Headed for the Bar

Heading for the Bar by David Prisco

5am and I haven’t had a wink of sleep yet. I lie in bed and have racing thoughts about my past, and what lies ahead for me in the future. My future is uncertain and I don’t know what is to become of me. Sometimes I don’t even think I will make it to 50. I know what you are saying – “Dave it’s the same ol’ story with you. If you are so unhappy with your life do something to improve it.” Well, I’m open for suggestions. One thing I know I’m going to do and that is when I get my pension check in a few days I’m going to cash it and find a local bar and get drunk. This life of sobriety is for the birds. I’m going to sit at a bar order finger foods, hot wings, and drink enough beer until I get my full.

Why should I remain sober when the whole world is getting high? Whether it’s from the 2 packs of cigarettes you smoke a day or the blood pressure medication you take to ease your aching heart. The whole world is getting high, so why should I be any different. I’ve been sober for months, and do I feel any happier? Do I feel like I’ve accomplished anything? Not a damn thing. I’ll stay away from the cocaine and the marijuana, but I’m going to go out and have a few beers because I need to unwind. I take 2mg of Xanax 4 times a day, and it does absolutely shit for me. I still suffer from anxiety and I am still restless and unable to relax. So, what do I do know? Go to my shrink and tell him the meds he has me on are not working? Then he’ll write me a whole bunch of new scripts for a whole different set of medications, and I’ll be right back where I started.

These endless pills I take day in and day out or fucking useless. I take them every day but my depression never ends or goes away. But if I go off them for a few days then I experience withdrawal and pain like I’ve been addicted to heroin. There’s got to be and answer. There’s got to be a way to find happiness without having to take 50 fucking anti-depressant pills every day. I had the answer. I had a nice home and a good family but I lost them. So, what lies ahead for me now? I don’t know. The only thing I do know is at the end of the month I’m going to give up months of sobriety and get wasted on beer and shots of Jack Daniels. Then when I get drunk I won’t feel the pain of depression. I won’t feel sadness, and who knows maybe I’ll make a few friends while I’m getting wasted at the bar.