It all started with goodbye

Chapter one
As I stared out across the lake I thought about everything I had been through in the last year. This had been a bad year. It started with my sister being killed in a car accident. I couldn’t even think about that incident without tears welling up in my eyes. Kelsey, I thought, if you can hear me I’m so sorry. I hope that the pain has ended. I love you. I had been in that accident with her but I had survived and I regretted it every day of my life. Why did I have to survive? I couldn’t help but think and be drawn back into that day.
It had started out just like any other day. I got up, got dressed, and got in the car to go to school. My sister, Kelsey, had been driving me around for the last six months. My sister was a very good driver and as we got onto the ramp for Interstate thirty-five Kelsey didn’t see the eighteen-wheeler driving too fast. She merged in just right but quickly regretted that decision when she saw the eighteen-wheeler. Kelsey saw it but barely had time to say anything before it collided with the back end of the car. I smashed my head into the window next to me and passed out. When I woke up I was sitting in the car and there was so much blood everywhere. I began to freak out. I looked over at my sister who had a huge gash in her head and was losing blood fast. Without thinking I climbed over to my sister ignoring the pain in my right leg, and pulled her out of her seat and placed her in the passenger side. At the time I had no idea why I did it but my subconscious knew.
I placed my hand over my sister’s head for pressure and began searching her neck for a pulse and got frustrated when I couldn’t find one. I began freaking out, come on Kelsey, please don’t die on me. You can’t leave me here. Please come back. I began sobbing uncontrollably, and when the ambulance finally arrived I knew, I knew my sister was gone. As they pulled me out of the wreckage I blacked out and prayed for death to take me. I didn’t want to be in a world without my sister.
I could faintly hear the beeping of machines and smell the odor of sanitation it was then that I knew I was in the hospital and not with my sister. There could be no other reason for the noise and smell. I slowly opened my eyes to the white walls of my hospital room. Damn it was all I could think. I could remember every detail and I didn’t want to remember them. God why do you hate me?
“Carrie,” someone said. I slowly turned to see her mother’s tear streaked face. “Oh my God, I thought I was going to lose you too. Carrie what do you remember?” Everything.
“I remember everything,” I began sobbing. The pain was too much for me I was sucked back to the lake and the present.
I grabbed my chest to stop the pain and began sobbing like I had when it was confirmed that I had lost my sister forever. I fell to my knees and into the water. My tears mixed with the lake water and disappeared, no one would know the pain that those tears held. Not even my own mother could feel the pain I felt. She felt sadness for the loss of her daughter but she wasn’t there. She didn’t watch as Kelsey’s body lost all blood. She didn’t have to live with the nightmares. I was sucked back into another memory.
“You’ve broken every bone in your leg. Including your femur, we went in and inserted pins into your leg. It will be two months before you even get off crutches but you’re alive and that’s all that matters. The next couple of weeks will be critical to your healing. Now tell me; what do you remember?” The doctor asked.
I didn’t know why but I knew I had to take the blame. “I was driving and I went to get on the highway and I checked my mirror and saw the truck driver a good distance away. I forgot to recheck my mirrors and I merged into traffic. Then five minutes later I looked back up and he was right there. I went to say something to Kelsey but before I had time to say anything the truck hit us in the back. I blacked out but when I woke up I saw Kelsey sitting in the passenger seat and she was bleeding out of her head. I tried to stop it and began looking for a pulse but I couldn’t find one. I couldn’t find one but I tried. There was so much blood; so much blood, and Kelsey wouldn’t stop bleeding. Kelsey’s face was covered in blood. And she had no pulse. And I remember screaming and crying. But I must have blacked out when they pulled me from the car.” I cried.
“Alright, alright, it’s okay Carrie. You’re safe.” The doctor tried to coo. Then everything went black and I was back on the beach sitting in the water balling my eyes out.
I still couldn’t make sense of some things that happened that day when I woke up. I looked out across the water and tried to find it beautiful like I once had. I still could remember the first time I saw this place I was three and we had just bought this house. My mom had told me that the lake was a gift from God when I asked her about it. My mother was a very godly person and still was even after everything that happened. Her husband leaves her, she loses her daughter, and she basically lost me, but yet she continues to believe in a higher power.
After Kelsey was gone I just couldn’t believe anymore. I lost hope and honestly I was so angry. Why couldn’t God have left my family alone? Because I wasn’t denying that there was a God because there was, but I just couldn’t believe that he was all powerful and good. You could say that me and God weren’t talking anymore. He’d abandoned me a long time ago.
