track of time. I didn’t realize how late it was; now there’s no way I can get back to campus since I’m downtown and the buses had stopped running.”

“I think we should end this.”

“Like..what do you mean?”

“Everything that we have going right now, whether you consider it dating or even just the sex we’re having. It’s over, I can’t keep this up.”

“Can…can we still be friends?”

“I don’t think so Gina.” Gina stays silent. “I really can’t give you an accurate answer right now.” Gina starts to tear up and stammer. “It will be fine though, I’ll check up on you in the morning alright? I just really can’t deal with anything else right now.”

“Okay.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

The next morning I hung out with her and told her why I broke up over the phone. I couldn’t stand where we were at that point, I didn’t feel loved anymore, and we were heading into a long distance relationship so it was for the best anyway. I wound up seeing her two more times during the summer though. Both times we had sex and as the summer days went on my feelings grew for her again. On my first visit I still felt distant, it was as if we were back to being friends with benefits. We only had sex because she thought I was horny, not because she felt something for me. On my second trip to see her I felt closer again. After we had sex I told her once again as usual that it’s for the best we stay friends. Yet throughout the visit we held hands, kissed passionately during the span of the day, cuddled all night and morning. It felt amazing. This is exactly what I’m looking for on my current visit. I want the connection we had 2 months ago to spark back up again, I told her we should be friends but I feel like we’re still more than that. I want to tell her that I love her.

…
The train arrives to Kurts destination. He tries not to be too excited, every single time he thinks of the visit he always has a fear in the back of his mind that she will cancel plans with him and go out to party. Kurt has changed though, over the summer he no longer minds drinking and partying as much as he used to. At this point he would just tag along with her. Still what if Buck was also invited? He shakes his head and gets all the negative thoughts out of his mind. He calls her to make sure the plans are still on and they set up a time to meet up. Kurt is happy once again. A friend picks him up at the station, drives him to a supermarket, and Kurt gets a dozen bottles of booze. This contains a 6 pack of her favorite beer, Blue Moon, and a 6 pack of Twisted Teas. Step 1 of the perfect plan completed.

Kurt is taken back to another friend’s house where he will be sleeping over on other nights, not including this one. He says hello to everyone and hands out some warm hugs. After chit chatting and re-acquainting himself with old friends around the downtown campus he hops in the shower to pretty himself up. The second step for the perfect plan is complete. He hurries on over and takes a bus up campus, making sure he has the alcohol and her gift. Kurt can feel his heart beating and his palms sweating. Even though he knows he should be happy he becomes extremely nervous with the outcomes of everything that could possibly happen. He arrives at her dorm room, calling her phone to tell her to let him into the room. He places the beer and the gift he has for her down on the floor while he waits for her to come downstairs. He can hear her footsteps, his heart starts to pound faster against his chest. He looks around the corner and smiles. He quickly shuffles over to her, giving her the best hug he can possibly give. Step three is now complete. He nervously talks to her about how school is, how life is and so on while she smokes a cigarette. After going back into the building he spontaneously gives her another hug, telling her how much he had missed her.

They both walk upstairs and she opens the door for him. Upon entering he sees three people playing an old video game system, the N64. “Hey!” He waves to everyone; trying to be as friendly as possible to the new people he had never seen before. Gina tells them “This is Kurt everyone and Kurt, this is Sandy, Shaunda, and John.” The names quickly escape his mind; Sandy is the only one that sticks in his mind for some reason. He quickly gets settled in Ginas bedroom, which is shared with both Sandy and Shaunda. “I got you a little something.” Kurt says to Gina with a cool attitude, as if it wasn’t a big deal, as if it was a spur of the moment thing he thought up of. He takes the booze out of the first bag. “Blue Moon! Thanks.” She exclaims.

“I also got you some Twisted Teas.”

“Awesome. I’ll put them in the fridge.” Honestly he was expecting a more exiting reaction since this was the very first time he had purchased her this much alcohol, a beverage she seems to adore. The only other time has been just a glass in a restaurant of some sort. Still he had one more trick up his sleeve. “I also got you a poster. I just thought it looked cool and figured you might like it.” Kurt hands it over to her. She unravels it to find a zombie themed poster, a genre which both Kurt and Gina adore. “I love it!” She tells him while she gets some tape to hang it on her door. Step four is complete. Now all Kurt has to do is anticipate the sleep over.

