What's worse

I don't know what to say or how to say this but today feels like it will be one of those days. The kind that everything goes wrong no matter what you attempt. Even inaction will prove to be a problem. If you go out of your way to not make an attempt, you end up losing your chance at something incredible as well. Just one of those days where you want to hide under your blankets and wish you could sleep until something awesome happens, but unfortunately that can only be a fantasy.



Since I am a responsible adult now, I guess the next thing I should do is get out of bed and hope to the god I don't believe except when things scare me that I can just go to work and come home and just drift away into slumber and dream about pretty Japanese girls doing homework then turn into scouts or something. I don't know.



I live in this apartment near the river that runs through the city I live in. Right across the river is downtown and on this side of the river is mostly transients, but someone had the idea of building apartments along this side of the river to capitalize on the low real estate costs. It's effective for hard working college students such as myself. Most of these apartments are efficiencies that come with a bathroom. The kitchen and the living room/ bedroom is divided by a counter where I have bar stools. There is not table in the small kitchen area just the counter where I eat my breakfast and drink beer with friends on the weekend. I sleep on a futon sofa that is situated in front of my thirty two inch flat screen television and my glass coffee table that is covered in gaming magazines and controllers.



The wall that my television has it's back against also has the sliding doors to my balcony. Which is next to my television. On the wall to the right, that's where my desk with my laptop is situated. I don't have a stereo because, well I don't need one. On the opposite wall from my desk is the bathroom door and that's it for my apartment I guess.



Walking barefoot from the carpeted living room to the cold tile kitchen floor is a big no no for me. I have to wear my fuzzy black slippers and since I have to match, I wear my black pajama pants with various hot sauces printed all over them. Look how festive I am. I don't wear a shirt while I am at home because I don't have to and besides its my home not yours. Don't judge me. You don't even know what I look like.



I do a quick scan of my kitchen for anything ready to eat and I absently turn on the coffee pot. I like to fill it up before going to bed just to make my day easier and gives me less to do in the morning. Its bad enough I have to remember to dress myself. I do not need anything extra to get in my way. Once I open the fridge I already know I am grabbing the milk with fortified vitamin D. Nothing like some 'D in the morning I always say. I place it on the counter and grab some generic raisin bran from on top of the fridge. You know the kind that comes in a bag and not a box. I grab a bowl, spoon, and banana and mix all my ingredients together and eat. There is something about raisin bran that puts me in a good mood.  Must be the fact that it is both cheap and healthy. Two things that do not in no way always go together.



After finishing my cereal and putting my unwashed bowl in the sink, I learn that I did not put water in the coffee maker last night. The pot breaks from the heat of the burner as it anxiously waited for the mixture to pour. I should have known this would happen. My only consolation is that coffee makers are pretty cheap. I grab my dust pan and brush and take care of the shattered glass on the floor before I make my move out of this tiny space.





I guess this shouldn't be a surprise either, but as soon as I think I am done picking up the glass and calmly make my way to the bathroom, I end up stepping on a tiny little piece of rogue glass. I hop to the bathroom as I drip blood on the tile and carpet. I turn on the water in the bath tub and wash my foot and pick the glass out. I let it flow down the drain with the unusual large amounts of blood in my foot, but I guess the human foot is more vascular than I had previous thought.



When you are having a bad day, saying or even thinking that it can't get worse or muttering “now what?” will let you know what's next and how worse it can get. Which is something I should have remembered when the water coming from the faucet just stopped. My eyes widen and my mouth hangs open in disbelief. I stand on one foot and turn off the faucet and try to turn on the sink's faucet and nope, there is no water there either. I let out a huge annoyed sigh and slouch my shoulders in defeat. I clean off the water and blood from my foot with a towel and apply a bandage to keep me from bleeding on my socks. Now by now you are wondering how I got this glass in my foot if I wore slippers. They fell off while I was sitting down on my bar stool. I don't make the rules! Gravity does!