I just can’t understand how God can be all powerful if he couldn’t even stop the sleepy eighteen wheeler driver from plowing into the back of us on that day. If he was as good as everyone said then he would have taken me with my sister. He wouldn’t have left me here to basically rot from the inside. You can’t be good if you see someone going through pain and you do nothing to stop it. I just couldn’t believe that I was here. God you should have taken me, I’m used to being the screw up. Why did you have to take her from me, from my mom, from this world? She was destined to do something great, now I’ll never get to see her walk down the aisle or have a baby. Why did you take her? I cried and cried until it hurt to cry and even then the tears refused to stop falling.
I hadn’t just lost my sister, though, my family was falling apart. My father decided that after Kelsey was gone that there was no point in sticking around. I guess I just wasn’t good enough for him, but I already knew that. I knew from the beginning that my father had his favorites and I wasn’t it. Kelsey had always been the favorite. Kelsey could make a person smile when all you wanted to do was cry. She had the ability to always be positive and never once did she doubt anyone or challenge them. At times it was frustrating the way she never really fought with our parents. It seemed like I was the one always getting in trouble. I was Kelsey’s complete opposite, where she was quiet and well behaved I was loud and obnoxious. I think the thing my father hated about me the most was that I spoke my mind and wasn’t afraid of what others would say once I did just that.
I would have thought that my father would have been ecstatic after the accident because I was no longer that person. I became moody, shy, and to be honest my parents barely ever saw me. It wasn’t like I was going out with friends or anything I just would go down to the lake and watch the waves like I am now. I closed my eyes and sent up a silent thought to Kelsey. Do you remember that huge fight we got into before we left for school that day? Do you remember what that fight was about because I do? I regret that fight every day. Instead of fighting with you I should have been telling you how much I loved you. I’m so sorry. I was sucked back in time again.
“Kelsey let me drive.” I begged.
“No, I’m sorry, I know you got your driver’s license but you’ve only had it for a week and it’s snowing outside. I don’t want you driving.”
“You never let me drive. I hate you.” I stormed out of the house and went to sit in the car. Kelsey came out a moment later and didn’t say anything when she got in. We rode in silence. I kept looking over because I felt bad for what I had said but Kelsey looked fine. I went to say how sorry I was but before I got the chance my head hit something hard and then everything went dark.
I opened my eyes to see I was back on the beach but there was a women coming down the beach with her dog. As she got closer I saw her mouth moving but I just didn’t care to listen. I honestly thought she was talking to her dog. I turned my back and went to go deeper out. The women walked up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes. I’m fine. Please leave me alone.”
“Honey I may not be your mom but what would your mama say if she saw you out in the lake in the middle of February?”
“I don’t know why don’t you go ask her.” I turned away from her.
“You’re going to get sick.”
“Good. Maybe then I’ll get so sick that I die.’
“Young lady I may not know you but I know when I see someone who’s in need for some advice and you’re going to listen to what I have to say. You may not like your life but that doesn’t mean you get to just throw your life away. Your life may not mean much to you but to someone else your life may be the most important thing they have.”
“Look you’re really nice and I’m trying not to be rude, but leave me alone.” I tried to go farther out. She grabbed me and pulled me out of the water.
“Sit.”
“No, I don’t have to listen to you.” I went to leave. She grabbed me by the arm.
“I said sit down.” She kind of reminded me of my mother when she used to care. I sat down. “Now listen to me. Your life means a lot. I’ve seen countless young people like you just throw your lives away, and I will not watch as you throw yours away. I’m going to tell you a story; it’s a story about someone who is kind of like you. My son was a good boy but he lost his father when he was thirteen, it killed him to watch his father walk out on us. For months I watched as my son became more and more reckless and I didn’t do a thing to stop it. I didn’t know how to help him when I couldn’t much less help myself. One day I came home to find two police cars sitting in front of my house, do you know why they were there? They were there to tell me that my son had been drinking and had caused a car accident. My sweet little boy had killed two people, and in the end he had died too.
“After the funeral I was going through his things and found this journal of his and in this journal he’d written how he wished he would die. I read the whole entire journal front to back and the whole way through I cried. He talked about how he wished I would say something to him or tell him to stop being so reckless, but I never did. He wrote about how he hated me because I didn’t even try and I was so concerned with what was going on in my world that I never even looked around to see what he was doing. So you may think your mother doesn’t care about you but she does. You can’t just leave your mother staring at pages of a diary with no way to fix it. Do you understand?”
