Something in the Woods

        “Didjya see ‘em agin last night Bobby?” The gnarled old fellow pulled a crumpled, whitish hanky from his left back pocket and pressed it against his nostrils. The noise that followed sounded something like the offspring of a goose and an elephant. After wiping his nose and then his bifocal spectacles, he returned the rag to his pocket.

         “Yeah, I saw ‘em alright! Damndest thing, too! A guy just can’t git used to it, ya know? It gist ain’t natural!” Bobby’s eyes were wide as he spoke. He took his battered ball cap off his grey head and placed it on the park bench next to his old friend Buzz and took a seat. “Probly the damned government runnin’ experiments agin! Why, back in the war, I was a gunny, ya know, back in the war we…”

         “Yeah, Bobby, I know all about yer dusty old war stories; tell me ‘bout dem lights ya old fool!” His dark blue slacks rose from his ankles, revealing he’d forgotten his socks again, as he leaned forward putting his good ear closer to Bobby so he wouldn’t miss any of the details. His mouth hung slightly open in anticipation.

         “Oh clamp yer jaw, ya gapin’ fool, afore ya lose yer teeth agin!” Bobby shifted himself on the bench and leaned his cane against it between his knees as an angry squirrel chattered from a nearby maple tree as if to punctuate Bobby’s frustration. Muttering something about the damned weather man he unzipped the jacket he’d put on earlier that morning, took it off and draped it over his cane. Buzz rolled his eyes skyward, raising his hands in the air. As he did a slight breeze lifted his poorly placed toupee from his scalp. It flopped backwards over the back of his head. With a reddened face his hands dashed to his bald scalp, fingers fumbling over the tussled toupee. Bobby chortled, “Serves ya right ya inbred ox! Why do ya keep wearin’ that dead cat on yer head, anyway? Yer not foolin’ anyone!”

With an angry grunt, Buzz yanked the rug off his head and threw it on the bench next to Bobby’s old hat, then snatched up the hat and flopped it over his naked scalp. Leveling his gaze and a twisted, arthritic finger at Bobby he asked, “You gonna tell yer story er not? I can’t sit here all mornin’ ya know!”

Bobby chuckled, “Awright, Buzz, awright! Don’t lose yer britches over it, Lord knows no one wants to see ya wearin’ my jacket over yer pasty ass!” Bobby’s laughter died as Buzz started to get up off the bench. “Sit down ya old buzzard, ya wanna hear it, or not?” Buzz reluctantly lowered himself back onto the bench. “Man alive! Yer no fun since they cancelled Matlock!” Clearing his throat, he began telling his tale.

“Milly and I was on the back porch with our evenin’ tea. We’d just finished watchin’ the sunset and we was about go inside and call it a night, you know what sunsets do to Milly…” Bobby’s grin was revealing more than his words; Buzz’s lingering glare prompted him on. “Anyway, we was about to go inside and that’s when we saw ‘em dancin’ round in the sky like a couple a squirrels all hyped up on that crack cocaine!”

“What color was they this time?” By now the glare was gone and Buzz’s wrinkled face had lit up like a kid at the candy store window, blue eyes sparkling with excitement.

“They started out same as last time, red and green, at least they was ‘til the noise started!” If Buzz was bubbling with excitement before, he was a cockroach in a frying pan now. He picked up the wig from the bench and started wringing it in his hands; he couldn’t sit still.

“Sound? There was sound this time? What kinda sound was it?” Bobby thought he might fall off the bench if he didn’t settle down.

“It was a thump, thump, thump, thump sound, almost like Indians beatin’ on drums! Hey, listen, why donchya come on out to the place tonight? If it happened two nights in a row, mebbe it’ll happen agin tonight!” Buzz’s reaction was nearly instant.

“Yeah! That’s a great idea! Milly’ll make that casserole dish she’s afamed for?”

“The one an’ only blue ribbon best, my friend!” Bobby’s smile returned as he gave Buzz a knowing wink, “Bring some of that brown barrel ale of yers an’ we got a deal!”

“Well if ya put it that way…!” At that they both laughed, clapping each other on the back.

*****

Buzz watched his old friend hobble up the street to his car a half block away. He let his mind wander nostalgic avenues for a moment before letting out a long sigh and rising slowly from his perch. Turning the opposite direction, he ambled down the sidewalk to the corner market to pick up a case of beer for the “ale” he’d promised to bring. Old age had robbed him of his hair, wits, memory and countless other things including his knack for homemade brew. They’d never know the difference anyway. On the way to the market was the ice cream parlor.  The sweet scents of chocolate, vanilla, and other delectable diversions filled his nostrils making his stomach voice a desire to indulge. He turned and entered the small shop.

As he opened the door he was greeted by the jingling of sleigh bells hanging from the door handle which proudly rang in each customer of the day. He was also greeted by the round smiling face of the owner behind the counter.

“Buzz! How are ya today! Come on in, this one’s on the house!” Buzz smiled and returned the greeting in kind with a friendly wave of his hand. “What’ll it be?”

“Come on, Jimmy, do ya still need to ask?”

