My Heart Out

I have been going through a rough patch of my life,well I think I never came out of it!I am extremely sensitive,my tears can come even at a pinch of skin.Well that's because I have endured a lot and that's not because people always hurt me but I have this schizophrenic attitude(I think I am having paranoid schizophrenia) which forces me to think what one person might be thinking and then even when I am not sure I keep this delusions and live my life on these terms( which might sometimes not be true but my mind may be making them up),because of all this sadness inside me I act rude towards people,hurt them when I really don't mean to do,I cry all the time.I have to fake a smile all the time to make others happy.I take little things too seriously and because of that I had always suffered in my academics because I can't concentrate!,the thoughts of what others might be thinking haunt me every second!I have never,believe me never for a long long time experienced what true happiness is,what does fun looks like,because every time my family or friends plan a outing or a get together,what goes in my mind is-not something natural but like I have to follow certain rules to be with them,I never speak my heart out,because I don't want them to think I am bad or they should not know my real emotions,I act and speak only what they like and care a lot to not speak up or do something which might hurt them!So,Basically I have no real friends except my God because I am still alive(even after enduring such pain)just because of him!I love him and I know he is with me.I just wanted to see how my life would had been if there was not so much in my mind going.I am tired of all this fake-ness I have developed in myself,I forgot how I actually was or whats true me!I am tired!:(