The Big Old House Out In Greensburg

A short-story dedicated to my brilliant, fun, good brother Greg Amend.

The big old house out in Greensburg

She listened to the computerized tennis balls bouncing off the white line rackets on her Retro Tennis game on TV. It was such an elementary way of seeing tennis, and all too simple, but somehow, it helped her mind clique in place. She always considered in her own mind, that talking was like mental hockey, an idea she made up of for herself to describe the way it made her feel. So, the fake tennis sounds were the next best thing, in the middle of the night, when there was nothing much else to do, other than wonder where her life went and what would become of it.

Okay then, she thought to herself, that could drive a person nuts after too long. She clicked to the Beethoven station on Pandora. If nothing else, she had to have quality tonight. A rare night spent keeping her birds awake, like the sweet night owls they were to her. They never minded that she needed the company. The theme for the movie “Eyes Wide Shut” came on, and she thought, maybe this won’t be such a bad night after all. There were pending plans to meet with her mother the next day, but every day was different and so unpredictable, that she never knew which was up or which way was down. It could have had something to do with her bipolar, but she didn’t want to think too much on that. Life was strenuous, a constant battle of the will and whim. She had to force herself to do things by sheer will, whether her heart was in it or not. But, she knew a break would come along. It was just a matter of time.

The girl’s name was Melanie. She knew it suited her for it meant melancholy. A word for how she felt a lot. Don’t get me wrong though. She was a Hilary around most people most of the time, a name that meant happiness. Because being around other people, usually made her happy, although sure, they could cause the worse grief imaginable too. She paid no mind to that either.

Melanie’s thoughts drifted off to one of her brothers, as they so often did, to strengthen her. She had a good brother named Nate, the oldest one out of two, who was her back-bone, in a lot of her alone times.

The Beethoven station had to go. Kenny Logins was a more uplifting choice. No work, all play, makes Hilary turn into Melanie. Unemployment had stolen her self-worth and self-esteem. She read dozens of times that, that is where most people get it from anyway, although they would deny it to their death’s end. They would say their good lives came from who they are, what they were able to accomplish, through their sheer will and hard work. Fuck that. But maybe it was true. Who the hell knew anymore, her thoughts swimming? What she wanted was to be able to be a Hilary for herself, the times when she had to be alone. Can’t have it all, oh well, she thought. Adrian. Now he was another one who could be, mind that, could be, a kind of backbone. That was her younger brother, who had his unfair share of troubles, but inspired her nonetheless.

No one would get it, but she prayed for God to have mercy on her, and just let her get into TV shows, no matter what. Because only on TV, were the people safe to be with, they could not hurt you, and it could be a lively, happy thing to actually god-forbid, see other people, when by isolation, living alone, and unemployment had it’s sheer havoc.

Okay, so I’m not a nervous wreck tonight, she thought still confused, but she had felt like one a lot during the last 10 years. Starting when she had to move out of her aunt’s house for good. Bipolar came, unusual experiences, and all majorly and basically fending for herself. And I’m still doing it, and I’m always going to do it if I have to, as she hoped her legs would be good, when she was an old lady. Who’s going to be there for me?? She could care less now. Just wanted to enjoy her night for a change. She held onto a tiny hope that she could publish her writings, get a big huge old house out in Greensburg, and Nate could move in with her. She didn’t want to be alone, if she didn’t have to be. But, it had been so long living in her own apartment anyway, Melanie was afraid she got too used to the loneliness, and rather, looked forward to it, in a strange way. At least it egged on her writing and gave her the ultimate privacy she so desperately needed. Screw it. Not thinking about it. Gee whiz. Wasn’t there something happy to think about?? This always called for an emergency switch of the TV station. God forbid. Is there any freaking relief out there in TV land for me?? In Roku land?? Help!

Turning on a cheap horror flick on crackle, she thought of her god. He was there, and it helped her. Her thoughts went back to that big old house out in Greensburg, and Nate moving in. Why? Cause he was the only person who stayed with her since she moved from her aunt’s house, and they were some happy times for her. She believed in both herself and him enough, that they could be there for each other in the future, live together, and live in harmony. There was one doubt though. That was her ex-boyfriend she had had problems with, but there was always the question of living with him. ‘Oh god. I guess it’s not so bad.’ She pulled out her netbook to jot down some notes, while the Japanese movie played. It was a kind of cool thing she discovered, was that the foreign stuff, she could keep on while she wrote, because it was all mish mash to her ears. The American English stuff, never. It would mess with her head, if she ever tried to write. Went hugely with song lyrics too.

She went back to playing her Retro Tennis game on her Roku, and figured the sport of her driving herself wacky with all of those thoughts, when she could do nothing about her situation, other than keep writing, was far less happy than any real tennis player. Well, she won the game, put back on Kenny Logins, to wait out the hour till Starbucks would open up, and she could finally maybe be Hilary again going to visit Nate and Tink, her fine dog. Maybe they could play some mental hockey there!!

The End. Written by Amy Amend Matz.