“You’re right, Buzz, silly question! Triple chocolate surprise it is, then, have a seat, will ya?” Jimmy chuckled as he began scooping from one of the buckets in the coffin-cooler. Buzz inched his way up onto a stool in front of the counter. Once he’d shifted himself into a comfortable position he noticed a couple of young men seated near the front window speaking softly.

“Hey, did you hear old man Andrews is going off on another crazy story?”

“Yeah? What this time? A lochness monster in his pond? Maybe Bigfoot again?”

“No, something about lights in the woods behind his house. Cataracts, if you ask me. That old nut is a few apples shy of a bushel!”

“Yeah, tell me about it. You should hear his war stories!”

“Believe me, I have!” Both boys laughed then went on talking about school, sports, and girls. Buzz let out another long sigh.

“Here ya go, just the way you like it!” Jimmy extended the cone, but Buzz just waved a hand.

“Never mind. I guess I’m not hungry after all.” Without looking back at Jimmy, he slid off the stool and made his way toward the door.

“Are you sure? Wouldn’t want it to go to waste!” Buzz just waved him off again and reached for the door.

“Naw. Thanks anyway.”

“Ok, then. Come back any time, alright?” Buzz turned his head enough to give him a forced smile and another friendly wave, and then left for the market before making his way home.

*****

As he got out of his car and shuffled his way to Bobby’s front door, Buzz noticed what a clear evening it was. It wouldn’t be sunset for a couple of hours, but colors were already splashing across the edge of the sky’s blue canvas. He could smell Milly’s Hyacinths as he passed the flower box hanging from the front window. He shifted the small, brown barrel in his arms as he bent to admire them. Just as he raised his fist to knock, the door flew open.

“Buzz!” Buzz stumbled back a few steps nearly losing his footing.

“What the hell’s wrong with ya! Ya nearly kilt me! Even worse, I nearly dropped the ale!” Buzz exclaimed, but his complaint was lost in Bobby’s laughter.

“Aw, yer fine! Now come in and sit down afore ya fall over!” Bobby chided, guiding Buzz to the dining room. The meal was full of laughter as the two rehashed stories they’d told a million times over. After the plates were emptied and the table cleared, Bobby cleared his throat, “Hey, the sun’s startin’ to set, better go git out to the porch!”

As if on cue the lights began almost immediately, “Look! There it goes now!” Cried Bobby.

“I see it! I see it! Red an’ green, just like you said!”

Bobby leaned closer to Buzz, “I know they all think I’m a looney, Buzz. Tonight I’m gonna prove ‘em wrong.” He pulled a small camera from his shirt pocket. “Pictures don’t lie, old friend. They can’t call pictures crazy! Come on!” In a moment Bobby had grabbed his cane and was hobbling toward the tree line.

“Bobby! You are crazy! Where ya goin?” Buzz called. Just as he reached the trees Bobby paused and held up the camera.

“For proof, ya idiot! I’m gonna git proof!”

“Yer goin’ out there? In the woods?”

“Well the mountain sure didn’t go to Muhammad, Buzz!” Bobby turned and disappeared into the trees.

“Dammit, ya brain dead goat, wait for me!” Buzz grabbed the porch railing and pulled himself to his feet, then hurried to catch up to his friend. He caught him a few yards past the tree line.

“You’re gonna get us killed!” Bobby just kept walking. “You don’t even know what that thing is, it could be dangerous!” Their pace didn’t slow. Buzz gave up trying to convince him and just followed along.

They were almost close enough to put the lights right over head when the thumping started.

“There! Just over that hill! From there I can get the shot I need!” Before Buzz could respond, he’d resumed his pace. When they finally reached the top of the hill, they couldn’t believe what they saw.

“I’m goin’ home now, Bobby. Thanks for havin’ me for dinner, but I’m tired, I’d better go.” Buzz put a sympathetic hand on his friend’s shoulder, but he could only just stand and stare. Spread out in a small valley below were at least two dozen drunken teenagers with a boom-box and a small black globe. The globe emitted an array of different colors that danced to the beat of the “music”. Then they heard another sound just a few yards away that startled them from the commotion below. It sounded like someone choking. They turned in time to witness one of the boys from the ice cream shop finish emptying his stomach into the leaves carpeting the forest floor.  As he wiped off his chin he looked up to see the two old men standing and staring.

“Hey everybody, it’s old man Andrews and his good buddy Buzzed!” He paused a moment holding a hand over his mouth, swaying a little, then went on, “Hey, you two better be careful out here, I heard there’s been some weird lights in the woods!” The boy doubled over in laughter, then commenced retching again.

Bobby turned to face Buzz, “I just don’t understand; I was so sure this time.”

“Ya can’t win ‘em all, Bobby.”

“Well yeah, but I can’t always be wrong, can I?” Bobby’s face was still blank with astonishment.

“Bobby, yer the only person I know that can always be wrong!” This time it was Bobby’s face going dark. He snatched his hat from Buzz’s head and smacked the back of it sending the toupee, Buzz had so carefully replaced earlier that day, flying to the ground. They stared at one another for a moment, and then burst into laughter. Leaving the youngsters to their play, they turned to leave.

“It ain’t our world anymore, Buzz.”

“I know, Bobby, I know.”