I have a few hours until work and I could really use some coffee right now. I go to my living room closet which is next to my door which is next to my kitchen. Does it matter where it is? It's there! It's just there! I grab some clothes and I put them on. Just a black shirt with a breast pocket then some bluish-gray relaxed fit jeans. I hate tight jeans and boot cut. Especially, boot cut. I lace up my awesome normal looking skater shoes that I swear to God everyone at my college wears. I grab my phone, keys and gray hoodie and I am out the door.



I make my way down the stairs and try to avoid as many people as humanly possible before I get to my motorcycle. It's one of those Japanese ones. One day I hope to own a futuristic looking one like in those anime' cartoons that people like. I don't mean to sound sarcastic, but I can not help it. Some people I work with and go to school with are just on a level that is beyond nerdy. They make regular, average joe nerds looks dumb in comparison.



I forgot my helmet in my closet and I would really hate to end up as street pizza so I rush back upstairs and maintain my anti-social behavior. I open my apartment, go through my closet, grab my helmet and dash out of there. I lock the door quickly because at this point, I'm not taking any chances. I make it back to my bike. I fire it up and I am on my way to a local coffee shop in the neighborhood. I park outside and leave my helmet on my bike which actually comes with this neat way to lock the helmet on the bike that I never use unless I am out and about.



I check my phone for any messages or any status updates  then enter the coffee shop as I slide it back into my pants pocket. The aroma of coffee being brewed is enough to awaken me and for the first time today, I am relaxed. I smile at the barista and order a large coffee with french vanilla creamer. She looks at me kind of odd but takes my order anyway, matching it up with whatever best translates to what I requested. She takes my name and asks me to have a seat and wait.



A few minutes pass and my name is called. I grab my coffee and take a whiff of the delightful aroma and thank the lady. I tip the jar and pleasantly make my way back to my seat. Except there is one problem and I stop dead in my tracks almost spilling my coffee all over me. My heart begins to beat wildly as if its trying to escape my chest and my breathing increases and becomes labored. I try to calm myself but I can not help it. Not with her around. Not with her sitting at the small little table I had claimed just minutes earlier. I think I am going to have my first panic attack. I am not sure what can be done at this point except for exiting. Not sure how non-conspicuous I can be but I am willing to try my luck.

“Hey!” She sees me and her beautiful face lights up with joy. I awkwardly smile back at her and wave. “Have a seat with me!” She motions to the chair in front of her. I nod and oblige her offer, keeping a firm grip on the cup of coffee I just received.



“How have you been, Sophia?” I ask trying to keep my composure. This is the woman that I had fallen in love with years ago while we were in high school. I had not the courage to let her know but she was always there as my friend and we shared a lot of the same classes. I had wanted to ask her to prom but she moved away before I could mention it to her. I hadn't seen her since.



“I've been great! I just moved back into the city so I can go to college here. I just moved into one of these apartments by the river.” She sighs and looks at me funny. “It seems like it's been forever since I have seen you.”



“I agree.” I can't help but look her in those beautiful green eyes. Her skin a slight tan but kind of pale compared to her black hair. Her smile is bright and big and can melt any cold-hearted attitude with it's warm shine. Every time that I have been around her, nothing mattered. All my worries were gone when she was in the same room as me.



“You seem so tense.” Her smile fades and she has a concerned look on her face. I feel guilty for my awkward attitude but I can not help it as I try to hide my excitement of seeing her again. I do not want to look desperate or like a raving lunatic. I just remembered I didn't have a chance to shower. Great!

“I'm sorry.” I shake my head trying to keep my composure. “This is unexpected, but I am glad that you moved back.” I try to make my smile look less awkward and creepy but I'm sure my efforts are not helping. Someone shoot me.



“Yeah, all those years I was gone all I did was think about you.” She sighs and tears her eyes away from my glance. Her shoulders slouch in her pink cardigan on which her beautiful long hair rests. I'm taking in too much detail but this is sensory and emotional overload that I feel. “I didn't realize how much I would miss you.” She looks back at me waiting for a reply. Her worried expression is anticipating the worse out of me.