Kurt didn’t really care what happened next. All he could think about was spending time with Gina and getting close to her. With every opportunity he got he would sit next to her on the couch and maybe even brush his hand against her skin. He even put his arm around her, pulling her in closer to him. “What are you doing?” Gina asked Kurt. He could feel a needle prick his heart and his stomach feel slightly queasy before he brushed it off. “I’m just being overly friendly.” Kurt leans his head on her shoulder and keeps his arm around her. He tries to get comfortable, closing his eyes remembering how good it felt to be so close to her. After this point she also invited another friend named Jordan over that they both knew to party the night away. She kept her distance from Kurt, which he didn’t mind at first since she would never get close to him in public situations when they used to go out. There was a little discomfort he felt from this distance later in the night. It reminded him of when their relationship started to fail, not to mention the fact that Jordan was the first guy he was jealous and paranoid of before Buck came into the picture. It didn’t matter, Jordan was a good friend.

Kurt was excited to see Jordan again but he couldn’t wait for him to leave. He wanted to finally be alone with Gina. As they drank the night away her suit mates already went to sleep. He was counting the minutes pass by while Jordan was getting even more inebriated and rambling on about how he can stay up all night and run laps with the energy that he has. Gina eventually kicked him out and they were finally alone, getting tired of his shenanigans. She got into her pajamas, a shirt and short shorts. Kurt could hardly keep his eyes off her legs. Kurt then took his pants off since he sleeps in his boxers but decided to keep his shirt on for now. They both lie down and watch television for a while to calm themselves down from the partying. The moment was finally here. The final step that Kurt was waiting for, the moment he has been dreaming of in which he would try to re-spark the relationship. Kurt wraps his arm around her and gets close to her while she lies on her side and watches television. She doesn’t respond in any way. The entire time she keeps her eyes glued to the screen but she also doesn’t say anything about how close Kurt is getting to her.

Kurt cannot stop himself from smiling; he keeps getting closer to her cheek. She smiles back “Why do you have that smirk on your face?”

“I don’t know!” Kurt smiles some more, hiding his face behind her shoulder. He quickly gives her a quick kiss on the cheek.

“What is this? I thought we were just friends. You’re breaking your own rules again.” Gina expresses calmly with a hint of confusion.

Kurt still has hope and smiles some more. “I know but… this entire time I just… I just couldn’t stop thinking of you. Gina I really really like you!”

Gina spazzes out and kicks the bed almost like a child. “Why!?” “You know were different. I’m not someone you should like. I drink, I smoke, I go out and you stay inside.”

“I know, but I don’t really care about that stuff. I still think you’re a wonderful person. You’re so nice to me and I just can’t help but to like you.”

Gina rolls her eyes and goes back to staring at the television as Kurt tries to cuddle with her. He finally told her he still likes her. It’s not the exact L word he was looking for but it’s still good enough because he knows that using “love” might scare her off. Now he just hopes that she will let him back into her life as more than a friend once again. He cuddles in different positions trying to get closer. They stay quiet for a while until Kurt starts to fall asleep. He asks her to turn the television off. She replies “doesn’t anyone like sleeping with the TV on?”

“Heh, well we can sleep with it on if you’d like Gina.”

“Here I’ll still lower the volume.”

“Thanks.”
…
Kurt wakes up at 7 in the morning. He knows he had a dream but he can’t recall what it was. He’s also surprised that he hasn’t gotten an erection while they slept together; he hasn’t slept next to a girl for a while. Still he knows right now his heart and his brain is worrying about too much to think about sex. He tries to go back to sleep but he realizes he has absolutely no answer in how Gina feels about him. It was already a bad sign that she didn’t express any feelings back to him and just stared at the television screen. Kurt also noticed she slept facing away from him the entire night; she didn’t seem to want to get close to him. He slowly tries to wake her up. “Hey, hey Gina.” No answer. After a while longer he continues. “Gina, are you awake?”

“What time it is it?”

“You know you never told me about how you felt about me last night.”

“It’s too early for this, just go back to sleep.”

“Come on, I feel like this is just a good excuse to avoid the topic.”

“No really, I’m just really tired.”

“I know I just can’t sleep Gina. Are there any feelings you have for me?”

“Ughh! We talked about this.”

Kurts forces a smile on his face. “You don’t feel the same way?”

“No! We’re just friends.”