“Yes.” I blinked tears away, her story had touched me, but I wasn’t going to change. “Your story was really sweet but I’m not your son and no offense but it’s none of your business what I do with my life.”
"You’re right it isn’t my business. I just want you to know that even though you may think you’re alone you’re not; and if there is no one fighting for you I want you to know that someone tried to help. Someone saw you heading straight on over a cliff and tried to reel you back in. So I’m going to say one last thing and then be gone. You have so much life ahead of you don’t cut it short by being reckless; get your act together and even if you can’t get up every day for yourself get up anyways. There has to be something that inspires you. If you can’t live for yourself than live for someone else there has to be someone out there who you wanted to have a better life but who never got the chance.”
I felt like this woman could see right through me into the deepest darkest parts of my soul. Kelsey, do you want me to live for you, and have the life you never got? If so, send me a sign. Send me anything to know you’re watching because if I get nothing in return then I know that I have nothing to live for. I watched as the woman walked away. “Wait,” I said, “What’s your name?”
She smiled at me, “Eva.” Then she walked away up the beach and disappeared around the corner. I looked back out at lake and cried some more. When the last light from the sun began to fade I went back to my house. When I walked in my mom was sitting at the table holding a shoebox. I knew what was in the shoe box, every picture of Kelsey. I just walked by and went straight to my room. There was nothing more I could say to my mom. I’d tried to apologize (because I had been the one “driving”), I’d tried to open up to her but she just couldn’t hear me through her own pain. She got up every day and went to work came home went to her bedroom and cried. Some nights like this she would go to the attic, where we kept Kelsey’s things, and look through some of the old photographs.
I slammed my door and laid down on my bed. I closed my eyes and tried to pretend that Kelsey was there. I could see her smile and almost hear her, but I heard my door open and lost my train of thought. “Umm I was just checking to make sure you were back.” My mother said. I could see the fresh tears in her eyes which were already red with pain.
“Yep,” I breathed. She left without another word, and I was left once again in the empty silence that had become my life.
The next day I got up and headed back down to the lake, this was my fourth unexcused absence at school for just this semester. I had already been filed truant by my school last semester and they told me that at the rate I was going I would never reach senior year, but I honestly didn’t care about reaching senior year. What’s the point if you don’t even think you’ll make it that long? I knew that because this was my fourth absence that I would be filed truant again, but who cares.
I sat on the shoreline waiting for my answer from Kelsey, but when the sun had risen high in the sky and nothing had come, I figured that was my sign that I had nothing to live for. I would have been willing to live for Kelsey, but it seemed that Kelsey didn’t want that, because if she did she would have told me.
I walked back up to my house slowly to grab some lunch but was stopped by the sight of a moving truck. It was in front of our house. Were we moving? I ran the rest of the way and took the steps up to my house two at a time. I stormed through the back door and saw my mom talking to this big, white guy with graying hair.
“Yes. Everything goes. I’ll finish packing up my daughter’s room, but if you could just put the rest of the boxes in the truck I’d appreciate it.” He nodded his head and went about picking up boxes. My mom just stood there for a second.
“Mom?” I asked. “What’s going on? Are we moving?”
“Yes,” she turned slowly to face me, “I can’t afford the house with your father gone.” She talked about him like he was dead, but it wasn’t him who was dead, it was her.
“You can’t sell this house. It’s our home. This is where Kelsey and I grew up.”
“Enough,” my mother yelled, “that is enough. Don’t you dare tell me what to do! I’m selling the house end of story.”
“Fine,” I stomped off to the kitchen. There were three guys in here moving various boxes. I opened the fridge to find some cheese and a few grapes. I grabbed both and headed back down to the lake. After all, I did want to say goodbye. More than anything I wanted to say goodbye to Kelsey. A memory played in my head.
I ran down to the lake as fast as I could. Kelsey was right behind me. I felt as the water touched my toes I squealed. Kelsey came running up beside me and squealed too as the water touched her toes. I bent over and splashed her soaking her new pair of shorts. I laughed while she stood there shocked.
“Oh you’re gonna pay baby sis.” I looked up into her blue eyes just in time to see her lunge for me. I tried to move out of the way but she knocked me face first into the water. I came up spitting water from my mouth. My mother who had been watching this all play out ran up to me.
“Carrie are you okay?” She picked me up. “Kelsey you know better than to play like that with your sister. She’s only three, you could have drowned her.”
