The Truth is not Easy

This is my first article and i am really confused how to and where to start. I don't have any fixed ideas in my head about what to write, this is a true story of my life. Hi my name is Dev Mukherjee. I am 21 years old and it seems sometimes life went by so fast. how did i become 21? 21x365 days... whoa!! so many moments,so many memories..
I was born in a middle class brahmin family. my father is a banker and my mom is a house maker. i have two elder sisters.
i was quite an average boy in school. i remained quiet,wasnt notorious or a very big trouble maker. in high school i made friends who were not the "good boys".. i experienced puberty and the transformation from an innocent little boy to an average teenager happened. i learnt everything good and bad..
when i was in class 11, i started playing guitar. i wasnt into music before that at all..about the same time i fell in love with a girl named rupsa... the last two years of school life went by either making music or having vodka parties with my friends or hanging out with rupsa....anyway school ended pretty soon and i cleared the entrance exams and joined an engineering college in Durgapur.
it was the first time i would be going away from home. away from my family. to a new place,where there would me no one to scold me. no one to tell me what to do... i would be the master of my fate.. i would be the captain of my soul ..
and yes i was pretty excited about the whole idea.. yeah it was true i cried at the thought of leaving those friends,leaving behind rupsa... going to a new city... but the excitement ecclipsed it all....
so there was i... in my room packing my bags... i would be off to durgapur the next morning... after my bags were packed, i decided to call up rupsa... little did i know what was about to come...
after two years of going out with me... after all those kisses.. she came out so cold... she laid it out so plainly... as if it really was that simple.. here's what she said " Dev, you will be going to a new city,to a new college,to have a new life... i think its time we should break up.. have a happy life.move on.we were not meant to be"
i was dumbstruck... she was my first girlfriend. and this was my first breakup?.. i cried like insane.. mom thought it was because i was feeling sad to go away from home and started crying too... but i couldnt stand the pain.. i wanted to gulp bottle after bottle of vodka... but couldnt... i couldnt sleep the whole night
there was i next morning..sleepless the whole night.eyes red, on the bus to durgapur... i couldnt stop thinking about her... i thought about how i used to dream about calling her up every night from durgapur and she wouls say how much she misses me... you know in life you always want someone by you... someone who will love you, be with you..... and when you lose someone like i just did you realise their importance even more...
it was the first day of college...
the greeting the new city and the new college gave me wasnt like what i expected it to be...
the heat... the hot dry breeze... seemed to suck the life out of me... as i was walking into the college campus from my mess i started scanning the surroundings... i looked at the buildings with glass windows wondering which one amongst them would be my classroom.... seniors started bullying people around me.. it was what they called "ragging"... i had been through too much pain to take their shit.. so i hardly cared.. i didnt give a fuck to what they were saying... it was like i could see them talking,their lips moving,spit coming out as they were shouting to make them look even scarier... but i couldnt hear a damn thing... rupsa was all that was in my mind... i dont know if i caught extra attention but it seemed the seniors were more interested in me than any of the others....
i entered my classroom Mechanical GF01.. i scanned the room hoping against hope to find a familiar face... but alas there were none... i saw that this classroom was bigger than my school's... though the students looked more boring than my buddies at school... i settled in a seat towards the back of the classroom... i started feeling choked.. where did i come? did i take a wrong decision by coming here? this was such a fucked up place... hot classrooms... noisy fans... 99% of the students were boys... all of them except me had their hair cropped as if they were in a army school... there was just two girls in the classroom... none of them worth a second glimpse...
i felt like crying.. i felt suicidal.. but then i let it pass....
i came to my mess and quickly changed and went out for a ciggarette... as i lit one up... someone asked me from behind "1st year?"
i turned to look a thin guy with specs and long hair... he looked like a stoner-musician hippie.. i said yes and threw away my ciggarette.. i knew i was in trouble... these seniors dont go easy when they find freshers smoking or acting like "dudes"
instead i was shocked to see him extending his hand.. i looked up..
he said "hi.i am raju... mech 4th year. you?"
"dev.mechanical 1st year"
before i realised the ice between us broke and i had the first conversation with someone the whole day... he invited me to his room which i relently accepted..
as i walked in i was greeted to a new world... a world of weed...
there was a strange,captivating,strong aroma in his room.. it kinda suffocated you but made you breathe in more of that.. my head felt dizzy... the room was dimly lit... filled with smoke and had speakers blasting out "Nirvana"
"make yourself comfortable" he said...
i sat down... he opened his bag.. to bring out a box... he opened the lid and i saw about a dozen of funny looking cigaretes
he offered me one and said "have a puff"
i asked "what are these?"
"joints" said he
"joints?"
"ya man... weed... dont you know?"
"oh...kay.... umm.. i havnt... i dont smoke weed" muttered i
"come on! light it up! you know you want it"
and i dont know why or how but i lighted it up
puff...puff... cough... cough.. cough!!
it was something i never had before.. but it felt good... i could feel my head get ting lighter as the pressure and toil of the whole day started to disappear....
being a first timer and having a sleepless night the other day, i was tripping out like insane....
i started liking the thing.. didnt know it would stay with me throughout that college...
gradually life started to fall in routine...
i used to go to college and before returning to my mess used to drop by raju da's room for a joint or two... sometimes three...
later i found out raju da also played the guitar which made us get closer... we would jam together. smoke together.. he was the only good thing tht hapend in that fucked up place... i started to get over rupsa... though there would have been nights nothing would trouble me more....
soon i made more friends... some in class,some here,some there..
i got quite popular in college by the middle of the 1st semester...
i started to think of forming a college band..which always was like a dream to me...
i had to shift to hostel because food was pretty horrible in the mess i used to live..
hostel brought about a lot of changes in me...
by the end of second year i went to assansol with 4 of my classmates to do a vocational training @ eastern railways... while staying there one weekend we all went out to roam the city...
suddenly one of our friends had this idea of going to a brothel there.. Lachipur was quite famous of being a brothel in assansol...
we asked some local pan shops and soon got directions... as we were walking i started to think what we would do when we get there? i was 20... i was a virgin... was it a high time to finally get rid of that V tag?
i didnt have an answer...
as we reached there i felt numb...
i saw semi nude girls on both sides of the streets asking us to go to them... they were shouting out their prices which were unbelievably low considering the hardship one has to face to lose his virginity... but no matter how lucrative it was... there was a sting in my heart saying to me "dont do this"
i should have listened to that voice...
i realise that today...