         

I don't know how to respond in this situation. I never prepared for this and yet, on all the days for this to happen to me, it's the one day I know that nothing will go right no matter my choices. What am I supposed to do? I missed her so much. I thought about her everyday wondering what kind of life she was living. Wondering if she ever thought about me or cared about what I was up to. We spent a lot of time together back then as friends. This is my dreams and prayers answered right in front of me.



“I...” can't do this. I can not tell her how I feel or how I felt. She would think I was weird and I don't know. This is too tense for me to handle. Just...ah...fuck it! “I missed you so much. I thought about you everyday and I regret that I never told you how I felt about you back then and before I knew it, you were gone. I didn't even have the guts to tell you then when it mattered and now I am in this coffee shop with a second chance and none of the words I want to say are coming to me and all that I am saying now is this stream of consciousness psycho-babble that I physically have no control over.” I exhale loudly and slouch in my seat. I can not even look at her at the moment. What the hell did I just do? What a great way to NOT look like an idiot. Go me.







“Well...” She stops herself to collect her thoughts. I can tell she's trying to come up with the right words to say to me. I suppose to let me down easily. I don't care now. I got that out of my system and I can move on with my life. “How do you feel about me?”



“What?” I thought I made my emotions clear that I was crazy about her. Why is she asking that? Does she need more ammunition to turn me down in the most horrible way possible? Is she thoroughly going to tear apart my ego and feelings and make sport of me? So many thoughts in my head I just can not contain myself. I lean forward and prepare to explicitly tell her how I feel. I'm this far down the rabbit hole anyway. Might as well get this Alice to wonderland. “I've always had this thing for you and I could never tell you. The day you left. The day you were gone out of my life, I realized how much I loved you but I was terrified and I couldn't tell you how I felt because I didn't know how you would react. The thought of rejection scared me so much that I thought it was better to keep it all in and pretend I didn't feel that way for you, but now here we are and I don't know what to do.”



“hmm...” She leans forward and has her hands together like she is thinking of a nasty plot to destroy my inner workings. Here comes the death of my insides. “In some ways. I am glad that you didn't tell me then.” Here comes the rest. Oh she has that sinister smile of death. My heart is tearing in two. “I wouldn't be able to handle the heart break caused by our separation if you would have done that.” She confesses. Her eyes begin to water but she quickly wipes away any moisture.



“What?” I reply still not understanding what is unfolding in front of me. What is this heartbreak she is speaking of? Did she like me back then? Did I have a shot? What the hell is wrong with me?



“I didn't know if you liked me or not so I kept to myself. I didn't want you to know because I was afraid that you didn't feel the same way about me, but I tried so hard to keep your attention and to show you that I was interested in you but you didn't seem to notice and I began to worry that I didn't mean anything to you like you did me.” She wipes her watery eyes once more then continues. “The last day I saw you, I thought that was the day. The day you would let me know if you felt anything for me or not.” She looks away from me again. The pain and anguish from that day. The same feelings I had she had for me. I start to feel guilty of a horrible act against humanity.



“I'm sorry.” I reach for her hands and place them in mine. “I promise to make it up to you in anyway that I can. If I would have been more of a man back then, you would have known.” I nervously chuckle and sigh. “Maybe you're right about me not telling you being a good thing. What would we have done once you moved away? The pain of our unrequited love would have torn us to shreds from the inside out and the separation would have driven us to madness.”



“We can make things right.” She smiles at me with renewed hope and I can not help myself. I'm smiling back at her and this time it's not my awkward smile. “You've always had such a handsome smile.” She touches my face and I get a warm sensation from her touch. The hair on the back of my neck stands up as do I.



“Sophia...” She stands up as well. She comes closer to me and I instinctively hold her tight and close to me. She is about six inches shorter than me and she holds onto me tightly as best as she can. The smell of her perfume fills my nostrils and drives my emotions wild. I missed her so much. “I love you...”

“I love you too...”