Questions for Kathy [#41 Kathy]

Questions

         for Kathy

Is it safe to leave the inner recesses of this cave? I stick my head outside to know the world's still out there, pulsing beyond my coiled form. Within my shell I only hear my racing heart. I beg it slacken.

I am the snail and hibernating bear, the cocooned moth destined for star light. I hide behind nightmares, avoid the snorting stallions of dawn.

Is it safe to say I'm drowning in this world, angry at myself. Can I surface now?

I could say I'm numb, but I'm not. In truth, could say I became dumb years ago. But these lies don't help. They only serve to hide the crumbs of growing up, the secrets I was never allowed to know, the secrets I knew but could not share. I didn't share, secret or not. I was never sure which were to be concealed.

In how many layers of shyness was I wrapped before I was 5? Why at 15 did I long to scream out rage. Then the shame... and recoil back into myself. Wrapped in a smile, I hid behind the person others thought I was. Better to live the outside lie to protect the inner self.

Yet life is bitter within a shell, lonely within a cave.

Tell me... dare I be brave... is it safe to burst forth now?

© Kåre Enga [168.262] #41 November, 2011.

Earlier published version:

Questions

         for Kathy

Is it safe to leave the inner recesses of this cave? I stick my head outside to know the world's still out there, pulsing beyond my coiled form. Within my shell I only hear my racing heart. I beg it slacken.

I am the snail and hibernating bear, the cocooned moth destined for star light. I hide behind nightmares, avoid the snorting stallions of dawn.

Is it safe to say I'm drowning in this world, angry at myself. Can I surface now?

I could say I'm numb, but I'm not. In truth, could say I became numb years ago. But these lies don't help. They only serve to hide the numbness of growing up, the secrets I was never allowed to know, the secrets I knew but could not share. I didn't share, secret or not. I was never sure which were to be concealed.

In how many layers of shyness was I wrapped before I was 5. Why at 15 did I long to scream out rage. Then the shame ...and recoil back into myself. Wrapped in a smile, I hid behind the person others thought I was. Better to live the outside lie to protect the inner self.

But life is bitter within a shell, lonely within a cave.

Tell me ...is it safe to burst forth now?

© Kåre Enga [168.262] #41 November, 2011. rev'd 2013 2nd revision March 7th.

Note: earlier version:

Is it safe to leave the inner recesses of this cave? I stick my head out to know the world's still out there, pulsing beyond my coiled form. Within my shell I only hear my own racing heart. I beg it slow down.

I am the snail and hibernating bear, the cocooned moth destined for star light. I hide behind nightmares, avoid the snorting stallions of dawn.

Is it safe to say I'm angry at this world, angry at myself. Can I come out now?

I could say I'm numb, but I'm not. In truth, could say I became numb years ago. But these lies wouldn't help. They only serve to hide the numbness of growing up, the secrets I was never allowed to know, the secrets I knew but could not share. I didn't share, secret or not. I was never sure which was to be concealed, which not.

In how many layers of shyness was I wrapped before I was 5. Why at 15 did I long to scream out my rage. Then the shame ...and recoil back into myself. Wrapped in a smile, I hid behind what others thought I was. Better to live the outside lie to protect the inner self.

But life is bitter within a shell, lonely within a cave.

Tell me ...is it safe to come out?