“You mean to tell me that you feel absolutely nothing for me in here?” Kurt pokes at her chest, trying to point at her heart.

“I don’t know what else to tell you. You’re just going to have to accept my answer that I’ve already given you.”

Kurt lies back as he feels his stomach churning inside him. He can already feel the tears building up inside, he tries to hold it in. He lays there staring at the ceiling, waiting for it to come falling down on him. Perhaps if he lays still and says nothing, all of his painful feelings will go away. All he can hear her say for the next ten minutes is “Stop it!” As she rolls her eyes or quickly jolts her head away from him. Again, he feels like she is a child. He gets no comfort from her, just the two words, “Stop it” as the tears start to roll down his face and his body starts to slightly shiver. Kurt asks “I won’t seem like a dick to you if I just leave will I?” Gina replies “No, if you’re more comfortable with leaving I won’t think you’re a dick.”

For the most part Kurt stays silent for the rest of the morning. All of Gina’s other suit mates had woken up early in the morning as well and everyone in the suit decided to go down to the university cafeteria to grab some breakfast. After an awkward breakfast Kurt continues to stay silent in the dorm room. There isn’t much he can think of to say so he tells Gina that he’s going to leave. She nods her head and walks him out to the front door. She gives him a hug, which he appreciates and he returns to his friends place downtown. From this point on, the next several days are spent hanging out with his college buddies. They can all see Kurt is depressed, he has an easy way of showing it. His best friend Phil mainly keeps him company. Right away he tells him “All the guys here knew you were gonna have a bad trip. We didn’t want to tell you.”

“What do you mean?”

“A couple of friends saw Gina hanging around Buck lately.”

“Well, that doesn’t mean anything…they used to hang out back when we were still together.”

Kurt still nervously texts Gina. “Is there someone else?”

“No! And even if there was it’s none of your business.”

Kurt still tries to make the best out of the situation. He understands that they are now just friends he just doesn’t get why her feelings had vanished. It was just 2 months ago when they were holding hands, kissing, and so forth; he can’t stop thinking about that visit during the summer. As the day’s go by he still feels better and calls her from time to time. He is happy she wants to stay friends although after a long exchange of texts he tells her he will still continue to like her and that things might get awkward. He tries to give it a shot anyway and asks if he can hang out with her one last time before he has to go home. It was just as awkward as he thought it would be. Most of the time she spent ignoring him anyway, talking to her suit mates about various things while he just stood around. Then Gina had to study for an upcoming test and Kurt sat next to her for 30 minutes silently, glancing over to see Gina’s eyes glued to the book. Kurt thinks to himself “She really can’t just talk for a little bit on my last day here?” “It’s almost as if I’m not even in this fucking room!” Again Kurt ends it early with Gina his “friend.” He tells her “I’m just going to go out.”

“Where are you going to go?”

“Just out.”

“You’re going to wander the streets?”

“No, just the campus.”

“Alright.”

Kurt wraps his arms around her for the last time and hugs her goodbye. “I’m going to miss you.”

“We will see each other again.”

“Yeah..ya.”
…
Kurt is back home, feeling better. He thought this was the end of the story until Phil broke some news to him. “So you remember how I told you we saw Gina hanging around Buck?” Asks Phil.

“Yes, I remember.” Replies Kurt

“Well we didn’t want to tell you everything. We thought it was best you found out yourself and didn’t destroy the friendship you had with her.”

“What is it?”

“Well, there were a couple times some of us saw Gina making out with Buck.”

Kurt stayed silent. At first it was as if this news had not affected him at all. He was sort of numb for a while. In the back of his mind he had always saw it coming. Before he did anything rash or even flipped out Kurt texts his friend Jordan. “Do you know anything about Gina and Buck?”

Jordan replied back “Well I do know they always used to see each other a lot while you two were still together.”“She wasn’t who you thought she was. Gina would hide a lot of things from you because of how different you two were. It wasn’t just the alcohol; she’s tried so many different types of drugs out there. Hell and it’s getting worst. She’s been doing pot nonstop and this weekend she’s going to drop acid with her suit mates. She even came onto me once while you two were still together. Just forget about her man, she’s no good for you.”