“It’s okay mommy, she didn’t mean to. I’m fine.” I said. Kelsey began to cry.
“I didn’t mean to hurt her.”
“It’s okay Kelsey don’t cry.” I tried to coo. “Please don’t cry.”
“I’m sorry.” Kelsey said. Kelsey was only five so I knew she didn’t mean to hurt me.
I stared blankly at the lake while my vision returned. It was then I noticed I was smiling. You have to stop that. You can’t let your emotions win. My smile was instantly replaced with a frown. I couldn’t believe that one moment of memories had allowed me to display my emotions. I was transported back in time again.
“Whoever smiles first is the loser.” Kelsey smiled. This was a game we had come up with a long time ago when we got bored on car trips. It was simple we each got five minutes to try to make the other person laugh, but you couldn’t tickle the other person or get other people to make the other person laugh.
“You’re on.” I stared at her while she made faces at me trying to break my concentration. It felt like forever but finally her turn was done. I let her get her concentration before I bombarded her with funny faces. Within a minute of me acting as silly as possible I had her cracking up.
“You’re too good at masking your emotions,” Kelsey laughed in between words. “I say that’s an unfair advantage.”
“Just because you can’t help but smile doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t resist.” I smiled at her.
The memory began to fade and then disappeared. I opened my eyes and saw a little black stone sitting at my feet. I leaned over and picked it up, it was rather cool; it was black but shiny almost like it had just been polished. I put in my pocket, but my mind still drifted back to that memory of that game. Kelsey you were right, my being able mask my emotions is an unfair advantage. You were always right.
Off in the distance I could hear my mother calling my name. I tried to ignore it for as long as I could, but as her voice got closer it became harder to ignore. She touched my shoulder. “We’re leaving now. Come on.” I got up and left without a word, but as I walked away I turned back and looked over my shoulder. I will miss you lake. More importantly goodbye Kelsey. This was our home, our memories, and now they will be gone, but the pain that is left will still remain even once I leave. I tried to convince mom to keep the house, but I did not win; I’m sorry. I turned back to see my mom staring at me.
“Are we leaving or not?” I snapped.
“Yes we’re leaving.” She walked past me and towards the car. As I climbed into the passenger side I let myself drift off to sleep.





Chapter two
I watched again and again as the truck hit us and as I watched Kelsey die. I was awakened by my mom’s coaxing voice.
“Come one Carrie get up. You need to eat.”
“Just go through the drive thru.”
“I already did.” She held up a bag of McDonald’s. I grabbed the bag and took a bite out of the hamburger she’d bought me. “So?” My mom said. “I know you’re mad at me for moving us but I really think it’s for the best, you know?”
“Yes I know.” I scowled at my food.
“You know I love you, right?” I just nodded my head and continued eating. We finished the rest of the meal in silence. I stayed awake this time and watched as we flew past cars with family’s singing at the top of their lungs, old people sitting on a bench waiting for a bus, children and parents, hotels, houses, and buildings. When we finally stopped we were sitting in front of a fairly nice looking house.
“Where are we?” I asked.
“Sanger.”
“Never heard of it,” I stated.
“Well this is it. This is our new home.”
“I liked the lake house better.”
“Carrie,” my mother almost screamed. “This is our new home. Forget about the lake house. Okay?”
“This will never be my home. “ I got out of the car and slammed the door. I stayed leaned up against it until I saw my mother get out of the car.
“Could you at least grab a box?” She said. I could tell she was crying by the tremble in her voice.
“Fine,” I grabbed a box from the backseat. My mother took out a set of keys and opened the door.
“Welcome to the new house, “she said; making sure to avoid the word home. “I’ll be in my room if you need me which is just down this hallway. That’s your room.” She handed me the box and opened and then closed the door to her new room. I stood in the hall for a couple of minutes before I opened my door.
My room was nothing special. It had white walls and was a perfect square; it wasn’t as big as my bedroom back at the lake house. I missed the lake house more than I wanted to admit. Since the movers hadn’t gotten here with our furniture I just sat on the floor against the wall. I stared at the opposite wall and tried not to think, not to feel, but I couldn’t help the feeling that threatened to consume me body and soul. It wasn’t just sadness; it was something deeper than that. It was almost like having your body ripped in two but somehow still surviving.
