The Brain Sucking Buffalo Bird

"The Brain Sucking Buffalo Bird
-or-
How I Got Away From Stupidity Personified"





My name is Gordon Gumptuckler and this is my story, it's true even though it is fictitious.



It started like any ordinary day, it was 2 am in the morning and I couldn't sleep so I decided to go for a stroll.

I strolled and strolled and strolled and strolled until I came to this fencepost with this unusually large bird upon it.

The thing was as broad as a barn and five times as stupid.

I heard some muffled screams and upon closer inspection of its head,(which resembled a rooster's head that had been flattened by a sledgehammer),I could see,(to my utter horror), that it had a man by the head in it's mouth and was sucking on the man's noggin like there was no tomorrow!

Let me tell you that I ran as fast as I could after seeing that, then I heard the bird squawk,( which sounds very much like someone had taped a fart and played it backwards) in the distance, which made me run faster!

I could tell it was gaining on me so I tried cutting corners in an attempt to get away or at least slow his fugly a$$ down.

Thankfully this helped me to discover it's stupidity as it would slam into everything on that corner. Somehow ,(beyond my knowledge), that wall-eyed bastard seemed to somehow always keep me in his sights! I knew that eventually it would catch up with me so I decided to use it's own stupidity against it. I tied an imaginary rope from one side of the street to the other, wondering and hoping if that would somehow trip it,( long shot I know), and low and behold it tripped it!

That bird was sent sailing through the air like a cannonball fired from a cannon!

What happened next was truly horrific because that thing crashed down on the world's only midget minibike biker gang known as The Hell's Pipsqueaks.(who,as it turns out, had recently taken over the town's candy store, Sugar Daddy's Candy Shack and Confectioner's Emporium), the only survivor of the gang was their leader, Minus 1 as he is called.

Poor Minus 1 got out his midget sized sawed off pump action shotgun and fired at the fugly bird and to his horror it had no effect whatsoever,(due mainly to that fact that a pump action cork gun can't hurt anything),and this made him the victim of the bird's reign of terror and helped me to discover that it doesn't kill it's victims, it only makes them dumber!

I knew this for a fact as Minus 1,(after getting out of the bird's sucking beak), started chasing cars like a dog chasing a frisbee! So I took off again running down the street, I saw people everywhere and knew that if I didn't do something fast that the city was doomed to a fate of stupidity, so as I ran I shouted," RUN FOR YOUR LIVES", except for the convention of telemarketers at whom I yelled,"PLEASE REMAIN CALM AND STAY SEATED", and drew the buffalo bird's attention to them! He fell for it and had a banquet and I just kept on running!........



It has been several months since that incident happened, but from what I have heard, the brain sucking buffalo bird went on to become the world's greatest telemarketer, which only proves that it was sent by Satan to destroy the world! Anyway last week I got a call from a telemarketer and it had to be the bird because I could hear his backwards fart squawk, I hope it's reign of terror is truly over OR IS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????????