Kurt frantically starts to text Gina. There was no turning back now. He pretty much knows that the friendship they had is about to shatter. All he has to do is give it that extra push and find out first hand if any of these rumors are true. He sends her several texts, one with a wave of questions. “Does Buck have anything to do with our relationship? Did you do anything with him while we were still together? Did you do anything with Jordan while we were still together? Please just answer honestly; I don’t want to be kept in the dark anymore.” Kurt doesn’t get a reply, he sends another text. “I’m not trying to start a fight.” Gina finally replies “I’m not trying to start a fight either. I’m just sick of telling you the same thing over and over. You got your answer, I can’t change it.” Kurt was confused; did she just completely ignore all his questions?

Kurt feels like he is heading towards a panic attack. He slows down his breathing; he tries to stop pacing the room and lies down. He hasn’t felt this miserable in a long time. Just waiting for her replies was painful enough on top of everything else he was thinking of. He understands that there is no reason he should feel bad since they moved on. But what was digging into his skin was everything he used to be paranoid about during the relationship was coming back to haunt him. In Kurts mind, that mother fucking two timing sleaze ball Buck had truly fucked over their entire relationship from the very start. Eventually Kurt starts to call Gina, he can’t stand waiting anymore. Now she’s not picking up his calls. He’s feeling worst by the minute because he feels like she’s trying to hide something else. “Please Gina, why aren’t you answering me? I’m freaking the fuck out!” Gina finally replies “This Is insanity! It’s Shaunda’s birthday. I’m kind of busy, that’s why I haven’t been answering. What are you freaking out about?”

It has now come to Kurts attention that Gina had only been reading the very last text he had sent out to her, which means she had missed all texts including the questions he asked about Buck and Jordan. She also missed a couple of texts that involved how badly he felt, that everything seemed to be caving in on him and that as friend, it would be great If she could respond and help. “Fuck my life. I’m sorry I forgot it was her birthday. I didn’t mean to bug you so much I just…Gina I think you missed a lot of my texts. I heard that you made out with Buck. Is this true?”

“Yes it’s true. But that has nothing to do with how I feel. Like I said before, my answer hasn’t changed and you have to accept that. You’re making this out to be more than it actually is.”

“Alright, well I’m going to be pretty miserable this week. I just hope you can help me out as a friend.”

“I will always be there for you as a friend.”

Kurt can feel the churning in his stomach fade away. Somehow he physically and emotionally started to slowly feel better. Knowing that Buck was not the reason Gina refused to acknowledge any feelings towards Kurt was comforting. However, this is just Gina’s claim, for all she knows he actually did steal her feelings away. Still he won’t question it. In fact he won’t even question how far Gina and Buck went, while Kurt was still seeing her in a relationship. Kurt always trusted her until Jordan told her that she came onto him. Or was it just in Jordan’s imagination that Gina came onto him? Kurt might not ever know the true answers; he might not ever want to know the true answers. He will leave the story at a standstill instead of constantly prying and wondering who did what and why and how else the scenario could have worked out. It just goes to show you that sometimes it’s best to be kept in the dark and it’s no wonder why curiosity always kills the cat. Still, Kurt feels much better knowing the truth, for he now knows how far people will go to make themselves out to be something they’re not. He can see how far people might go to lie just to create a false illusion just to impress someone or have that someone judge them in a positive manner.
…
That was the last Kurt had ever spoken to Gina. “Yeah that sounds dramatic.” Kurt thinks to himself. “It’s only been 2 days since this happened, I guess I shouldn’t use that line until a month goes by or something.” He chuckles to himself. “It’s likely I will talk to her again but I don’t think I will ever see her again. Not willingly anyway, if I happen to run into her on campus I think I’ll feel my stomach churning again. Like the feelings you have with butterflies in your stomach but worst. I truly want to be her friend, but I’ve lost so much respect for her. Right now in my life all she does is give me pain. I need some time to heal and then perhaps one day I will be able to see her again. Till then I’m going to steer clear of her, maybe even throw out a couple of the gifts she got me way back when so I don’t think about her. I know I’m going to regret it; maybe I won’t throw anything out, I can’t decide. There’s this heavy weight that has been thrown off my shoulders. Even though I found out all of this dramatic crap, I still feel better not having to constantly worry about the possibility of getting back with her. It’s just completely out of the question for me now too. You just want to be friends you say? Well sure, I’m fine with that. Now Gina, why don’t you go make out with that sleaze ball Buck some more. I’m sure he’s a great influence on you too.”
…
In September, Kurt received a happy birthday message from Gina on his Facebook Wall during his birthday.