A knock awakened me from the darkness of my thoughts. “Carrie the movers are here.” I knew what that meant even if she wouldn’t say it. She wanted me to get up and go help. I didn’t want to help them, I didn’t want to help anyone, what I wanted was an end to my agony, but I was too big of a chicken to end it. My fear was that what if I ended it and then I never saw Kelsey? What if I throw my life away and find out that there is nothing after life? What if it’s just continuous darkness? What if that’s my punishment for ending my life? If it happens on accident that I die then no one can blame me. Maybe I’d get to see Kelsey.
Oh, Kelsey, why? Why did you have to leave me? I’m barely surviving without you, I can’t think, I can’t breathe, I can’t do this. I need you! You were supposed to be my maid of honor. You were supposed to watch your nieces and nephews grow up. You were supposed to hold my hand and tell me everything was okay when everything was wrong. Now what? Now what am I supposed to do? Every day I bleed more and more and I need you. I need you to tell me that everything will be okay. I need you to hold me while I cry. I need you!
I watched as my tears fell to the ground. Staining the carpet where they landed. Every tear holding some amount of pain. Pain that will never be forgotten; each tear ripping me apart until there is nothing left. My mom came to my door and threw it open. “Put her things in here. Just rearrange her things around her because she’s not going to get up.”
I stared at her like she was a stranger I’d never met before. In truth, I had never met this woman. Ever since Kelsey died and my dad left her she changed. She became less observant, less caring, and all she ever did was cry. I could understand the always crying, but I just wanted her to give a shit what was going on. She was so wrapped up in her own world that she didn’t even bother to notice what was going on outside of her world. I may not care about school, or life, or even myself, but I still noticed things outside of myself. Like the fact that I noticed my mom crying all the time. Or the way her face had grown hard. I knew that she cried herself to sleep every night. I knew she had lost her greatest passions. I noticed everything and yet she couldn’t be bothered to notice anything.
One of the movers stepped on my right ankle by accident as he stumbled into my room with my bed (which took up basically the whole room). I grabbed my ankle and screamed. My mom just looked at me and then walked out of my room. “Mother of god. What are you wearing?” I yelled.
“I’m really sorry miss.” I looked down at my ankle to see a red mark already forming. It hurt worse than when I’d broken my leg and needed pins after the car accident. I tried to hold my ankle close to my body hoping that maybe the pain would fade. As the hours passed the pain only got worse and with each pump of my heart I felt my ankle throb and grow. I looked down to see my ankle three times the size it was supposed to be.
“Seriously,” I wailed. I slowly tried to inch my back up the wall but it’s harder than it looks because I was trying to balance on one foot well holding the other ankle to where it touched nothing. After falling down for the tenth time I decided to just crawl. I could barely see from the tears that blinded my eyes and made it impossible to see anything. I felt around for the door and found it almost immediately. Now if I could just make it to mom’s room. I slowly crawled across the hall and into my mom’s room.
“Mom I need you to drive me to the hospital.” I cried. I sat waiting for several minutes before the tears cleared from my eyes. “Mom, hello, I need to go to the emergency room.” She didn’t even twitch. “What the hell is wrong with you? Mom I need you to help me.” I looked around and finally found what I was looking for. Sitting on a table beside her bed was a bottle of pills. I picked up the bottle and read the front. Sleeping pills, great, I thought. “Fine,” I growled, “I’ll drive myself, but you’ll have no one to blame but yourself if I get into a car accident.” I rambled even though I knew she couldn’t hear me. I was so angry I think I could shoot lasers from my eyes. I crawled back out to the kitchen and began searching for the car keys.
After searching for thirty minutes I finally found them sitting on the ground in my mom’s room. I crawled slowly back out to the kitchen and to the front door. Then out to the car which I had never thought about how I would get in. I placed one hand on the door handle of the car and the other on the hood and slowly raised my body up. Hopping on one ankle I opened the door and climbed in. M<y vision blurred again when my right foot touched the car floor. Well it looks like I’ll be driving with my left. I thought silently. It took me ten minutes before I really figured anything out, but then I was done the driveway and on my way. I had no clue where I was going but I knew a highway had to be somewhere near here because I remember my mom driving on it.
The pain was radiating from my ankle and seemed to touch every part of my body. Kelsey please help me. I prayed silently. It took thirty minutes for me to find a hospital. When I got there I found a parking space fairly close to the front and parked. I got out and hopped all the way into the hospital. As I reached the doors a young girl and her mother were leaving. The mom held her daughter close to her; it was then that I noticed the girl wearing a bracelet on her wrist. I stared for a second but continued to hop right by them. I watched as I entered and everyone turned to stare. I hopped all the way up to the desk and signed myself in. The nurse looked at me and said, “Fill out this paperwork, bring it back up to the desk, and then we’ll see you as fast as we can.” She handed me a clipboard and pen.
