Loneliness

Loneliness

Love fades, but it never dies. Those nights when you lie alone in bed the remnants of it pull your thoughts back to the days when you knew not only the meaning of love but the feeling. The way that love and the air of each season brought with it what would become nostalgic memories for every season that would come to pass. Cuddling for warmth on a cold winter morning or laying in the grass on a hot summer’s day. These are the moments that are most pressing. This is how it feels to feel.

          Do you remember when we drank ourselves stupid and talked all night? Do you remember when we locked the doors and made love all day? Do you remember the first time you said you loved me? Do you remember when that all went away? Do you remember? Take it for what it is. Whatever it was.

This room is dark and cold. I sit alone tuning into this bottle of whiskey. Memories of happiness and love float about. What happened? I sit here and pick my brain, looking for the root of the problem. I remember everything but am I remembering it right? I remember her smile, her skin, sometimes when I sit alone in my room I can smell her succulent scent. I want her back, all to myself. I want to bask in her. I want to consume her.  I want to swallow her whole.

When I was with her I wanted her gone. When she is gone I want her with me. It’s all so sadomasochistic, just a need to be needed. You didn’t need me though, I needed you. You pushed me where I needed to go and in return I told you to fuck off. If I had you back now I can promise you I would do it again. Loneliness undermines me forcing me to go back on all of my thoughts and feelings but once I reach that goal I find myself right back where I started. What I had is always better. This time is different though. I think it is. I find her number in our old notebook. I stumble to the telephone, remembering the numbers as I punch them in one by one. I put the phone to my ear. The line is busy.