anyway when i was in third year i met a girl named pooja jalan(pj was what she used to be called by her friends)
or was she just a girl?
she was everything i could ask for
as if she was made by god for me
all of her qualities.everything was so much similar to my likings
we became the best friends overnight
soon i started developing feelings for her.. and it seemed like my feelings were getting reciprocated...
i thought one night about rupsa
what if this girl turns out to be something similar?
a cold hearted bitch
no she couldnt
i realised i never loved rupsa the way i loved pooja
she was the one for me... but i was too scared to share my feelings with her... what if she says no? what if i lose her? i was too scared...
pooja knew almost everything about me... except obviously that lachipur incident...
one night i drank about two and a half bottles of beer...
i gathered up all my courage and told pooja how i felt for her....
she didnt reply...
i waited till the next morning...
still she didnt reply..
she usually didnt take so much time to reply... she used to send me mushy goodmorning texts every morning... i realised something was wrong... i quickly textd her that i said all those because i was drunk and not to take them seriously... she replied after 5 minutes and i thanked the genius in me for saving the day...
but i couldnt keep it in me for long... one day while walking with her... i told her...
this time looking straight through her eyes...
i could see her eyes glow...
but she didnt say anything that day and asked for time...
she told me her story that night about how a guy named kunal ditched her... and she didnt trust in love or relationships any longer... i tried to make her comfortable... told her my side of the story..about rupsa...
anyway days went by and we grew closer...
so close i was expecting a yes from her any moment...
but he still didnt say it...
magical she was... hard to get
finally on 20th oct, i was celebrating a room mate's birthday,when she sent me a huge text.... followed by a small one..
the big one was all about how much i mean to her and how much she likes me.... the small one had three words...
"I LOVE YOU"
i was overjoyed!! i started jumping... it was like all i ever wished for...
we were the hottest couple in the campus...
news about us spread like wild fire
in no time people from all over the college started asking either of us about how it happened or to give them a treat
we were having the time of our lives
one week went by
one night i was listening to some pink floyd alone in my room when the memory of that lachipur incident flashed my mind
should i tell her?
she has the right to know... but will she be able to accept me?
will her love still be there?
i thought and thought... but couldnt come up with a decision...
days went by
she noticed something bothering me and asked me "something wrong dev?"
i looked in her eyes... those innocent little black eyes asking for an answer and i couldnt lie
i couldnt hide
i told her everything
and broke down in tears
if i knew she was about to come in my life i would have never ever gone there
but whats done is done
she was hurt
she felt cheated....

but then she calmed herself down
she appreciated my honesty
she said she understood...
but i really felt bad for her
i knew she was accepting the fact because she had no other option...
she was too scared to be all alone again..

but it hurt her...everyday more than yesterday...
finally she couldnt bear it anymore...
within three months,we started having so much problems...
the things she found funny in me seemed irritating now... the things she found cute now became "gay"
the romance faded away...
but the love is still there...
miss you... come back... forgive me...



# the truth is never easy