“Excuse me ma’am.” I heard someone say behind me. I turned around to see an older gentleman probably in his seventies. “Would you like some help getting to a chair?”
“No thank you.” I said politely. “I’m very good at doing things for myself.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” I grimaced. I hopped to the closest chair but watched as the older gentlemen came and sat two chairs from me. I looked down at the paperwork and filled out everything I could. I hopped back up to the desk and handed the nurse the clipboard. She looked it over and handed it back.
“Your parent needs to sign this and I’ll need proof of insurance.”
“My parent isn’t here.”
“You’re seventeen you can’t sign off on your own paperwork. Where are your parents? Did they really just let you drive yourself here?”
“There you are sweetheart,” I heard the same whispery voice say. “Come on your mom told me you drive yourself here. Hi I’m her grandfather I’m the one raising her, can I sign the paperwork?”
She stared at us suspiciously, “Yes.” She answered and then looked back down. He quickly signed the paperwork but left the insurance spot empty. He handed it to her and then walked with me back to the chair. A nice looking nurse came over and helped me into a wheelchair.
“Thanks.” I said.
“Just let me get some ice for your ankle.”
“Thank you I really appreciate it.” I turned towards the older gentlemen. “If you’re going to pretend to be my grandfather then you might want to know a few things about me because they’re going to bring you back with me. My name is Carrie Goodwin, my mother’s name is Merissa, I am seventeen as of January 27th, I just moved to Sanger, some guy stepped on my ankle and that’s how it got broken. “The nurse placed the ice on my ankle and then left.
“My name is Gregory; you can just call me grandpa. My wife is in the ICU and I needed a break from up there. I am seventy-six and I have three grandkids and four children. I have been married for fifty-five years and have loved my wife every minute of those years. I live in Denton which is the town you’re in now, and if you’re wondering I’m helping you because you look like you need it. I don’t care if you want my help or not, you’re going to need it.” He smiled at me.
Just then a nice looking guy came out, “Hi I’m the x-ray technician and I will be taking your x-rays and then I will bring you back. But first we need to get you a bracelet.” He was in his early twenties and was wearing blue scrubs with white shoes. I wondered if the hospital made all their employees wear that or of it was a matter of personal choice.
“Okay.” I tried to smile. He wheeled me off to a room with a bunch of equipment in it and then went to stand in the corner.
Another nurse came in, “I’ll be taking your vitals and asking you a few questions.”
“Okay.”
“Your name?”
“Carrie Goodwin.”
“Birthday?”
“January 27th 1994.”
“Alright now I’m going to take your temperature.” He pulled out a thermometer and ran it across my head. “And now your blood pressure.” He took my right arm and put the cuff on. “Relax,” he smiled.
“Sorry,” I whispered.
“Alright now I’m going to stick this bracelet on you and you’re all set to go.” He smiled.
“Alright now time for x-rays.” The other guy wheeled me off to a room in the back. He helped me up onto the table and then had me lie down. “Sorry if I end up hurting you because I can tell you now your ankle is broken even without x-rays but we need to determine how badly it’s broken, but this is going to hurt.”
“It’s okay, I’m used to pain.” I spouted. He kind of looked at me for a second but then went back behind the screen that protects the x-ray technicians from being blasted with chemicals. It didn’t take very long to get the x-rays. He wheeled me back out to the lobby and smiled when he left.
“That didn’t take terribly too long.” Gregory mused.
“Nope.” I breathed through my nose. I could still feel my ankle throbbing from where the x-ray tech had touched it. We sat there in silence for an hour before the nurse with the nice smile came over.
“I’m here to come get you and bring you to your room. And you must be the grandfather, if you’ll just follow me there’s a few more papers you need to sign.”
Gregory didn’t even hesitate. “Of course, of course, but tell me have you seen my granddaughter’s x-ray.”
‘No sir.” She smiled at him. “But the doctor will come in and explain everything to you.” She helped me up onto the bed and then left without another word, but returned shortly to give my “grandfather” the paperwork.
“Thank you doll.” She just smiled, “the doctor will be in shortly.” She opened the door and then disappeared around the corner. Right as the door was closing a hand caught it.
“Hi, I’m Doctor Lindy,” she smiled at me. “I see here that it says you’re ankle was stepped on.”
