It's Been A YEAR Now

It's Been A Year Now

Mother, it has been a year now since you took that long bon voyage, and my eyes still fill with tears when I think of you.  I miss you so much.  I'm not unhappy that you're gone, I'm unhappy because I feel so all alone.  There are others around me day and night, but none of them take the place of you.

I had hoped that by now, I would be back into the swing of things, but I have no desire.  Getting into things simply remind me that you are not here.  Do you know that even when I didn't have you physically by my side at meetings or other events you were there any how?  The power of your love radiated and gave me strength.  Now at those same meetings and events, something is always missing -- you!

I was finally able to give away your clothes last month, and boy did that take me for a loop.  I cried all night and half of the day, but I got the job done.  Your under clothes still had your smell in them, and your dresses still held your shape.  Your room has been dismantled and divided into two -- Kandi is in one and Lee and Tammie are in the other one.  Your furniture has also been divided amongst the kids, and all of your important papers were stuffed in boxes and bags before I had a change to claim them.    All of those things that were so important to you meant nothing to our young.

I'm crying as I write this, but then, I'm always crying when I think of you.  I miss you so much, and want to see and touch you like we used to do.  Mother, I don't like being here without you, and I'm finding it very hard to do.  I pray, I cry, I say I'm okay, and I really do try and I really do pry, but things just aren't the same with you gone away.  The children, they try to keep me happy or make me smile, and I do for a while, but then, I'll see your picture, hear your voice, pass a place we'd enjoyed, read a letter had wrote, or hear a scripture or song that you really liked, and my moment of joy dissolves like sugar and water in a jar.

I've only been home once since we laid you to rest, and that was enough for now, but I regularly have flowers placed at your grave site.  You always did love flowers.  Yeah, I know you always said, "GIVE ME my flowers while I can smell them."  Well, I did, and I still want you to have them so this is my way of keeping you alive for me.  I don't even like flowers anymore because the make me miss you so.  Oh Mother, what am I going to do?  I can't go on like this, and I'm not ready to join you, but then I miss you so!

Did you know that Moze chose to follow you?  Without you or Moze, I'm in trouble.  Moze didn't have to go, but she missed you more than I do -- if that is at all possible.  You know, almost three months to the day you left, Aunt Mozelle left to be with you.  I hope you two girls found each other and are happy in your new place.  I'm sorry that Moze left, but I'm glad that you are not alone.  You always hated being alone -- me too.  That's why I miss you so much -- we used to always have each other no matter how many miles apart -- no telephone -- and we still could reach out and touch the other.

It's been a year now Mother, and now I know things aren't ever going to be the same.  I know that you want me to go on with my life.  It's been a year now Mother, and God knows that I have tried.  It's been a year now Mother, and I still have tears in my eyes.  It's been a year now Mother, and I still feel as if I just want to die.  It's been a year now, and I'm still just waiting for things to change.  It's been a year now Mother, and I still feel the pain.  It's been a year now Mother, and I know that I will always love you.