"Little Red Riding Hood" J. D. S.

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’d probably want to know is who I am and all. Well, here goes. My name’s Red. Well, actually it’s “Little Red”, but all my friends call me Red. Just Red. My parents said they called me “little” because I was pretty small at birth and all, but who isn't? My godam parents are a real hoot sometimes, they really are.

Anyways, let me tell you about this crazy sort of adventure I went on once. Well, it wasn't really an adventure, but it turned out to be one anyways. It wasn’t all crazy and all with knights and dragons and stuff, but it was still pretty crazy.

So like I was saying. An adventure. I have this old Granny out in the woods somewhere, and she was sick and all. Maybe she wouldn't be so sick if she wasn't all the way out in the goddam forest! For chrissake, no wonder the doctor never made it! Anyways, my mom just baked this wonderful cake for her, and she wanted me to bring it to Granny. I really don’t know how a cake is supposed to help her, but my mom insisted I brought it. So I went to the door and got my jacket. Everybody called this goddam thing a goddam “riding hood”. A riding hood! We didn’t even have any horses out in this goddam forest! Anyways, this thing was the brightest red you ever saw. Seriously. I hated the crap out of it, but it was the only jacket I had. So I put on this jacket and said goodbye to my mother, and left the house. I was glad to leave the goddamn place for a while! Just before I left, my mother gave me some phony list of rules to follow, like “stick to the path”, and “no running”. I guess she thought I might drop the cake or something, which I might as well do, cause it felt like a bag of bricks!

So, anyways, I bolted out of that house right away. I was walking along the path for quite some time now, when I heard this deep sort of voice behind me saying, “Hello!” I turned around to see a wolf. A wolf! And it was standing on its goddam legs! For chrissake! I really should have been scared, but I just got very depressed instead. Talking to a wolf that's standing on its hind legs in the middle of the goddam forest can be very depressing. So I decided to throw the crap around with him for a while. I’m not even sure it was a him, but judging by the deep voice and all, I pretty much guessed. He asked me where I was headed off to, and I said I was going to my Granny’s place way out in the middle of the goddam forest. He told me not to swear, but I really didn’t give a damn. A wolf telling you not to swear is pretty depressing. He said he’s seen the place before, and he quite liked it. He then asked me what the heavy thing was that I was carrying, and I told him it was a cake that my mom baked for old Granny. He said that was nice and all, but I knew that he was just being phony. I’m really quite good at identifying who’s phony, I really am.

Anyways, I was walking with this very depressing wolf in the middle of the goddam forest, when he said it would be a good idea to go and pick some flowers for my old Granny. I told him I wasn’t allowed to leave the path and all, but he insisted that I did. When my mother gives me rules to follow, I try to stick to them. She means well. She really does. The goddam wolf kept telling me to do it, so I finally did. I was some marigold things, and picked a whole bunch of them. The whole thing was quite phony, really, because my old Granny had really lousy eyesight and all, so she wouldn’t be able to see the flowers anyways.

When I got back to the path, the wolf was nowhere to be seen. he probably never even existed anyway. It was now very dark, which made the whole thing even more depressing. I was very close to old Granny’s house now, and I could just about make out in the distance. It was very dark and all on the outside, which was kind of odd. Granny usually leaves a candle lit in the window or something, but I guess she forgot. I was going to the door when I almost tripped my way up the lousy stairs! Boy, I hated that goddamn house. It was sure ready to fall down at any moment. I knocked on the door, and then heard this voice saying, “Come on in, dearie!” Dearie! Boy, I hated that name!

It was very dark inside also, and I nearly tripped over the goddamn door frame! This place was cursed, I tell you. It really was. There was a faint light coming from down the hallway, where old Granny’s room was. So, I went over to the door and opened it. Wow. There was that goddam wolf, just lying in old Granny’s bed! I didn’t act surprised or anything, I just put on a phony smile and decided to throw the crap around for a while. “You have some pretty big goddamn ears! And your eyes look the size of dinner plates! And what massive hands!”, I said. I really didn’t give a damn about any of this, but I asked anyways. The wolf then responded with, “Better to hear, see, and hug you with, dearie!”. Dearie again. It’s really quite depressing when somebody keeps calling you a name that you really hate, over and over. I then asked, “What’s with that huge mouth you have?”. At that moment, the wolf yelled, “BETTER TO EAT YOU WITH!”, pounced on me, and swallowed my whole body in one gulp.

Now that was just horrible, it really was. I ended up in the lousy thing’s stomach or something, and it was all slimy and stuff. I could see someone else in there, and it was my goddamn old Granny. I guess that lousy wolf got her too. I guess that teaches me for telling strangers where people live. The wolf then said something like, “Boy, I’m sure tired!”, and fell asleep. A couple of minutes later, the lousy thing was snoring like a rhino. I don’t even know if rhinos snore, but if they did, that’s what it would sound like.

We were just lying inside the wolf for a while when I heard someone outside. There were a lot of hot-shot hunters in these woods, so I think this was one of them. So, the guy goes and smashes down the door -the door- and comes into the room. I guess the first thing he saw was the lousy wolf just lying there on my Granny’s bed, with quite a big belly. I called out to him, and all of a sudden, we were free! The goddamn hunter went and chopped off the wolf’s head! What the hell! Anyways, we were both free now, and my Granny was sleeping. Sleeping. How she stayed asleep, I do not know.

Afterwards, we thanked the hunter and all, ate the cake, and then he left. My old Granny said she didn’t believe any of it, and said something like, “You’ll hallucinate if you don’t eat your goddamn veggies!” or something. Well, we were both okay. And I never talked to a goddamn lousy depressing wolf that walked on it’s hind legs in the middle of the goddamn forest ever again!