“Yes.” I said.
“Well I have your x-ray here. Let me just put it up and I’ll explain a few things, okay?”
“Fine by me but I won’t understand the pictures trust me.” I stared at her backside while she put the x-ray on the light up board.




Chapter Three
Dr. Lindy pressed a button the side of the board and it came to life. I stared at what looked like an ankle. “Now do you see here, this is where your bone is supposed to be and this is where it is. Due to the fact that your ankle has been completely shattered you will need surgery. I would like to set an appointment. When do you think you could do it?”
“Umm,” I stared at my “grandfather”. “Can we have some time to talk; can you just give us one moment of privacy?”
“Of course, I’ll just be back in a few minutes.” She smiled down at me.
“Thanks.” She opened the door and left and immediately I turned to Gregory. “What do I do now? You can’t keep pretending to be my grandfather because they are going to want consent for surgery and my insurance card.”
“Where are your real parents?”
“My dad is I have no idea where and my mom is passed out at the house due to the fact that she took some sleeping pills.”
“Hmm. Well I’ll just make up and excuse that I need to talk to your mother but that I’ll call the hospital when I have a day in mind.”
“That is not going to work. They are going to know something’s up.” Doctor Lindy chose that moment to come back through the door.
“Have we decided on what day we were thinking?”
“Well I’d like to talk to my granddaughter’s mother first before I okay the surgery. Is there any way I could get a number to call you at to set up the date?” Gregory said.
“Hospital policy won’t allow that. Are you not her legal guardian?”
“No. I’m just watching her for her mother.”
“Well then I would suggest you call her mother and tell her to get up here right away.” Doctor Lindy practically growled.
“It’s twelve o’clock at night. My mom will probably be sleeping. I don’t think I should wake her up.”
“Look you have one of two options you either call your mom or else I will have no choice but to turn you over to CPS.”
“Carrie, why don’t you call your mom, while I go talk to Doctor Lindy out in the hallway?”
“Okay.” I tried to say but my voice was shaking too bad to say much more.
“Carrie, tell me now, are you being abused at home?” Doctor Lindy sounded concerned.
“No.” I quickly said. “No, my mom would never do that.”
“Are you sure? If you want I can tell your grandfather to step out of the room if there’s anything you need to tell me.”
“No. I swear. There is no child abuse going on.” Doctor Lindy looked at me for a second, but I guess decided to take my word because she walked out of the room. I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and dialed with shaky hands. It wasn’t that I was afraid of my mother, I was just afraid of what she would say. I heard it begin to ring, but after the seventh ring I decided to hang up. Oh my god I am in so much trouble, I thought. I took a deep breath and decided to try again. This time it rang but after the fourth ring a groggy voice picked up the phone.
“Hello? Carrie, why are you calling me?”
“Hi mom,” I tried to say without crying. “I’m at the hospital and I need you to get down here because the doctor needs you to sign some paperwork.” I heard my mother stop breathing.
“Are you hurt?”
“Yes, why else would someone be at the hospital at twelve o’clock at night?’ I spouted sarcastically.
“How did you get hurt?” I heard my mother close the door to her bedroom.
“Remember earlier when that moving guy stepped on my ankle?” I asked.
“No.”
“I knew you would say that. Anyways he crushed my ankle.” I was so angry. How could she have not seen it? She was standing right there when it happened. I heard the front door open.
“CARRIE, WHERE THE HELL IS THE CAR?” My mother yelled.
“How else was I supposed to get to the hospital? I tried to wake you up but you didn’t move didn’t even flinch while I tried to wake you. This is all your fault. Maybe if you would pay a little more attention to me and you stopped drugging yourself, maybe you’d know that I broke my ankle. I wouldn’t have had to drive myself if you would have just given a crap and woken the hell up.” I ranted and cried.
“Who the hell do you think you’re talking to? I am your mother and you will respect me.”
“No I won’t. You don’t deserve my respect.” I hung up. I let the phone fall out of my hands and began sobbing quietly. A few minutes later Doctor Lindy and Gregory came back in.
“What’s wrong?” Doctor Lindy came to my side. I knew I had to lie just like I had last year.
“It’s the pain.”
“Well we have someone coming in to fit you with a temporary cast for now. I’ll let the nurse know that we need some pain medicine in here.” She left the room quickly. Gregory looked over at me.
“Is she coming?” He asked with sympathy.
“She has no car to get here, but I’m sure she’ll find a way to get here.”
“Let’s hope so.” Gregory said. Doctor Lindy came back in.
“Alright we’re going to give you some pretty strong pain killers, okay?”
“All right, just as long as I’m not in pain.” I said meekly. I was trying so hard to control the mask in which I had put on to fool the world but I could feel it slipping with all these people who cared even though they didn’t know me and even though I acted like a brat. So why is it that my own mother couldn’t care the way these people were? They barely knew me and they were taking better care of me.
Doctor Lindy walked back into the room with two little white pills and handed them to me with a Dixie cup of water. “This should help.” She smiled down at me. I took the pills from her hand and the water and swallowed back the two pills.



Chapter 4
         I slowly drifted off into a deep slumber. This was something I hadn’t done in a year. Slowly I felt my guard slip and then fall, leaving me vulnerable and open to anything. I felt myself drifting at first but then my vision cleared almost like riding on a plane and finally coming out the other side of the clouds. I was standing and Kelsey was right there in front of me. I stared open mouthed at her. She looked like an angel. She was dressed in all white, and the only things missing were her wings and halo.
         “Kelsey,” I cried and reached out.
         “Yes,” she smiled. “Carrie I’m here to tell you something really important.”
         “Oh my god, Kelsey,” I cried. “Where are you? Why haven’t you been listening? Is there such thing as Heaven? Does God exist? Are you an angel?” I threw one question right after the other.
         “Slow down.” She smiled softly. “No how are you?” She tilted her head to the side.
         “Oh no of course, how are you?”
         “I’m fine, but Carrie I need to tell you something.” She tried pleading. I was just too happy to see her, plus I knew the longer I took asking questions the more time I got with her. Almost as if she was reading my thoughts she said, “We have to hurry, I don’t have long. Please remember this. Number one try not to be so hard on yourself, you are alive for a reason, so start acting like it. Number two you need to give mom a break she’s going through a lot more than you’ll ever know. Number three if you can’t find any other reason to stay alive, stay alive for me. Number four I love you and I hear you. Number five and please remember this one; keep the black s…”
         Before she could finish I was ripped back to the real world. What was she trying to tell me? She said it was important. I trashed until my body was shocked with pain. I opened my eyes to see Doctor Lindy, my mother, some guy, and Gregory in the room. My mother wore an expression of anger and I could tell she was pissed. Doctor Lindy stood by my head. “The nurse here will be putting on the temporary cast and then teaching you how to use your crutches.”
         “I don’t need a lesson.” I said blandly while staring at my mother. I knew she was to blame for my being ripped from Kelsey.
         “Oh have you used them before?” Doctor Lindy tried to ask casually.
         “Yes, last year when I had a car accident.”
         “Oh,” Doctor Lindy exclaimed. “Well I’m sorry to hear that.”
         “So am I.” I whispered. The nurse tried not to touch my ankle but it was inevitable and even without him touching it I felt like my ankle was being pushed and pulled and it hurt worse than anything I had ever experienced, including the car crash injuries. I held my breath until the nurse stepped away and decided that was as good as it was getting.
         “Can I go home?” I whined.
         “Yes.” Doctor Lindy said. “We’ve already set up your appointment through your mom. We also gave her a prescription for some pain meds. I would suggest getting it filled.” She smiled and walked out of the room. The nurse guy put the crutches beside the bed and then smiled and left. Gregory exited immediately after the nurse, leaving me alone with my mom. Oh boy this will be fun, I thought.
         “Carrie I cannot believe you just took off with the car like that. Do you know how scared I was? Do you have any idea how stupid that was?” I just sat up and leaned over to get my crutches completely ignoring her. I slowly slid off the bed and let my left foot touch the floor while holding my right foot parallel to the floor. “Carrie are you even listening?”
         “Yes.” I growled. “I’m kind of busy if you hadn’t noticed trying not to be in pain.” I crutched out the door. She grabbed the door behind me and we walked out in silence.
         “Where’s the car parked?” My mother asked.
         “I don’t know.” I nearly screamed. “Just come on.”
         “Why don’t you know where the car is? Did you not drive?” I turned and looked her straight in the eyes.
         “I was kind of busy driving with my left, trying not to crash, trying not to park illegally, trying not to scream in pain, so no I don’t know where the car is.”
         “Don’t you dare talk to me like that!” I turned and left her as I went searching she followed silently. Finally, I thought. A little peace and quiet doesn’t hurt, now does it?I directed my thoughts at my mother.